Tom Kenny: SpongeBob • Narrator • Woman • ...

Graveyard Shift/Krusty Love

SpongeBob • Narrator • Woman • Waiter

[Squidward and SpongeBob cling to each other for dear life as the "Slasher" approaches]
Squidward: SpongeBob, no matter what I've said, I've always sorta liked you.
SpongeBob SquarePants: Squidward, I used your clarinet to unclog my toilet.
Squidward: [with outraged chagrin] Huh?

Squidward: Wait! If that was you on the phone, and you on the bus... then who was flickering the lights?
[the lights flicker. Everyone turns their attention to a picture of the vampire Nosferatu flipping light switch]
Squidward, SpongeBob SquarePants, Young Man: [affectionately chiding him] Nosferatu!

Squidward: You mean you've never heard the story of the... hash-slinging slasher?
SpongeBob: The slash-bringing hasher?
Squidward: The hash-slinging slasher.
SpongeBob: The sash wringing... the trash thinging... mash flinging... the flash springing, bringing the the crash thinging the...
Squidward: Yes. The hash-slinging slasher.

Squidward: Years ago, at this very restaurant, the hash-slinging slasher used to be a frycook, just like you. Only clumsier! And then, one night, when he was cutting the patties, it happened...
SpongeBob: He forgot the secret sauce?
Squidward: No.
SpongeBob: He didn't wash his hands?
Squidward: No!
SpongeBob: Irregular portions?
Squidward: NO! He cut off his own hand! By mistake!
SpongeBob: You mean like this?
[He pulls his own arm out and a new one grows. Squidward reacts with surprise and slight revulsion. At every 'this', SpongeBob removes his arm and a new one grows back]
SpongeBob: Or like this? Or this? Or this? But what about this? Or this? Or this? Or this?
Squidward: Except he wasn't a sponge!
SpongeBob: So?
Squidward: So it didn't grow back!
SpongeBob: OH NO!
[His extra arms react in fright and bounce away]
Squidward: And he replaced his hand... with a rusty spatula. And then... he got hit by a bus! And, as funeral, they fired him! So now... every... What day is it?
SpongeBob: Tuesday.
Squidward: Tuesday night! His ghost returns to the Krusty Krab to wreak his horrible vengeance!

Mr. Krabs: [SpongeBob is ready to finish for the day, points to Squidward holding a bag of trash] Take that pile of filth out with ya.
SpongeBob SquarePants: [gasps] Mr. Krabs! You shouldn't talk about Squidward like that!

SpongeBob: I am just so touched that you would go to the trouble to dress up as a ghostly fry-cook and stand on the other side of the street just to entertain me. You must really like me!
Squidward: Spongebob, there are two problems with your theory. One, I hate you. And two, how can that be me when I'm standing right here?

SpongeBob SquarePants: [on working the night shift] Isn't this great Squidward? Just you & me together for hours and hours and hours! And then the sun'll come up, and it'll be tomorrow, and we'll still be working! It'll be just like a sleepover! Only we'll be sweaty and covered with grease!
[Throughout the speech, Squidward has a look of disgust, then of exasperation, then of weary resignation]

SpongeBob SquarePants: Psst, Squidward, I'm working in the kitchen... at night! Hey Squidward, guess what? I'm chopping lettuce... at night! Look at me, I'm swabbing the bathroom... at night! OW I burned my hand!... at night!

[SpongeBob has finished taking out the trash and is walking confidently across the floor of the Krusty Krab. Squidward is leering at him mockingly from behind the counter]
Squidward: So, you're not afraid?
SpongeBob SquarePants: Pfff! Nah.
Squidward: Well, I am. Especially after...
[He gulps]
Squidward: Well, you know.
SpongeBob SquarePants: What? What do I know?
Squidward: You don't remember? It was all over the news!
SpongeBob SquarePants: [eagerly clenching his fists in excitement] Tell me! Tell me!
Squidward: [waving a tentacle dismissively] No, no, I probably shouldn't.
[He puts his hands to his chest, feigning sympathy]
Squidward: It would ruin the night shift for you.
[His eyes narrow and his mouth forms into a cunning grin]

Mr. Krabs: Do you think Mrs. Puff will need a dryer to go along with that?
SpongeBob: Well, Mr. Krabs, do you wanna know what I think?
[He explodes into angry gibberish]
SpongeBob: Aaaaagh, ragga-blabba-bragga-bradda-smollen-ollen, Mr. Krabs! Yagga-agga-maggen wallet! Zippity-mitty-spam! Rivving-wivving...
[Mrs. Puff takes out a dictionary to look up the gibberish that SpongeBob is yelling and exclaims, blushing]
SpongeBob: ... shibble Mr. Krabs' wallet!
[SpongeBob storms past her, muttering more angry gibberish]

[SpongeBob is sitting on the ground outside Mrs. Puff's house, exhausted and wheezing. His arms and legs are lying limp on the ground]
Mr. Krabs: SpongeBob! I'm glad I caught ya! I want you to buy Mrs. Puff-
[SpongeBob suddenly stands up]
SpongeBob SquarePants: Wait! Don't tell me! You want me to run down to the store, and buy Mrs. Puff something she doesn't need, then you want me to run back here, so you can say, 'Arr, SpongeBob, you're spendin' all me money!' And then I'll say, 'But, Mr. Krabs, I'm only doing what you said!' Then you'll say, 'We're not talking about this... '
[He draws a triangle in the air]
SpongeBob SquarePants: 'Or this... '
[He draws a square in the air]
SpongeBob SquarePants: 'We're talking about THIIIIIS!'
[He draws a whole bunch of furious scribbles to illustrate how stupid the situation is]

Waiter: Your bill, sir.
Mr. Krabs: WHAT? ONE HUNDRED DOLLARS? Well, this can't possibly be correct!
Waiter: [eyes the bill] My mistake, sir. Thank you for pointing that out.
[hand Krabs a different bill]
Waiter: THIS is your bill.
[Krabs looks down and his eyes enlarge weirdly. The exterior of the restaurant is shown and the cork flies off. His scream shatters the glass bottle, which causes the sign to go flying and the valet fall over]

Young Man: Can I have a job application? I brought my own spatula. I called earlier but I hung up, 'cause I was nervous."
SpongeBob: Do you have references?
Squidward: Wait! If that was you on the phone and you on the bus... then who was flickering the lights?