Tom Kenny: SpongeBob

Mermaidman and Barnacleboy III/Squirrel Jokes

SpongeBob

ManRay: Excuse me sir, but I do believe you've dropped your wallet.
Patrick: Doesn't look familiar to me.
ManRay: What? I just saw you drop it. Here.
Patrick: Nope, it's not mine.
ManRay: It is yours. I am trying to be a good person and return it to you.
Patrick: Return what to who?
ManRay: [facepalms, then shows Patrick his ID] Aren't you Patrick Star?
Patrick: Yup.
ManRay: And this is your ID.
Patrick: Yup.
ManRay: I found this ID in this wallet. And if that's the case, this must be your wallet.
Patrick: That makes sense to me.
ManRay: Then take it.
Patrick: It's not my wallet.
ManRay: [in anger and frustration] You dim-bulb! Take back your wallet or I'll rip your arms off!
[SpongeBob pushes the tickle button and Man Ray laughs]
SpongeBob SquarePants: No. Wrong. Good people don't rip other people's arms off!

SpongeBob SquarePants: Did you hear about the goldfish who went bankrupt? Now he's a bronzefish.

SpongeBob SquarePants: Okay, goodness lesson number two. You see someone struggling with a heavy package. What do you do?
ManRay: Hello, friend. I noticed you were struggling with that package. Would you like some help with...
[Patrick drops the package on ManRay's foot]
ManRay: Ow!
Patrick: Oops, sorry. Can I start over?
ManRay: I noticed you was...
[Patrick drops the package again]
ManRay: OW!
Patrick: Oops! Gotta start again.
ManRay: Would...
[Patrick drops the box again]
ManRay: OW!
Patrick: Oops!
ManRay: You butterfingered pink thing! What's in that box, anyhow?
Patrick: My wallets.
ManRay: [in a rage] ARGH!
[grabs Patrick's head]
Patrick: NO! SpongeBob, tickle him!
[Man Ray slams Patrick into the ground repeatedly. SpongeBob presses the tickle button]
ManRay: [laughs from the belt] It tickles, but it's worth it!
[continues slamming Patrick into the ground, while still laughing]

SpongeBob SquarePants: [walks backstage] Ah, another spectacular performance, SpongeBob.
SpongeBob SquarePants: [sees a note taped to his mirror] Oh, what's this? A fan letter?
Sandy Cheeks: [voiceover on note] You were right, SpongeBob! Those jokes are funny! Come on over to the treedome tomorrow and celebrate. Sandy.
SpongeBob SquarePants: You did it, SpongeBob. You get to keep your career and your friends.

Fish Patron 1: [the audience is not liking SpongeBob's jokes so far] Oh, brother, THIS GUY STINKS!
Fish Patron 2: Hey! Hey, funny guy! I've got a joke for you! What smells really rotten and puts people to sleep?
SpongeBob: Um, noxious gas?
Fish Patron 2: No! Your ACT!

ManRay: You mean, if I was good, then you'd let me go?
SpongeBob: Yeah, sure, why not?
ManRay: Then, uh, in that case... I am good.
SpongeBob: Really?
ManRay: Yes, really.
SpongeBob: Really, really?
ManRay: Yes, yes, really, really!
SpongeBob: Really, really, really?
ManRay: Yes, yes, already! I'm good! I'm good! Now let me out of here or you'll suffer dire consequences!
SpongeBob: Well, that's good enough for me.
[unfreezes ManRay]

[ManRay fakes crying so he can fool SpongeBob and Patrick]
ManRay: Oh, boohoo! Oh, sob! Oh, cry! Oh, woe is me! You don't know what it's like being evil for so long. Oh, how I wish to be... good. If only some kind heroes would show me the path to decency.
SpongeBob: We could teach you how to be good and then we'll let you go!
ManRay: [feigning being overjoyed] Ahh, that would be fantastic!
[chuckles; under his breath]
ManRay: I'll fake my way through this just like I did in high school.

SpongeBob SquarePants: Hey-hey-hey, ladies and jellyfish! Have you ever noticed salt shakers? I mean, you fill them up every night at closing and, I mean, where did it all go? Huh? You know what I mean?
[the crowd is silent. A cricket chirping is heard, and then SEEN]
SpongeBob SquarePants: And tomatoes-- what's the deal on those things? Hehe.
[It's not getting any better]
SpongeBob SquarePants: Because, I mean, you chop them up into slices, but...
[the cricket is seen again]
SpongeBob SquarePants: What are they, vegetables or... fruit? And what does that make ketchup Hee-hee.

SpongeBob SquarePants: Uh, hi. Hehe. Uh... did you ever hear about the goldfish who went bankrupt?
[beat]
SpongeBob SquarePants: Now, he's a bronze fish!
[Rimshot is heard]
SpongeBob SquarePants: [silence]
Fish Patron 2: What?
Fish Patron 1: What did he say?
SpongeBob SquarePants: I guess you heard that one.
Sandy Cheeks: I haven't heard it! Good one, SpongeBob!

SpongeBob SquarePants: [the crowd boos, even Patrick]
[SpongeBob sees Sandy's buck teeth]
SpongeBob SquarePants: Did you ever noticed... how big squirrels' teeth are?
Fish Patron 1: [the crowd starts to laugh] That's true.
Sandy Cheeks: Huh?
SpongeBob SquarePants: I mean, hey, you could land a plane on those things.
[the crowd laughs]
SpongeBob SquarePants: And what's up with that squirrel fur? I guess fleas need a home, too!
[the crowd laughs harder]
Patrick: Hahahaha! Squirrel fur!
SpongeBob SquarePants: And they smell! Uh, but hey, you'd stink, too if you spent three months covered in dirt.
[the audience is keeps laughing, but Sandy is uncomfortable, smiling awkwardly]
SpongeBob SquarePants: [SpongeBob laughs] Why does it take more than one squirrel to change a lightbulb?
Fish Patron 1: [from back] WHY?
SpongeBob SquarePants: Because... they are so darn stupid!
[the crowd laughs even harder]
Patrick: Dahahahaha! Oh, that's a good one, eh, Sandy?
Sandy Cheeks: [chuckling awkwardly, she's uncomfortable] Uh, he... uh, yeah.
[the crowd cheers loudly and SpongeBob goes backstage]