John Ventimiglia credited as playing...
Artie Bucco
- Ralph Cifaretto: [refusing to loan Artie money after he asked for it] I hate to do it, Artie. But I think I'm going to pass.
- Artie Bucco: Why not?
- Ralph Cifaretto: Cause if you don't pay me back, I ain't gonna be able to hurt ya.
- Elodi Colbert: [referring to the number of reservations for the restaurant] already eighty-six tonight
- Artie Bucco: they come to see you
- Elodi Colbert: I eat so much of your food, I'm gonna get a belly
- Artie Bucco: is Jean-Philippe, ok?
- Elodi Colbert: what do you mean?
- Artie Bucco: he was gonna call me, I left him a couple messages, he didn't call me back, did you hear from him? Does he call your mother?
- Elodi Colbert: well, he always works late hours: the time difference, by the time we're waking up, their already at home eating dinner
- Elodi Colbert: [while giving him a CD] I almost forget, I bring you something
- Elodi Colbert: [before walking away] I have to put the flowers in the vases
- Artie Bucco: [as Tony arrives to visit him in the hospital] oh Jesus
- Tony Soprano: What happened?
- Artie Bucco: [Referring to the investment he tried to make with Jean-Philippe] it went to shit. The "Next Vodka."
- Tony Soprano: [Referring to his suicide attempt] so, this is what you do?
- Artie Bucco: You don't understand. The money is gone
- Tony Soprano: Can't you come talk to me? Hey, I'm your friend. Suppose you hadn't been able to reach me and I come over to your house and I find you dead, how am I supposed to feel?
- Artie Bucco: [Before crying] take the restaurant
- Tony Soprano: I don't want the fuckin restaurant
- Artie Bucco: How am I going to pay you back? Fifty thousand dollars, it'd take the rest of my life
- Tony Soprano: It's fifty-one five, "vig"-wise, and technically you already missed a payment. Alright, look, we'll wipe my tab at the restaurant
- Artie Bucco: Thank you, Tony, that's what? Six-thousand dollars? What about the rest of the money?
- Tony Soprano: I'll assume the guy's debt. Collecting fifty G's
- Artie Bucco: Thank you. The "cobwebs" are now removed"
- Tony Soprano: The fuck you talking about?
- Artie Bucco: You saw this whole thing didn't you? You knew exactly what was going to happen. You can see twenty moves down the road. Please, I don't blame you, I envy you. It's like an instinct: like a hawk sees a little mouse moving around in a corn field from a mile up
- Tony Soprano: You think it's my fault you're fuckin lying in here?
- Artie Bucco: It's just that somebody mentions fifty grand to bankroll a French thief and your mind goes through all the permutations at like internet speed and realizes "oh worst case scenario, I eat for free"
- Tony Soprano: You fuckin suicide, you're disgraceful
- Artie Bucco: I'm sorry
- Tony Soprano: No fuck that, is there anybody else know that it was me I loaned you the money?
- Artie Bucco: Like who?
- Tony Soprano: Like who? I don't give a fuck who: Adriana, Father Intintola, my wife, anybody?
- Tony Soprano: [after Artie shakes his head] You got mugged outside your house. It was a "street crime", kids, they took the wallet and your watch. Where are they?
- Artie Bucco: Why?
- Tony Soprano: Why? You don't care what people think? Well I do. Enough people hate me. You fought back. They ripped your earring out of your ear, you were bleeding, and went inside your house. You took a bunch of pills to kill the pain because you knew you had to wait at the emergency room for a couple hours
- Artie Bucco: Tone, they pumped my stomach. They saw the Armagnac
- Tony Soprano: You got fuckin mugged! Do you understand me? I didn't loan you shit!
- Artie Bucco: [referring to Elodi, after seeing Charmaine ask her to remove empty plates from a table] she's a hostess: not a busboy
- Charmaine Bucco: [impersonating Elodi clapping] what was that all about, huh?
- Artie Bucco: it's just a venture capital "thing" with Jean-Philippe, I'm sure it wouldn't pass your incredibly high Wharton School of Business standards
- Charmaine Bucco: you want to make some "meaningful" money, why don't you get your friend Anthony Soprano to pay his tab? It's close to six thousand dollars
- Artie Bucco: [before he flicks his chin] I could have an "empire" like Bobby Flay, and it still wouldn't be good enough for you
- Charmaine Bucco: ok, I'll make you a deal, we'll start working on your "empire" right after we pay the ten thousand dollars of orthodonture our children will need this year
- Artie Bucco: Can I talk to you?
- Tony Soprano: yeah, what's going on?
- Artie Bucco: [referring to the money Tony loaned Artie] I just wanted to give you a little "heads up", I know the money's due in a couple days. Frankly, I'm a little concerned, I can't get ahold of Jean-Philippe: he doesn't return my calls
- Tony Soprano: did you go over there?
