Ryan Stiles: Self

Show No. 424

Self

Colin Mochrie: [in "Hollywood Director", Colin yells cut after the first alternate style, as masochists] I may have misled you.
[to Ryan]
Colin Mochrie: And NEVER pull down your pants again! Although thanks for reminding me: I need to get some chicken. All right, uh...
Ryan Stiles: You started it. Here we go.

Brad Sherwood: [after Brad knocked over Ryan and Colin's water in "Hollywood Director"] I am SO thirsty, Wayne, how 'bout you?
[Brad and Wayne drink water, including doing it while interlocking arms]
Brad Sherwood: Ah.
Wayne Brady: I couldn't POSSIBLY have any more water.
Drew Carey: In that case, you don't need any POINTS. A thousand points to Ryan and Colin for that one.
[Ryan mimes pulling points out of the air and sticking them in his empty water pitcher]
Ryan Stiles: Points, Colin? Would you like some points?
Colin Mochrie: Thank you.
Ryan Stiles: [hands Colin a glass] Five hundred for you...
[mimes pouring his glass]
Ryan Stiles: I'll have some points, too. I couldn't POSSIBLY drink any more points.

Ryan Stiles: [in "Weird Newscasters", as a "tough drill instructor pushing out of shape raw recruits through a difficult assault course"]
[in an audience member's face]
Ryan Stiles: Where are you from?
[audience member says, "Los Angeles."]
Ryan Stiles: Los Angeles SIR!
[audience member says "Los Angeles, sir!"]
Ryan Stiles: Only two things come from Los Angeles: Steers and... and YOU!

Colin Mochrie: [in "Improbable Mission", the mission being walking the dog] First of all, we better get to the dog.
Ryan Stiles: Right.
[pause]
Ryan Stiles: Any idea where it is?
Colin Mochrie: I'll check it on the Dog Meter.
Ryan Stiles: Right.
Colin Mochrie: [mimes typing on a keyboard] There he is: A-14, B-7.
Ryan Stiles: Right.
Colin Mochrie: Bingo.

Ryan Stiles: [in "Improbable Mission", the mission being walking the dog] All right, let's get him going. You got a leash?
Colin Mochrie: A leash!
Ryan Stiles: [sighs in frustration] Hey! You still got that tapeworm?
[Colin mimes pulling a tapeworm out of his mouth]

Ryan Stiles: [in "Improbable Mission", the mission being walking the dog] We're gonna have to ride this dog, you and I.
Colin Mochrie: Of course! If you can't walk it, ride it.
Ryan Stiles: Get on.
Colin Mochrie: Well gee, there's barely enough room for me!
Ryan Stiles: Then get close.
[Colin presses up against Ryan's backside]
Ryan Stiles: Not THAT close!
[Colin backs off]
Ryan Stiles: Okay, that close.
[both pretend to ride the dog; the audience cheers]
Ryan Stiles: I don't know... I don't know if it's doin' anything for the dog, but I'm not gonna need to be walked again today!

Ryan Stiles: [in "Improbable Mission", the mission being walking the dog] What's a dog go after?
Colin Mochrie: Jell-o!
Ryan Stiles: Really?
Colin Mochrie: I've got some setting in my pocket right now.
Ryan Stiles: It's set.
Colin Mochrie: Look at 'em go!
Ryan Stiles: What is it about Jell-o and dogs?
Colin Mochrie: It's the flavor crystals.