William Shatner credited as playing...
Captain James T. Kirk
- [last lines]
- [all tribbles have been removed from the Enterprise, but nobody seems eager to tell Kirk what happened to them]
- Capt. Kirk: Mister Scott. Where - are - the tribbles?
- Scott: I used the transporter, Captain.
- Capt. Kirk: You used the transporter?
- Scott: Aye.
- Capt. Kirk: Well, where did you transport them?
- [the others are looking away, trying to appear not involved]
- Capt. Kirk: Scott, you didn't transport them into space, did you?
- Scott: Captain Kirk! That'd be inhuman!
- Capt. Kirk: Well, where are they?
- Scott: I gave them a very good home, sir.
- Capt. Kirk: WHERE?
- Scott: I gave 'em to the Klingons, sir.
- Capt. Kirk: [whispering] You gave them to the Klingons?
- Scott: Aye, sir. Before they went into warp, I transported the whole kit 'n' caboodle into their engine room, where they'll be no tribble at all.
- Capt. Kirk: How close will we come to the nearest Klingon outpost if we continue on our present course?
- Chekov: Ah, one parsec, sir. Close enough to smell them.
- [grins broadly]
- Spock: That is illogical, Ensign. Odors cannot travel through the vacuum of space.
- Chekov: I was making a little joke, sir.
- Spock: Extremely little, Ensign.
- [Kirk is questioning Scotty about his reasons to start a bar fight with the Klingons]
- Scott: Well, Captain, er... the Klingons called you a... a tin-plated overbearing, swaggering dictator with delusions of godhood.
- Capt. Kirk: Is that all?
- Scott: No, sir. They also compared you with a Denebian slime devil.
- Capt. Kirk: I see.
- Scott: And then they said that you were a...
- Capt. Kirk: I get the picture, Scotty.
- Scott: Yes, sir.
- Capt. Kirk: And after they said all this, that's when you hit the Klingons.
- Scott: No, sir.
- Capt. Kirk: ...No?
- Scott: No, er, I didn't. You told us to avoid trouble.
- Capt. Kirk: Oh, yes.
- Scott: And I didn't see that it was worth fighting about. After all, we're big enough to take a few insults. Aren't we?
- Capt. Kirk: What was it they said that started the fight?
- Scott: They called the Enterprise a garbage scow! Sir.
- Capt. Kirk: I see. And... that's when you hit the Klingon?
- Scott: Yes, sir!
- Capt. Kirk: You hit the Klingons because they insulted the Enterprise, not because they...
- Scott: Well, sir, this was a matter of pride.
- Capt. Kirk: All right, Scotty. Dismissed. Oh... Scotty, you're restricted to quarters until further notice.
- Scott: Yes, sir. Thank you, sir! That'll give me a chance to catch up on my technical journals!
- [Kirk is testing the tribbles' reaction on several people, starting with the Klingons. The tribbles squeal]
- Capt. Kirk: Why, you're right, Mister Jones. They don't like Klingons.
- [he moves on]
- Capt. Kirk: But they do like Vulcans. Well, Mr. Spock, I didn't know you had it in you.
- Spock: Obviously, tribbles are very perceptive creatures, Captain.
- Capt. Kirk: Obviously.
- [he moves on]
- Capt. Kirk: Mister Baris, they like you. Well, there's no accounting for taste.
- Dr. McCoy: Do you know what you get if you feed a tribble too much?
- Capt. Kirk: A fat tribble.
- Dr. McCoy: No. You get a whole bunch of hungry little tribbles.
- Capt. Kirk: Well, Bones, all I can suggest... is you open up a maternity ward.
- Nilz Baris: Captain Kirk, I consider your security measures a disgrace. In my opinion, you have taken this entire, very important project far too lightly.
- Capt. Kirk: On the contrary, sir. I think of this project as very important. It is YOU I take lightly.
- [Baris has suggested Jones to be a Klingon agent]
- Capt. Kirk: Cyrano Jones? A Klingon agent?
- [laughs]
- Nilz Baris: You heard me.
- Capt. Kirk: I heard you.
- Spock: He simply could not believe his ears.
- Nilz Baris: Kirk, this station is swarming with Klingons.
- Capt. Kirk: I was not aware, Mr. Baris, that 12 Klingons constitutes a swarm.
- Nilz Baris: Captain Kirk, there are Klingon soldiers on this station. Now, I want you to keep that grain safe!
- Capt. Kirk: Mr. Baris, I have guards around the grain, I have guards around the Klingons. The only reason those guards are there is because Starfleet wants them there. As for what *you* want... it has been noted and logged. Kirk out.
