Paul Eddington: James Hacker

The Devil You Know

James Hacker

James Hacker: You know what they say about the average Common Market official. He has the organising ability of the Italians, the flexibility of the Germans, and the modesty of the French. And that's topped up by the imagination of the Belgians, the generosity of the Dutch and the intelligence of the Irish.

Sir Humphrey Appleby: Well, Minister, I'm afraid that is the penalty we have to pay for trying to pretend that we're Europeans. Believe me, I fully understand your hostility to Europe.
James Hacker: I'm not like you, Humphrey. I'm pro-Europe, I'm just anti-Brussels. I sometimes think you're anti-Europe and pro-Brussels.

James Hacker: Europe is a community of nations, dedicated towards one goal.
Sir Humphrey Appleby: [laughs]
James Hacker: May we share the joke, Humphrey?
Sir Humphrey Appleby: Minister, may I?
[sits]
Sir Humphrey Appleby: Let's look at this objectively. It is a game played for national interests and always was. Why do you suppose we went into it?
James Hacker: To strengthen the brotherhood of free Western nations.
Sir Humphrey Appleby: Oh, really. We went in to screw the French by splitting them off from the Germans.
James Hacker: Well, why did the French go into it, then?
Sir Humphrey Appleby: Well, to protect their inefficient farmers from commercial competition.
James Hacker: That certainly doesn't apply to the Germans!
Sir Humphrey Appleby: No, no. They went in to cleanse themselves of genocide and apply for readmission to the human race.

[discussing the EEC]
James Hacker: The trouble with Brussels is not internationalism, it's too much bureaucracy.
Sir Humphrey Appleby: But the bureaucracy is a consequence of the internationalism. Why else would there be an English Commissioner with a French Director-General immediately below him, and an Italian Chef-du-Division reporting to the Frenchman and so on down the line.
James Hacker: Oh, I agree.
Sir Humphrey Appleby: It's like the Tower of Babel.
James Hacker: I agree.
Sir Humphrey Appleby: No, it's even worse, it's like the United Nations.
James Hacker: I agree.
Bernard Woolley: Then perhaps, if I may interject, you are in fact in agreement.
James Hacker, Sir Humphrey Appleby: No we're not!

James Hacker: Speaking with my parliamentary hat on, I don't think it would be a very good idea; on the other hand, with my Cabinet hat on, I think perhaps it would be a good idea. But there again, with my Party hat on, I can see there could be arguments on both sides.
Sir Humphrey Appleby: I see, and which hat are you talking through at the moment?

[discussing a cabinet colleague]
James Hacker: Don't forget, there's Basil Corbett. He's still out to get me.
Annie Hacker: Oh, he's out to get everyone.
James Hacker: He's a smooth-tongued, hardnosed, cold-eyed, two-faced creep.
Annie Hacker: Why is he so successful?
James Hacker: Because he's a smooth-tongued, hardnosed, cold-eyed, two-faced creep.

James Hacker: But we can't stab our partners in the back and spit in their face.
Bernard Woolley: You can't stab anyone in the back while you spit in their face.

[Sir Humphrey is trying desperately to get an idea that will make Hacker stay and not go to Brussels]
Sir Humphrey Appleby: Supposing you ignore the EEC... and then publish your own plans for word processing machines... with big, big orders for British manufacturers... starting immediately... tomorrow... well certainly before Monday... involving more jobs, investment, more export orders...
James Hacker: More votes?

[last lines]
James Hacker: Tell me, Humphrey. Who would have got my position here if I had gone to Brussels?
Sir Humphrey Appleby: Oh, I don't know...
Bernard Woolley: Didn't you tell me it was Basil Corbett?
Sir Humphrey Appleby: Basil Corbett...
[laughs uncomfortably]
James Hacker: Oh, I see. Basil Corbett.
Sir Humphrey Appleby: [long pause] Yes, Minister.

James Hacker: [Discussing the rumoured Cabinet reshuffle] It's difficult to tell. The PM might think I've been too much of a success. You know, a challenge to the leadership.
Annie Hacker: [disbelievingly] You?