Jason Alexander credited as playing...
George Costanza
- Estelle Costanza: Where have you been? You were supposed to fix the stove! I've been waiting for hours!
- Frank Costanza: I fell on some Fusilli
- Estelle Costanza: Fusilli?
- Frank Costanza: You know, the corkscrew pasta. It was a Fusilli Jerry. It got stuck in me. Had to go to the proctologist.
- Estelle Costanza: The proctologist? Are you okay?
- Frank Costanza: Yeah.
- Estelle Costanza: Oh, I was so worried.
- [grabs a couple of tissues from the box]
- George Costanza: Ma, don't cry!
- Estelle Costanza: Oh, I can't help it!
- George Costanza: Ma, your eyes!
- George Costanza: So, did you get your new plates?
- Cosmo Kramer: Oh... yeah. I got my new plates. But they mixed them up. Somebody got mine and I got their vanity plates.
- George Costanza: What do they say?
- Cosmo Kramer: Assman.
- Jerry Seinfeld: Assman?
- Cosmo Kramer: Yeah. Assman, Jerry. I'm Cosmo Kramer, the Assman!
- Jerry Seinfeld: Who would order a license plate that says "Assman"?
- George Costanza: Maybe they're Wilt Chamberlain's.
- Jerry Seinfeld: It doesn't have to be someone who gets a lot of women. It could be just some guy with a big ass.
- Cosmo Kramer: Yeah, or it could be a proctologist.
- Jerry Seinfeld: Yeah. Proctologist.
- George Costanza: Come on! No doctor would put that on his car.
- Cosmo Kramer: Have you ever met a proctologist? Well, they usually have a very good sense of humor. You meet a proctologist at a party, don't walk away. Plant yourself there, because you will hear the funniest stories you've ever heard. See, no one wants to admit to them that they stuck something up there. Never! It's always an accident. Every proctologist story ends in the same way: "It was a million to one shot, Doc. Million to one!"
- Estelle Costanza: Well, I'm out there, George.
- George Costanza: No, you're not out there.
- Estelle Costanza: I am, too!
- George Costanza: You're not out there! You can't be, because I am out there. And if I see you out there, there's not enough voltage in this world to electroshock me back into coherence!
- Nancy Klopper: Oh my God! Crib notes? You've got crib notes?
- George Costanza: It's a very complicated move. I couldn't remember it all.
- George Costanza: [about mechanics] Well of course they're trying to screw you! What do you think? That's what they do. They can make up anything; nobody knows! "Why, well you need a new johnson rod in here." Oh, a Johnson rod. Yeah, well better put one of those on!