Harry Shearer: Montgomery Burns • Waylon Smithers • Cornelius Chapman • ...
The Mansion Family
The Simpsons
Harry Shearer credited as playing...
Montgomery Burns • Waylon Smithers • Cornelius Chapman • Pope • Lenny • Mate
- [filing out medical forms]
- Mr. Burns: Social security number? Naught, naught, naught, naught, naught, naught, naught, naught, 2. Damn Roosevelt. Cause of parents death? Got in my way.
- Moe Szyslak: You know I can't sell you no beer till 2PM on account of it's Sunday.
- Homer Simpson: Huh? If you can't sell beer what are Lenny and Carl doing here?
- Carl: We're just watching the sun move across the sky.
- Lenny: When it gets to here, we can drink again!
- Mr. Burns: Now, Doctor, I want you to test me for everything. Every disease on this chart.
- Doctor: Fine. We'll just start by drawing some blood.
- [he puts a tourniquet on Burns' arm and, inserting the needle, it pokes right through]
- Doctor: Well, isn't that odd? It's like poking through meringue.
- Mr. Burns: [holding up his other arm] Oh, try this arm. I saw some blood in there the other day.
- Kent Brockman: [after the town's oldest resident dies] Well, this award has to go to somebody. Would everyone who is 60 or older please stand up?
- [Flanders, Mr. Burns, Grandpa Simpson, Jasper, Mrs. Glick, and the Old Jewish Man stand up]
- Kent Brockman: Over 80?
- [Flanders, Abe, and Mrs. Glick sit back down]
- Kent Brockman: 90?
- [the Old Jewish Man sits down, and Abe stands back up]
- Kent Brockman: 100 years old?
- [everyone but Mr. Burns sits down]
- Marge Simpson: Homer, sit down!
- Homer Simpson: [feigning old age] What's that, sonny?
- [she sits him back down, and everyone cheers for Mr. Burns]
- Mr. Burns: [heading on stage] Well, this is all so sudden.
- [Britney leans in to kiss him]
- Mr. Burns: Ah! Don't give me that kiss of death, you black widow!
- Kent Brockman: [wrenching the statute out of Mr. Chapman's dead hands] Boy, he didn't want to let go of that.
- [laughter]
- Mr. Burns: Okay, let's see. I... I don't have a speech prepared, but, uh... abracadaver!
- [taking the speech from Chapman's pocket]
- Mr. Burns: "Thank you all so much. I love Springfield, from the cuddliest infant to..." puppies, patriotism... bluebirds. Pfft! I'm not reading this drivel. This speech is over.
- Montgomery Burns: Well, Doc, I think I did pretty well on my tests. You may shake my hand if you like.
- Doctor: Well, under the circumstances, I'd rather not.
- Montgomery Burns: Eh?
- Doctor: Mr. Burns, I'm afraid you are the sickest man in the United States. You have everything.
- Montgomery Burns: You mean I have pneumonia?
- Doctor: Yes.
- Montgomery Burns: Juvenile diabetes?
- Doctor: Yes.
- Montgomery Burns: Hysterical pregnancy?
- Doctor: Uh, a little bit, yes! You also have several diseases that have just been discovered - in you.
- Montgomery Burns: I see. You sure you haven't just made thousands of mistakes?
- Doctor: Uh, no, no, I'm afraid not.
- Montgomery Burns: This sounds like bad news.
- Doctor: Well, you'd think so, but - all of your diseases are in perfect balance. Uh, if you have a moment, I can explain.
- Montgomery Burns: [checks his watch] Well...
- [the Doctor puts a tiny model house door on his desk]
- Doctor: Here's the door to your body, you see?
- [brings up some small fuzz balls with goofy faces and limbs from under the desk]
- Doctor: And these are oversized novelty germs - er, that's influenza, that's bronchitis, and this cute little cuddle-bug is pancreatic cancer, ha! Here's what happens when they all try to get through the door at once.
- [tries to cram the "germs" through the model door, but they get stuck]
- Doctor: [à la Curly] Woo, woo-woo-woo-woo-woo-woop!
- [à la Moe]
- Doctor: Move it, chowder-head!
- [normal voice]
- Doctor: We call it Three Stooges syndrome.
- Montgomery Burns: So, what you're saying is... I'm indestructible!
- Doctor: Oh, no, no. In fact, even a slight breeze could...
- Montgomery Burns: [leaves the office, to himself] Indestructible.
- Carl: Homer, have we hit international waters yet? Because, uh, things are gettin' real ugly.
- [blocking a keg of beer, Moe cracks a whip to keep Lenny and Barney at bay]
- Moe Szyslak: I can't sell you beer 'til we cross the line!
- Barney: Legally, you could give us free beer.
- [getting whipped]
- Barney: Ow!
- Lenny: Well, could you at least give us rubbing alcohol for our wounds?
- [Moe tosses a bottle to him]
- Lenny: Hey! Ha-ha-ha. Sucker.
- [as he starts drinking it, Moe whips him]
- Lenny: Ow!
- Marge Simpson: I'm not gonna let you trash Mr. Burns' yacht.
- Homer Simpson: Marge, you know I normally listen to you, but I gotta seize this opportunity, just in case I never become a real billionaire.
- Marge Simpson: Oh, Homie, I don't care if you're a billionaire. I love you just because...
- Lenny: Hey, there's another way to get on the boat!
- Homer Simpson: Whoo-hoo!
- Homer Simpson: [house-sitting for Mr. Burns] Look at me! I'm a billionaire!
- [climbing onto the banister, he slides down and flies butt-first into a painting on the wall]
- Waylon Smithers: [returning to collect a bag] I forgot my...
- [trying to laugh it off, Homer chuckles and gives him a thumbs-up]
- Britney Spears: I'm teen sensation Britney Spears.
- [audience goes wild]
- Kent Brockman: And I'm Kent Brockman!
- [crowd goes silent]
- Kent Brockman: ...with, Britney Spears!
- [crowd cheers]
- Britney Spears: And we're here to present the...
- Kent Brockman: 65th!
- Britney Spears: Annual...
- Kent Brockman: Spring
- Britney Spears: Field
- Kent Brockman: Pride A-...
- Britney Spears: -wards!
- [crowd applauds]
- Britney Spears: Tonight, we'll be recognizing outstanding members of...
- Kent Brockman: ...the...
- Britney Spears: Springfield community!