- Jake: Why is your head exploding?
- Charlie: Well, I drank a little too much wine last night.
- Jake: If it makes you feel bad, why do you drink it?
- Charlie: Nobody likes a wise-ass, Jake.
- Jake: You have to put a dollar in the swear jar. You said "ass".
- Charlie: Tell you what. Here's $20. That should cover me until lunch.
- Alan Harper: Now, what I think you need to do is to make a list. On one side, put what you don't like about our marriage and on the other side, what you do.
- Judith Harper: Alan, sometimes when I think about coming home to you, I start crying in my car.
- Alan Harper: Okay. That would probably go on the "don't" side.
- Alan: [leaving a message on Charlie's aswering machine] Hey, Charlie! My wife just kicked me out and I'm losing the will to live! Are you there?
- Alan: Charlie, the key under the fake rock only works if it's with other rocks, not sitting on your doormat!
- Girl on phone: [Charlie's home phone rings and redirects to voicemail] Listen, you lousy SOB! I will not be treated like this! Either you call me, or you're going to be very, very sorry! I love you, monkey man!
- Laura: Charlie, who was that?
- Charlie: Damn telemarketers!
- Laura: A telemarketer who calls you "monkey man"?
- Charlie: I'm on some weird list!
- Charlie: Look at you. All grown up and back living with Mom. How good do you feel about yourself right now? On a scale of one to two?
- Alan Harper: I'm not back living with Mom. I'm simply staying here until Judith and I work things out.
- Charlie: So... one?
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