James Smith credited as playing...
Glenn Cullen
- Oliver Reeder: Who wants to go and watch bollockvision?
- Hugh Abbott: Bollockvision?
- Oliver Reeder: Mr. Malcolm Tucker, turning it all the way up to eleven down in the lobby. Come and have a look.
- [cut to them all watching Tucker shouting at another minister on an adjacent floor from a balcony]
- Hugh Abbott: Poor Keith. Malcolm must fucking love this place, four ministers in one building. It's his dream, a one-stop bollock shop.
- Glenn Cullen: Trouble is we're going to be getting some of that in about an hour.
- Hugh Abbott: Yeah. I don't know which is worse, watching him slowly rumble towards you like a prostate cancer or him appearing suddenly out of nowhere like a severe stroke.
- [Terri, whose father just died, looks at him]
- Hugh Abbott: Oh. How's your sister coping?
- Malcolm Tucker: So, did you enjoy the show?
- Glenn Cullen: You were magnificent, darling!
- Hugh Abbott: Yeah, should I phone Keith so I can get his team to watch you bollock me now?
- Malcolm Tucker: No no no. Have I got my bollocking face on?
- Hugh Abbott: Well, I...
- Malcolm Tucker: [making a seriously scary face] No, this is my bollocking face.
- Hugh Abbott: Oh, crickey, yes. Thanks for the pot plant, by the way.
- Malcolm Tucker: Did I send that?
- Hugh Abbott: As an office warming present.
- Malcolm Tucker: Christ, she's a great PA isn't she, Sam? She always remembers the little people. Look at the size of that fucker, you can fucking crucify somebody on that!
- Hugh Abbott: So, citizenshit. What we need to do to knock together some nice, touchy-feely, fondle-y, sneaky, hand-in-the-bra sort of policies.
- Glenn Cullen: New bicycles for special constables, that sort of thing?
- Hugh Abbott: Yeah. Yeah.
- Oliver Reeder: Making special needs kids clean up graffiti.
- Hugh Abbott: Yeah, that's just very mean.
- Oliver Reeder: Well, yes. Not, of course, as mean as making them spell graffiti. That genuinely is very mean.
- Glenn Cullen: [gets up and leaves] I'll go and have a word with Malcolm.
- Oliver Reeder: OK.
- Hugh Abbott: You just took a shit with your clothes on, Olly.
- Oliver Reeder: Why?
- Hugh Abbott: Glenn's boy, Peter, he went to a special needs school.
- Oliver Reeder: Oh.
- Hugh Abbott: Yep.
- Oliver Reeder: Glenn's had sex.
- Hugh Abbott: God, you are such a prick, Olly. There's more to life, you know, than drinks parties at the Foreign Office and having Nick Robinson's mobile number on your fucking Blackberry.
- Oliver Reeder: All right, all right, fine. Sorry, Hugh. I feel for the guy, I had a girlfriend with special needs once, so I know.
- [with a smile]
- Oliver Reeder: Luckily I was able to fulfil them.
- Hugh Abbott: Oh, God, you're such a...