Dan Castellaneta: Homer Simpson • Squeaky-Voiced Teen • Groundskeeper Willie • ...

Little Girl in the Big Ten

Homer Simpson • Squeaky-Voiced Teen • Groundskeeper Willie • Lugash • John F. Kennedy • Grampa Simpson • Krusty the Clown • Itchy • Hans Moleman

Homer: [singing along to the tune of Chumbawumba's "Tumpthumping"] I take a whiskey drink, I take a coffee drink, and when I have to pee, I use the kitchen sink. I sing the song that reminds me I'm a urinating guy.

Homer Simpson: [sings] I get knocked down, I get knocked down again, you're never gonna knock me down... I take a whiskey drink, I take a chocolate drink, and when I have to pee, I use the kitchen sink! I sing the song that reminds me I'm a urinating guy.

Lugash: [watching one of his students] Okay... for next exercise, put hands on hips, jump out window, and go tell parents to STOP WASTING MY TIME WITH FAILURE CHILD!
[bawling, she runs towards the door]
Lugash: Faster! Lift your knees!
Marge Simpson: Look, Lisa, there's an opening.
Lisa: Who wants to put on a leotard and get screamed at?
Homer Simpson: Well, hookers and Spider-Man.
Lisa: Forget it. I'm going home.

Anthro Lecturer: [showing his class an "Itchy & Scratchy" cartoon] So, what does this cartoon "mean"?
Tina: It shows how the depletion of our natural resources has pitted our small farmers against each other.
Anthro Lecturer: Yes, and birds go "tweet". What else?
Milhouse Van Houten: Hey, mister, put the cartoon back on.
Anthro Lecturer: I'm sorry, boys. We don't allow children in this class.
Milhouse Van Houten: What about Lisa? She's only 8.
Tina: [murmurs from the class] Lisa, did you lie to us?
Lisa: Well, I just wanted to belong. For once, I felt I was with intellectual equals.
Carrie: I can't believe I cheated off an 8-year-old.
Lisa: [crying, she leaves] I guess we won't be biking through Italy.
Carrie: She's worse than that 80-year-old who pretended to be a freshman.
Hans Moleman: I just wanted a place to sit down.

Homer Simpson: What the...? You earned how many credits without our permission?
Lisa: 16.
Marge Simpson: [Homer lets out an anguished cry] College is no place for a young girl, with those quadrangles, and study carrels, and syllabi...
Lisa: Doogie Howser went to college when he was my age.
Homer Simpson: Against my wishes!
Lisa: But the atmosphere there was so stimulating. It was a bustling marketplace of ideas.
Marge Simpson: Oh? And this kitchen isn't?
Lisa: Well...
Marge Simpson: I put those "Cathys" on the fridge for you. I don't even like them. They've gotten so smutty.
Homer Simpson: Oh, sure, when a man does it, it's smutty. But if a woman did it...
Marge Simpson: Homer, Cathy is a woman.
Homer Simpson: Oh, come on.
[going to the fridge and giving the strips a glance]
Homer Simpson: You're right.
[he shudders]

[just as Carrie and Tina drop Lisa at home, beer keg crashes through the front window]
Homer Simpson: Hey, where's my keg?
Lisa: Mm. Mom's not gonna like that.
Carrie: Who's Mom?
Lisa: Uh, that's what we call the gay guy who lives with us.

John F. Kennedy: Get up, Liser.
Lisa: President Kennedy!
John F. Kennedy: That's right, Liser. Academics are important, but you must also train your body with vigor. That's why I created the President's Council on Physical Fitness. Er, uh, yes.
Lisa: Well, I can't argue with the man who wrote "Profiles in Courage."
John F. Kennedy: Yes, uh, wrote it, uh... well, uh, good luck, Liser.
Lisa: Thanks. I'll see you in heaven!
John F. Kennedy: Uh, yes, er, uh, heaven.

Lisa: You're reading "Gravity's Rainbow"?
Tina: Re-reading.
Carrie: Sorry, what are you guys talking about? I was making fractals.
Lisa: [thinking] These girls are brilliant. I've finally found kids I can relate to.
[out loud]
Lisa: You guys are so cool. I can't believe I never met you before.
Tina: Well, I'm Tina, and this is Carrie.
Carrie: Maybe we can hang out together.
Lisa: Oh, I'd love to.
Lugash: [coming in] You girls were all great. Cats back for everyone.
Tina: I had a dog.
Lugash: Is cat now!

Grampa Simpson: [at Krusty Burger with Bart] Here you go, a Laffy Meal for you, and a Nostalgia Meal for me. Oh, boy, this takes me back. Two ration stamps and an artillery shell full of Oleo.
Bart Simpson: What's your Nostalgia Prize, Grampa?
Bart Simpson: Liberace action figure.

Grampa Simpson: [Bart is bitten by a Chinese mosquito] Skeeter bites are good luck. Scratch it and you get a wish.
Bart Simpson: [suddenly feeling ill] I don't feel so good. Can you take me to the hospital?
Grampa Simpson: Finally, we're doing something I want to do.