Robert Iler credited as playing...
A.J. Soprano
- Anthony 'A.J.' Soprano, Jr.: Oh, hey dad. I was just taking out the trash, its garbage day tomorrow
- Tony Soprano: What's different about you?
- Carmela Soprano: He has no eyebrows Tony
- Tony Soprano: [after looking carefully on both sides of his face] who did this?
- Anthony 'A.J.' Soprano, Jr.: We were just screwing around
- Tony Soprano: What'd you say to your mother?
- Carmela Soprano: Tony...
- Tony Soprano: [Sternly] what did you say?
- Anthony 'A.J.' Soprano, Jr.: I said the F word
- Tony Soprano: [Grabs him by the neck and holds him against the wall, referring to the new SUV he bought him] your finished. Your not going to drive that car until your forty-five years old! I'm selling it tomorrow
- Anthony 'A.J.' Soprano, Jr.: Look, she wouldn't let me talk. I was trying to tell her what happened
- Carmela Soprano: Oh, see? It's my fault
- Tony Soprano: Let's hear it
- Anthony 'A.J.' Soprano, Jr.: Well, I was going to go to Meadow's but there weren't any cabs and I didn't think you wanted me standing in the street at eleven thirty at night, we were right by the hotel
- Carmela Soprano: Enough of your lying
- Anthony 'A.J.' Soprano, Jr.: I am not lying
- Tony Soprano: Look at your face. If you have some sexual proclivity with that teacher or whatever now's the time to tell us. I mean what went on up there? Poppers and weird sex
- Anthony 'A.J.' Soprano, Jr.: What? No? Look we don't do drugs around some stupid dopers. I had a few beers but it just made me sick
- Carmela Soprano: How could anybody believe what you say?
- Anthony 'A.J.' Soprano, Jr.: Because I told you. You never believe me
- Tony Soprano: You had a couple beers
- Anthony 'A.J.' Soprano, Jr.: Yeah
- Tony Soprano: Didn't do any drugs?
- Anthony 'A.J.' Soprano, Jr.: [Acting innocently, lying] No
- Tony Soprano: [Sympathetically for AJ] Carmella, look a couple beers, he should be grounded yeah, it's not the end of the world
- Carmela Soprano: [Shocked] what? You know what? I am sick of your bullshit, both of you. He can go live with you
- Tony Soprano: Don't get dramatic now alright?
- Anthony 'A.J.' Soprano, Jr.: What? Great, good!
- Tony Soprano: [to AJ] Shut up
- Carmela Soprano: I have never been more serious in my life
- Tony Soprano: [to AJ] take out the trash, go outside
- Tony Soprano: [Sits down next to her on the couch] what're we going to do? Really?
- Carmela Soprano: What did I just say?
- Tony Soprano: No, I mean really? Come on
- Carmela Soprano: Did you think I was joking?
- Tony Soprano: Carmella, this normal teenage shit. You remember us? The CYO dance, we left Artie out in the snow, he almost lost his fingers and we still laugh our asses off about it
- Carmela Soprano: I don't really blame AJ. His doing what his suppose to, his testing the limits as much as he can. I blame myself
- Tony Soprano: What are you talking about?
- Carmela Soprano: You don't know what it's like to have your son hate your guts
- Tony Soprano: [Dismissively] He doesn't hate your guts
- Tony Soprano: [while in Wegler's office, jokingly, referring to AJ] let me guess, he called the English teacher "daddy-o?"
- Robert Wegler: [to the three of them] the "thing" is, we are rapidly approaching crisis mode here with these grades and "time is of the essence"
- Anthony 'A.J.' Soprano, Jr.: can I ask a question? I handed in my final list of colleges, did you get that?
- Robert Wegler: yes, we've talked about this. So, Ramapo and Trenton State and our "reach" schools are University of Arizona and Arizona State
- Tony Soprano: [to Wegler] yeah, I'm gonna take him out there after I drive him around to the ones in New Jersey
- Robert Wegler: if either of the Arizona's his got his heart set on, his not going to get in with these grades and I know about football Anthony, I'm sorry, it's not enough
- Tony Soprano: he says his trying his best
- Robert Wegler: SAT-wise, 505 and 430, I think we can "edge up" the math into the fives in the next round: providing Anthony feels he can "bear down" his focus
- Tony Soprano: his had trouble with that before. Remember Carm, when they thought he had ADD?
- Anthony 'A.J.' Soprano, Jr.: [to Tony] you didn't tell me that
- Robert Wegler: Anthony, what'd you say you head on back to class, let us talk?
- Anthony 'A.J.' Soprano, Jr.: but if I'm "learning disabled", I get unlimited time on my SAT's
- Carmela Soprano: [to Wegler] is that true?