- Artie Bucco: not yet
- Tony Soprano: well, you gotta get over there, the guy's not returning your phone calls
- Artie Bucco: I know
- Tony Soprano: If they miss a payment, they start acting like their doing you a favor if they give you anything and then you're spend all your time hounding them: you gotta get your arms around this "thing"
- Artie Bucco: Ok, in a nutshell, I'd like to borrow a "little" money
- Ralph Cifaretto: How "little"?
- Artie Bucco: Fifty thousand: just for a couple weeks, I'm upgrading the kitchen in the restaurant
- Ralph Cifaretto: [jokingly] Get the fuck outta here, what you take out of that bar, you must be sitting on money like King Croesus
- Artie Bucco: [amused] I wish
- Ralph Cifaretto: [referring to the interest his going to charge] You know, I'm not gonna be able to loan you money for less than two points
- Artie Bucco: That's not a problem
- Ralph Cifaretto: Just out of curiosity, what's gonna happen in two weeks?
- Artie Bucco: Oh, the insurance check is gonna come
- Ralph Cifaretto: [after thinking it over] I hate to do it, but I think I'm going to pass: sorry
- Artie Bucco: [disappointed] Why not?
- Ralph Cifaretto: [because of Artie's close friendship to Tony] Because if you don't pay me back, I ain't gonna be able to hurt you
- Tony Soprano: if you need a favor, what'd I do, you don't reach out to me?
- Artie Bucco: [confused] what are you talking about?
- Tony Soprano: Ralph Cifaretto told me you came to him for money? You need something, you don't come to me? I'm your friend
- Artie Bucco: right, so consider yourself "lucky" I didn't impinge our friendship
- Tony Soprano: yeah, but this is "me"
- Artie Bucco: [referring to his daughter] if I was desperate, if Melissa had a tumor instead of an overbite, you'd be the first one I went to but this was a business venture
- Tony Soprano: what kind of deal?
- Artie Bucco: Elodi's brother needs a bridge loan fifty thousand dollars and I get back fifty-seven and a half in ten days
- Tony Soprano: I thought it was for the restaurant?
- Artie Bucco: I told Ralphie that, I didn't want him going around meeting the "principles"
- Tony Soprano: what for then?
- Artie Bucco: [before showing him a sample bottle] North American distribution rights for Armagnac: it's the "new vodka." This stuff is sweeping Europe, it's gonna be bigger than Stoli, Goose, who ever heard of "goose" before? It's French vodka, these guys, their "big players". Their throwing millions behind product introduction
- Tony Soprano: [convinced] alright, you got it
- Artie Bucco: [insistently] I told you already, no
- Tony Soprano: [irritated] what the fuck am I? A toxic person?
- Artie Bucco: no, come on please
- Tony Soprano: I'll charge you a point and a half and believe me, I know that's a lot fuckin better than Ralph Cifaretto would do
- Tony Soprano: [handing him money] I insist, here's like three thousand: someone's gonna come by here with the rest
- Artie Bucco: [after taking the money] you're a great guy
- Artie Bucco: [after Jean-Philippe lets Artie into his apartment, referring to Jean-Philippe not returning his phone calls] message machine broken?
- Jean-Philippe Colbert: I'm sorry, I've been wishing to call you
- Artie Bucco: nice crib: you were supposed to give me my money two days ago
- Jean-Philippe Colbert: I know but they didn't come through with the second round of financing yet, my partners are sick about it
- Artie Bucco: [adamantly] well, that's not my problem, I want my money
- Jean-Philippe Colbert: [irritated] I just told you, I don't have it
- Artie Bucco: [crosses his arms] well, when are you gonna get it?
- Jean-Philippe Colbert: I don't know, ok? I don't know. It doesn't look good
- Artie Bucco: [nervously] whoa, whoa, whoa, what does that mean?
- Jean-Philippe Colbert: I mean I don't know if it's going to happen alright? They weren't convinced by our business model, they didn't agree there was as much "potential" for Armagnac. The problem has been it seems they cannot know how to market Armagnac. The "hip" approach like Stoli... fails
- Artie Bucco: you said it was the "Next vodka"?
- Jean-Philippe Colbert: hey, so we are "big boys" and must move on
- Jean-Philippe Colbert: [after Artie whispers and curses to himself in Italian] what did you say?
- Artie Bucco: [raises his voice] I said I want my money
- Jean-Philippe Colbert: are you stupid? That money is spent: apparel, expenses, hotel, and travel
- Artie Bucco: no, you have my fifty thousand dollars
- Jean-Philippe Colbert: it's a business: it's a risk
- Artie Bucco: I have a daughter who needs braces!
- Jean-Philippe Colbert: listen to me, I don't have it right now
- Artie Bucco: [yells] you fuckin French lying cocksucker