- Sheriff Truman: I've had just about enough of you and your insults!
- Albert Rosenfield: Oh yeah? Well, I've had about enough of this small town filled with morons and half wits, dolts, dunces, dullards and dumbbells... and you... you chowder-head yokel, you blithering hayseed. You've had enough of me?
- Sheriff Truman: Yes, I have.
- [Truman punches Albert in the face]
- Albert Rosenfield: Mr. Horne, I realize that your position in this fair community pretty well guarantees venality, insincerity, and a rather irritating method of expressing yourself. Stupidity, however, is not necessarily a inherent trait, therefore, please listen closely. You can have a funeral any old time. You dig a hole, you plant a coffin. I, however, cannot perform these tests next year, next month, next week or tomorrow - I must perform them now. I've got a lot of cutting and pasting to do, gentlemen, so why don't you please return to your porch rockers and resume whittling.
- [about a dream he had of Laura Palmer]
- Dale Cooper: She whispered to me who killed her
- Sheriff Truman: Well, what did she say?
- Dale Cooper: You know... I don't remember.
- Albert Rosenfield: I do not suffer fools gladly, and fools with badges never. I want no interference from this hulking boob. Is that clear?
- Shelly Johnson: I've got one man too many in my life and I'm married to him. Sound familiar?
- Norma Jennings: Maybe you should have a little talk with Leo.
- Shelly Johnson: Leo doesn't talk, he hits. He was so great at first, you know. This flashy guy in his hot car. Then we get married and I find out all he was looking for was a maid he didn't have to pay. I feel so stupid.
- Norma Jennings: Look at us. Two men apiece and we don't know what to do with any of the four of them.
- Sheriff Truman: There's a sort of evil out there. Something very, very strange in these old woods. Call it what you want. A darkness, a presence. It takes many forms but... its been out there for as long as anyone can remember and we've always been here to fight it.
- The Log Lady: [introduction] Even the ones who laugh are sometimes caught without an answer: these creatures who introduce themselves but we swear we have met them somewhere before. Yes, look in the mirror. What do you see? Is it a dream, or a nightmare? Are we being introduced against our will? Are they mirrors? I can see the smoke. I can smell the fire. The battle is drawing nigh.
- Sheriff Truman: Morning, Leo.
- Leo Johnson: [hostile and beligerent tone] Who the hell is he?
- Sheriff Truman: This is Special Agent Cooper, FBI. He's investigating the murder of Laura Palmer. He'd like to ask you a couple of questions.
- Leo Johnson: So ask!
- Dale Cooper: Leo... is that short for Leonard?
- Leo Johnson: That's a question?
- Dale Cooper: Did you know Laura Palmer?
- Leo Johnson: [after a short pause] No.
- Dale Cooper: Really? How well did you know her?
- Leo Johnson: I said I didn't!
- Dale Cooper: You're lying.
- Leo Johnson: [sighs] I knew who she was. Everybody did, all right?
- Dale Cooper: Do you have a criminal record?
- Leo Johnson: Nothing. You can look it up.
- Dale Cooper: I have. Illegal U-turn... April 1986. Drunk and disorderly... November 1987. September 1988, aggravated assult. Charges dropped.
- Leo Johnson: So? I paid my debt to society.
- Dr. Lawrence Jacoby: Laura had secrets and around those secrets she built the fortress that, well that in my six months with her, I was not able to penetrate and for which I consider myself an abject failure.
- Sheriff Truman: Your brother hasn't been to work for the past few days. Where is he?
- Bernard Renault: I don't know. He got personal business elsewhere.
- Sheriff Truman: Who else is he dealing drugs with?
- Bernard Renault: Why don't you ask him yourself? He will be at the Roadhouse tonight.
- Sheriff Truman: He's coming to work at the Roadhouse tonight?
- Bernard Renault: Yes. He's the bartender, isn't he?
- Dale Cooper: Wait a minute here. Bernard, we have you tied to a chair. You're mixed up with your brother, Jacques, in a wide variety of felonies. What I want to know is why in the world would you tell us where and when to find him?
- Leo Johnson: [into a phone] Yeah? Hello?
- Jacques Renault: [into a phone] Leo? It's Jacques.
- Leo Johnson: [into the phone] What's up, Jacques?
- Jacques Renault: [into the phone] The light... the bust light's on!
- Leo Johnson: [into the phone] You sure?
- Jacques Renault: [into the phone] I saw it, man! I saw it! It's blinking on top of the Roadhouse! Bernard's in trouble! You got to get me out of here right now, Leo! Border run!
- Leo Johnson: [into the phone] Where are you?
- Jacques Renault: [into the phone] I'm at phone booth right next to the Cash and Carry Laundromat. And I don't like waiting, man!
- Leo Johnson: [into the phone] Shut up! I'm on my way!
- [Leo hangs up]
- Dale Cooper: Did you ever sell drugs to Laura Palmer?
- Bernard Renault: I don't sell drugs.
- Sheriff Truman: How much did Jacques pay you to be the mule?
- Bernard Renault: Jacques don't pay me anything. I'm no mule!
- Sheriff Truman: Oh, so that ounce of cocaine that we found on you is... let me guess: yours for personal use?
- Bernard Renault: Yeah, that's right.
- Dale Cooper: Then I guess you don't get much sleep at night, Bernie.
- Sheriff Truman: [Lucy is watching a soap opera] Morning, Lucy. What's going on?
- Lucy Moran: Uhh, thanks to Jade, Jared decided not to kill himself and he's changed his will, leaving the Towers to Jade instead of Emerald but Emerald found out about it and now she's trying to seduce Chet to give her the new will so she can destroy it. Montana's planning to kill Jared at midnight so the Towers will belong to Emerald and Montana but I think she's going to double cross him and he doesn't know it yet. Poor Chet.
- Sheriff Truman: What's going on... here?
- Lucy Moran: Uh, Agent Cooper is in the conference room with Dr. Jacoby.