- Robert Wegler: [to Tony and Carmela, then nods to AJ to imply to him to leave] let's talk about that later
- Robert Wegler: [to Tony and Carmela, after AJ leaves] so, you had time to talk to Dr. Rapkey about last week's testing results?
- Carmela Soprano: [while taking out the report and reading from it] yes, she says Anthony has good "interpersonal skills", she said it's effect was "constricted", she called it but that was "normal" for a teenager and all and all, he seems to be handling the split "well", and this is not to say I get a ration of shit in every conversation, pardon my French
- Robert Wegler: well, still, there's this "thing" with his grades. Do you think it would be a benefit for him to see a psychologist on a regular basis?
- Robert Wegler: [after noticing Tony sighs and chuckles to himself] you don't approve of therapy?
- Tony Soprano: I think we use it as a crutch and I always wonder what happened to Gary Cooper? The strong silent type?
- Robert Wegler: [amused] well, Gary Cooper wasn't a sixteen-year-old boy
- Tony Soprano: he was at one time
- Carmela Soprano: I'm gonna have to agree with my husband here: we sent our daughter to an adolescent development mentalist and it was a disaster. I know my son, his just lazy, we gonna get him a different SAT tutor and I'm gonna stay on him and his gonna work harder and that's that
- Anthony 'A.J.' Soprano, Jr.: can I go to the Mudvayne concert or not?
- Carmela Soprano: I've been trying to think of a reason to let you stay overnight in New York with your friends but I'm afraid it's not gonna happen
- Anthony 'A.J.' Soprano, Jr.: Todd's mother already made the arrangements: she said it'd be better than us driving home
- Carmela Soprano: she's not your mother
- Anthony 'A.J.' Soprano, Jr.: [disappointed] yeah, I know, believe me
- Carmela Soprano: [while AJ walks away, sarcastically] isn't life unfair?
- Carmela Soprano: [after entering his room, referring to the subject his studying] Algebra, huh?
- Carmela Soprano: [when he doesn't respond, sits next to him on his bed] Listen, I've been doing some thinking, I've decided to let you stay in the city, after the concert
- Anthony 'A.J.' Soprano, Jr.: How come?
- Carmela Soprano: [referring to the name of the hotel] On one condition though: no Hudson Suites. I talked to Meadow, she said you can sleep over at her apartment. I will give you cab fare, when the concert is over, you go straight up there. Monday morning, I will you back here 10:30 sharp
- Anthony 'A.J.' Soprano, Jr.: Thanks
- Carmela Soprano: [before kissing him] Don't stay up too late
- Carmela Soprano: [while having dinner] "Birthday" by The Beatles. You know I heard it the other day in the car, they have such a good drum solo in the middle there
- Anthony 'A.J.' Soprano, Jr.: Drum solo? It's the basic 4/4
- Carmela Soprano: You know Ringo was not their original drummer. it was Pete Best and they fired him, so he put out his own album, "Best of the Beatles"
- Anthony 'A.J.' Soprano, Jr.: [bored] So, is this what they call "common ground"?
- Carmela Soprano: Just trying to have a civilized conversation
- Anthony 'A.J.' Soprano, Jr.: Can I go to my room? I'm full
- Carmela Soprano: [sarcastically] Am I so horrible?
- Anthony 'A.J.' Soprano, Jr.: [irritated] You are not horrible: get over yourself
- Carmela Soprano: Over "myself"? What's that supposed to mean?
- Carmela Soprano: [when he doesn't respond] Just go, do me a big favor
- Anthony 'A.J.' Soprano, Jr.: If you're gonna be a martyr, obviously, I'll sit here
- Carmela Soprano: No, go, put your plate in the sink
- Anthony 'A.J.' Soprano, Jr.: [disgusted, while they watch TV] oh, somebody "hotboxed" us?
- Anthony 'A.J.' Soprano, Jr.: [to Artie] I saw you close the window
- Tony Blundetto: [to AJ, while Artie laughs] what's that?
- Anthony 'A.J.' Soprano, Jr.: it's when you close all the windows and fart on purpose
- Tony Blundetto: that's a "Dutch oven"
- Tony Soprano: [correcting him] in bed is a "Dutch oven"
- Anthony 'A.J.' Soprano, Jr.: [confused] what's a "Dutch oven"?
- Artie Bucco: when you fart in bed and force her head under the covers
- Anthony 'A.J.' Soprano, Jr.: that's awesome
- Tony Soprano: [to AJ] first, you gotta be in bed with one
- Anthony 'A.J.' Soprano, Jr.: yeah, you'd be surprised
- Artie Bucco: [surprised] whoa
- Tony Blundetto: [impressed] whoa
- Tony Soprano: yeah, I would