Quotes

Marge in Chains

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Lionel Hutz: Now don't you worry, Mrs. Simpson, I... uh-oh. We've drawn Judge Snyder.
Marge: Is that bad?
Lionel Hutz: Well, he's had it in for me ever since I kinda ran over his dog.
Marge: You did?
Lionel Hutz: Well, replace the word "kinda" with the word "repeatedly," and the word "dog" with "son."

Mr. Burns: [opens his germ-free chamber and sees Homer in it, eating a sandwich] Who the devil are you?
Homer's Brain: Don't panic. Just come up with a good story.
Homer: My name is Mr. Burns.
Homer's Brain: D'oh!

Ned Flanders: Oh, the network slogan is true. Watch FOX and be damned for all eternity.

Lionel Hutz: Now, Apu, Mrs. Simpson claims that she forgot she was carrying that bottle of... delicious... bourbon. Brownest of the brown liquors... so tempting.
[holds the bottle to his ear]
Lionel Hutz: [whispering] What's that? You want me to drink you? But I'm in the middle of a trial!
[puts it down]
Lionel Hutz: Excuse me.
[he runs out of the courtroom, finds a payphone and quickly dials]
Lionel Hutz: Hello, David? I'm really tempted!
David Crosby: Just take it one day at a time, and know that I love you.
Lionel Hutz: I love you too, man.

Troy McClure: But now I'm here to tell you about a remarkable new invention.
[Troy grabs an orange and squeezes it against his eye until it bursts. All the juice pours into a glass beneath his face]
Troy McClure: Until now, this was the only way to get juice from an orange.
[cuts to Homer, using the exact same method to get orange juice]
Homer: You mean there's a better way?

Chief Wiggum: All right, come out with your hands up, two cups of coffee, an auto freshener that says "Capricorn", and something with coconut on it.

Apu: The aspirin is $24.95.
Marge: $24.95?
Apu: I lowered the price because an escaped mental patient tampered with the bottle.

Lisa Simpson: [from another room] Mom, can you bring me more O.J.?
Bart Simpson: [from another room] Can you get me some of those Flintstones chewable morphines?
Marge: There's no such thing.
Homer: [from another room] Marge, the boy's wasting valuable time. Come change the channel and pat my head.
Marge: In a minute!
Homer: But I'll miss Sheriff Lobo!
Grampa: And get me a bottle of bourbon.
Marge: Grampa, you know you can't have liquids after 3pm.
Grampa: You can stir it into my mush. Either way, just gimme, gimme, gimme!

Marge: So how are things at home?
Bart Simpson: We flushed the gator down the toilet, but it got stuck halfway and now we have to feed it.
[cuts to Grandpa fighting the gator with a toilet plunger]
Grampa: I'll bet you want a piece of me. Well you ain't gonna get it, see!
[as he laughs, his false teeth fall out into the aligator's mouth who bites down and breaks the teeth]
Grampa: [mumbling] Nurse! God darn it.

Crowd: We need a cure! We need a cure!
Dr. Hibbert: Why, the only cure is bed rest. Anything I give you would only be a placebo.
Woman in Crowd: Where do we get these placebos?
Man: Maybe there's some in this truck!
[the panicky crowd push over a truck, boxes labeled "danger killer bees" break open, the bees go everywhere and everyone panics, one man puts a bee in his mouth]
Man: I'm cured! I mean, ouch!

Apu: [Marge has been convicted and is being taken to prison] With her behind bars our store is secure.
Snake: [Meanwhile Snake is loading the Kwik-E-Mart onto a flat bed truck] I'm taking this thing to Mexico!

Judge Snyder: [he has been given a fake verdict by Hutz who listens nearby] This verdict is written on a cocktail napkin! And it still says "guilty!" And "guilty" is spelled wrong!
[Hutz squeaks in shock]

Bart Simpson: Mr. Hutz, when I grow up, I wanna be a lawyer just like you.
Lionel Hutz: Good for you, son. If there's one thing America needs, it's more lawyers. Can you imagine a world without lawyers?
[visualizes the world in his head with multicultural people, holding hands and dancing happily; Hutz shudders]

Lionel Hutz: Hiring me as your attorney, you'll also recieve this free smoking monkey.
[places a toy monkey with a cigarette in it's mouth on the desk]
Marge: Mr Hutz.
Lionel Hutz: Look... he's taking another puff!

[while Marge is in prison]
Milhouse Van Houten: [opens his lunchbox] All right, baloney and cheese! What'd you get, Bart?
Bart Simpson: Pack of sugar and peanut butter smeared on a playing card.
Nelson Muntz: Ha-ha! Your mom's a jailbird!
Bart Simpson: So's yours.
Nelson Muntz: Oh, yeah... let's play!

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