Lee Evans credited as playing...
Self
- Lee Evans: Why are we still embarrased about the condom machine? The only blokes who are not embarrased are the blokes who don't get any! You know, they wait in the bog, pound in hand, and as soon as someone comes in they're like "Come on! come on! I've got birds waiting!"
- Lee Evans: Car thieves operate in this area, Where else would they operate? Its a f**king car park! The number of times I've been driving through the country, see a couple of car thieves standing in a field saying 'You said there'd be cars!' And thanks for telling us! They're not doing anythin about it! You'd hate it if you were getting mugged and a copper ran up to you and said, 'He's muggin you, he is! He's running away with all your money!'
- Lee Evans: I love restaurants, and that's the thing now, they always boast about now, restaurants - home made cooking - I don't want home made cooking, that's why I'm here, 'cos I don't like the shit at home! Yeah... you know! And they don't say who's home it is, do they! Could be a mental home, couldn't it!
- Lee Evans: We got completely lost driving in, and we asked the way, yeah, why is it that when you ask for directions you always get the village-fucking-idiot!
- Lee Evans: You ever get lost with your wife in the car, you're *completely* lost, and they *always* say the same thing! "Oh let's just go home." "WE'RE FUCKING LOST! WHAT DID YOU THROW FUCKIN' BREAD OUT THE WINDOW?"
- Lee Evans: Who are them blokes, the jockeys? Who are they, three foot high fucking hobbits in a pimps outift!
- Lee Evans: People say why do we kill so many cows, well they're *crap!* They have no survival instincts whatsoever! You stand next to any fence in the country and a cow'll walk towards you going "Is it my time yet? I don't mind, just shoot me!" They're dumb animals, otherwise they'd learn to shit without it hitting the back of their legs! They'd swing it out at least! All dumb animals soil themselves! Sheep! Sheep are the same, but they do it for a reason! They're like that
- [imitating rubbing shit over himself]
- Lee Evans: "Make a jumper outta me, will ya! I don't think so!" But cows, ah, they haven't even got any camoflauge! They're black and white, and where do they choose to stand? IN A GREEN FIELD! They can't even run away properly, you chase a cow across a field and they run away like an old drunk!
- [staggers around]
- Lee Evans: Our grandparents fucking ate anything put in front of them! Your granddad would say "What's for tea, love?" "Tripe!" "Oooooohh! Animal stomach lining for fucking tea, man!" They ate anything, fucking monkey's phlegm, uranutang's bollocks. I dunno I'm just making them up now... chicken's quiff!
- Lee Evans: [talking about people on compensation adverts] Then there's that woman, you know, "I was on my way to work when I slipped over accidentally on purpose!"
- Lee Evans: [about little boys climbing trees] GET DOWN, fucking GET DOWN, I thought my dad was James Brown when I was a kid. But when they get to 16 its all "get up, fucking get up". When you get to 18 its "Get out! Get out!
- Lee Evans: Not If you've got a daughter though, its "Get in"
- Lee Evans: [as his daughter] But I love him dad.
- Lee Evans: Fucking get in!
- Lee Evans: [as her boyfriend] But I love her Mr Evans.
- Lee Evans: Get fucked!
- Lee Evans: Have you noticed every time there's a murderer on the loose they have that advert pop up from B&Q - "this week, hatchets, half price!"
- Lee Evans: I hate those parking machines. Any machine where you've got to put money in, how do they always know you're in a hurry? You know, you rush up to it and they always get fussy on that last pound coin! You put it in and it goes "Nooo, I don't like that one!" "Yeah well it's just the same as all the others!" "Yeah I know, I just don't like that last one!"
- Lee Evans: I'm always all over the place, you know, you get these people that are like "Here, I was talking to her on monday - was it tuesday? - was it thurs-?" "WHO CARES! JUST TELL ME WHAT THEY FUCKING SAID!" I hate them fuckers! They say stuff like "Feels like a tuesday, does it feel like a tuesday? Yeah, feels like a tuesday." I don't know! How the fuck does tuesday feel?
- [laughs]
- Lee Evans: They're like "It's half past five but it only feels like twelve," fucking hell, do they people forget to go to bed because they already think they're asleep?
- Lee Evans: I love kebabs, they give you all that meat, that saturated fat, and they give you that little bit of salad. What's that, the healthy section? Never see a drunk do that, do you? "Where's me salad! What you trying to do, kill me?"
- Lee Evans: Peanuts! What happened to peanuts! Now every buggers allergic to peanuts! It's true, you open a packet of peanuts now, and a bunch of five year olds in a five mile radius slam to the floor, jabbing themselves with fucking adreniline!
- Lee Evans: I swear, the other day I bought a packet of peanuts, and on the packet it said "may contain nuts." Well, fucking YES! That's what I bought the buggers for! You'd be pissed off if you opened it and a socket set fell out!
- Lee Evans: Bird flu! What's that? How do you know a bird's got flu! Some chinese bloke spots one of his chicken with its claws in a bowl of hot water and a towel over its head! Bwrr-rr-rrr-rrr-rrr-rrr-rr!