Kelsey Grammer credited as playing...
Sideshow Bob
- [Hearing about Bob's fantasies of murdering him]
- Bart: Aye caramba!
- Sideshow Bob: Bart, if I'd wanted to kill you, I'd have choked you like a chicken as soon as I walked in that door...
- [Everyone gasps]
- Sideshow Bob: ...but then, what kind of guest would I have been?
- [laughs]
- Sideshow Bob: Poor Selma, you were having such a lovely evening.
- Sideshow Bob: [singing] And then I went and spoiled it all by doing something stupid like explode you...
- Bart: [turns around in the chair] Sideshow Bob, I'm afraid the only victims here are the good people of Best Western Hotels.
- Sideshow Bob: Bart!
- Patty: [slaps Sideshow Bob] You tried to kill me! I want a separation!
- Sideshow Bob: Soon I will kill you...
- [under his breath while rubbing one of her feet]
- Selma: Huh?
- [sitting up]
- Sideshow Bob: Son pied sent beau; French for: her foot smells lovely.
- Selma: Oh.
- [laying back down]
- Sideshow Bob: Prepare to be murdered...
- [under his breath again]
- Selma: Huh?
- [sitting up again]
- Sideshow Bob: Pa parda mai moul-doo. That's... Sanskrit for your toes are like perfume.
- [Phonetic spelling]
- Selma: Hahaha.
- [lays back down]
- Sideshow Bob: Voy a matarle...
- [under his breath]
- Selma: What?
- Sideshow Bob: That's spanish for... I'm going to kill you...
- [saying the last part under his breath]
- Selma: Say what?
- Sideshow Bob: But wait. If you saved Selma, why did the room explode?
- Chief Wiggum: Oh, I'll field that one.
- [flashback: Wiggum, Lou, Eddie, and Homer are all lighting up cigars outside the hotel room]
- Chief Wiggum: [voice-over] Me and the boys were all celebrating a job well done, when I threw my match in the vicinity of the crime scene...
- [explosion]
- Chief Wiggum: Oh, right! The gas.
- [Sideshow Bob wins an Emmy in prison]
- Sideshow Bob: This is one more Emmy than you'll ever win, you bantering jack-in-the-box!
- Krusty the Clown: Just don't drop that thing in the shower, Bob!
- Sideshow Bob: No-talent shill!
- Krusty the Clown: Second banana!
- Sideshow Bob: Panderer!
- Krusty the Clown: Bore!
- Homer Simpson: Gee, if some snot-nosed kid sent me to prison, the first thing out I'd find out where he lives, and tear him a new belly button!
- [he mimes stabbing an imaginary kid with his steak knife]
- Homer Simpson: Lousy snitch...
- [jerks the knife upward]
- Homer Simpson: YAAH!
- [Bart chuckles nervously]
- Sideshow Bob: [chuckling] Ah, Mr. Simpson, you're forgetting the first two noble truths of the Buddha.
- Homer Simpson: I am not!
- Sideshow Bob: I'll be back. You can't keep the Democrats out of the White House forever. And when they get in, I'm back on the streets, with all my criminal buddies!
- [laughs maniacally]
- Sideshow Bob: That's right, dear, enjoy your rest. The wedding was very tough on you. And the honeymoon is going to be... murder...
- [laughing evily]
- Selma: Bob, one of my fillings fell out.
- Sideshow Bob: Even murder has its ugly side...
- [after trying to scrub himself clean in the bathroom]
- Sideshow Bob: Bart, I must know how did you untangle my web?
- Homer Simpson: Yeah, Bart, clue us in.
- Bart: [looking at Chief Wiggum] I'd hate to tell the number-one cop in town how to do his job.
- Chief Wiggum: No, please, it's the only way I'll learn.
- Bart: All right. Sideshow Bob seemed desperate to get that fireplace, but why? Then it hit me - The gas! Surely anyone would have noticed a gas leak except Aunt Selma.
- Selma: [flashback] I permanently lost my sense of smell.
- Bart: She happily watched MacGyver unaware that her room was silently filling with natural gas. All it needed to explode was a single spark, say, from a cigarette.
- Selma: [flashback] I've decided to give up smoking except after meals and MacGyver.
- Bart: Her only hope was a plucky young boy and his slow-witted father. When Aunt Selma lights up after MacGyver she'll be blown to kingdom come.
- Homer Simpson: [flashback] Come again?
- Bart: After trying four times to explain it to Homer I explained it to Mom and we were on our way!
- Homer Simpson: [flashback] To the Simpson Mobile!
- Sideshow Bob: If you saved Selma, why did the room explode?
- Chief Wiggum: Oh, I'll field that one.
- Chief Wiggum: [flashback: The police and Homer smoking cigars] Me and my boys were celebrating on a job well done when I threw my match in the vicinity of the crime scene.
- Chief Wiggum: [flashback: The room explodes] Oh, right, the gas.
- Sideshow Bob: [being led away in handcuffs, laughing at the end] I'll be back. You can't keep the Democrats out of the White House forever. And when they get in, I'm back on the streets, with all my criminal buddies.
- Selma: I feel like such a fool.
- Marge: Well, he fooled almost everyone. But there was one little boy who never lost his mistrust.
- Bart: Thanks, Mom. Now, let's get out of this gas-filled hallway before we all suffocate.
- Krusty the Clown: Come here, you!
- Sideshow Bob: [laughs]
- Krusty the Clown: Missed you!
- Sideshow Bob: This guy is a natural treasure!
- Krusty the Clown: That jerk I got to replace you... He isn't fit to hold your slide whistle.
- Sideshow Bob: Although kissing you would be like kissing some divine ash tray, that's not what I had in mind.
- Sideshow Bob: Dear Selma: Your latest letter set off a riot in the maximum security wing of my heart.