Jerry Seinfeld: Jerry Seinfeld

The Maestro

Jerry Seinfeld

Jerry Seinfeld: [dark corner of Italian restaurant] Ah, excuse me, I'm looking for a Mr. Ciccio.
Ciccio: Si, si, I'mma Ciccio.
Jerry Seinfeld: Poppy sent me to see you, Mr. Ciccio.
Ciccio: Si, si, Poppy.
Jerry Seinfeld: Um, did he, did he mention to you why I called?
Ciccio: Si, the house in Tuscana.
Jerry Seinfeld: Yeah, right, right. So is there anything there to rent?
Ciccio: Si. Two million a Lira. You give me the check.
Jerry Seinfeld: I didn't actually want to rent it.
Ciccio: The keys, here are the keys. You give me the check. Two million a Lira. Seventeen hundred Americana. Molto generoso.
[a man approaches and whispers into Ciccio's ear]
Ciccio: [to the man] Ah, si, si.
Jerry Seinfeld: [nerviously watches the man walk away] So see um, I didn't say that I wanted to rent it, I was just wondering if there were... houses there to rent.
Ciccio: Si.
[holds up the keys]
Ciccio: Thissa one! Capiche?

[first lines]
Jerry Seinfeld: I've never been anyplace where there was no coffee. People are constantly trying to give you coffee. "Would you like coffee? Can I get you some coffee?" Coffee is one of the only things you can have that people continue to try and give it to you. Waitresses are always coming over, "Can I fill it up? Can I warm it up? Can I top it off?" You can lift up a manhole cover, "We just made a fresh pot. Would you like some?" This liquid has taken over humanity. There are coffee machines we have to call "mister". "Coffee anyone? Hey, that's Mr. Coffee to you."

Jerry Seinfeld: So, what about the "Maestro" stuff? Did he make you all him Maestro?
Elaine Benes: Yeah, I called him Maestro.
Jerry Seinfeld: You didn't mind?
Elaine Benes: Well, I did at first, but actually I kind of got used to it.
Jerry Seinfeld: Okay, from now on I want you to call me "Jerry the Great".
Elaine Benes: I'm not calling you "Jerry the Great".
Jerry Seinfeld: Why not? You call him Maestro.
Elaine Benes: He is a Maestro.
Jerry Seinfeld: Well, I'm great.