- [he shuts off the comlink]
- Spock: Captain, may I ask where you'll be?
- Capt. Kirk: Sickbay, with a headache.
- [Kirk takes a tray out of a food dispenser. Food and cup are covered with tribbles]
- Capt. Kirk: My chicken sandwich and coffee. This is my chicken sandwich and coffee!
- Spock: Fascinating.
- Capt. Kirk: I want these off the ship. I don't care if takes every man we've got, I want them off the ship.
- Capt. Kirk: [handing Chekov a container] Mr. Chekov, what do you make of this?
- Chekov: Oh, quadrotriticale. I've read about this, but, er, I've never seen any before.
- Capt. Kirk: Does everybody know about this wheat but me?
- Chekov: Oh, not everyone, Captain. It's a Russian invention.
- Capt. Kirk: As Captain, I want two things done. First, find Cyrano Jones, and second...
- [he looks up irritated, as tribbles keep falling on him from the storage compartment]
- Capt. Kirk: ...close that door.
- Nilz Baris: There must be thousands of them.
- Capt. Kirk: [buried up to his neck in tribbles] Hundreds of thousands.
- Spock: 1,771,561. That's assuming one tribble, multiplying with an average litter of 10, producing a new generation every 12 hours over a period of three days.
- Capt. Kirk: And that's assuming that they got here three days ago.
- Spock: And allowing for the amount of grain consumed and the volume of the storage compartment.
- Capt. Kirk: Another technical journal, Scotty?
- Scott: Aye.
- Capt. Kirk: Don't you ever relax?
- Scott: I am relaxing.
- Nilz Baris: And, now, Captain, I want all available security guards. I want them posted around the storage compartments.
- Capt. Kirk: Storage compartments? Storage compartments?
- Arne Darvin: The storage compartments containing the quadro-triticale.
- Capt. Kirk: The what, the what? What's... quadro-triticale?
- Lurry: Here...
- [hands Kirk a small container]
- Capt. Kirk: [spills some of its contents on his hand] Wheat. So what?
- Capt. Kirk: Captain Koloth, about that apology...
- Koloth: Yes?
- Capt. Kirk: You have six hours to get your ship out of Federation territory.
- [Cyrano Jones is asking for leniency after his tribbles have infested the entire space station]
- Capt. Kirk: There is one thing you could do.
- Cyrano Jones: Yes.
- Capt. Kirk: Pick up every tribble on the space station. If you do that, I'll speak to Mr. Lurry about returning your spaceship.
- Cyrano Jones: [appalled] It would take years!
- Spock: 17.9, to be exact.
- Cyrano Jones: 17.9 years?
- Capt. Kirk: Consider it job security.
- Capt. Kirk: Lt. Uhura, how did all these tribbles get on the bridge?
- Uhura: I don't know, sir. They do seem to be all over the ship.
- Capt. Kirk: Dr. McCoy.
- Dr. McCoy: Yes, did you want to see me, Jim?
- [Kirk hands him some tribbles]
- Dr. McCoy: Well don't look at me, it's the tribbles that are breeding and if we don't get them off the ship were gonna be hip deep in them.
- Capt. Kirk: Would you explain.
- Dr. McCoy: The only thing that I can figure out is that they're born pregnant... which seems to be quite a timesaver.
- Capt. Kirk: I know but really...
- Dr. McCoy: And, from my observations if seems they're bisexual, reproducing at will. And brother, have they got a lot of will.
- Spock: Captain, I'm forced to agree with the doctor. I've been running computations on their rate of reproduction. The figures are taking an alarming direction. They are consuming our supplies and returning nothing.
- Uhura: Oh, but they do give us something, Mr. Spock. They give us love. Well, Cyrano Jones says that a tribble is the only love that money can buy.
- Capt. Kirk: Too much of anything, lieutenant, even love isn't necessarily a good thing.
- Uhura: Yes, captain.
- Capt. Kirk: Get a maintenance crew to clean up the entire ship and then contact Mr. Lurry and tell him I'm beaming down.
- Uhura: Aye, aye, sir.
- Capt. Kirk: Have him find Cyrano Jones and hold him,
- [weakly]
- Capt. Kirk: ... and get these tribbles off the bridge.
- Dr. McCoy: [enters after Kirk gets covered with tribbles] Jim! I think I've got it. All we have to do is quit feeding them. We quit feeding them, they stop breeding!
- Capt. Kirk: Now he tells me.
- Capt. Kirk: I have never questioned the orders or the intelligence of any representative of the Federation. Until now.
- Capt. Kirk: Bones, what've you got for a headache?
- Dr. McCoy: Let me guess: the Klingons, Baris...
- Capt. Kirk: Both.