Nigel Planer credited as playing...
- Mike TheCoolPerson: Twenty-seven minutes and thirty-two seconds in the bathroom and Mike looks fantastic. Unlike the kitchen! Neil, what's this mess?
- Neil Pye: Well, it's mostly lentils, but there's some crockery mixed in.
- Neil: I won't say anything because no one ever listens to me anyway. I might as well be a Leonard Cohen record.
- Neil: [after kettle blows up] It's as if the kettle's killed itself rather than be used by me.
- Neil: [talking to a spade] You're a spade.
- [pauses]
- Neil: I always call him that.
- Vyvyan: [about the person at the door] It's probably someone unbelievably boring.
- Neil: [Upon discovering who's at the door] Oh no! It's the TV detector man!
- Rick: MIKE, YOU BASTARD! Why didn't you buy a license? I can't go to prison, I'm too pretty, I'll get raped!
- Neil: If I had a penny for every time I had to answer the door, I'd have £5.63
- Vyvyan: Good morning, Neil. Tea ready yet, is it?
- Neil: Shh! The kettle's had a breakdown.
- Vyvyan: Oh, no! That means we'll have to have raw tea again!
- Neil: [after all the lentils spill out of the cupboard] We'll have to have corn flakes.
- Vyvyan: Corn flakes for breakfast? That's disgusting, Neil!
