Alex Borstein credited as playing...
Lois Griffin
- Stewie Griffin: I'm as pathetic as the fat man when he tries to read.
- [Lois and Peter are seen reading something on the sofa]
- Stewie Griffin: Hey, Lois, what's this word?
- Lois Griffin: "Evel..."
- Peter Griffin: And this one?
- Lois Griffin: "... Knievel..."
- Peter Griffin: And this one?
- Lois Griffin: "... was..."
- Peter Griffin: And this one?
- Lois Griffin: "... born..."
- Peter Griffin: And this one?
- Lois Griffin: "... in..."
- Peter Griffin: And this one?
- Lois Griffin: "... Montana."
- Peter Griffin: Hey, Lois, did you know that Evel Knievel was born in Montana?
- Lois Griffin: [trying to wean Stewie off breast milk] Tonight we're going to try formula instead.
- [Stewie sucks on the bottle, but immediately spits the contents out]
- Stewie Griffin: Ugh! That's more disgusting than when Peter went through that Daisy Dukes phase.
- [cutaway; Brian and Stewie are on the couch, when Peter enters dressed like Daisy Duke]
- Peter Griffin: So, who's up for some hoops at the park, huh? Oh, there you are. Come here, you basketball.
- [Peter bends over and his shorts ride up his butt crack; Brian and Stewie turn away and groan in disgust]
- Brian Griffin: It's like a walrus flossing.
- Lois Griffin: Ow. Damn, that hurts.
- Brian Griffin: What happened?
- Lois Griffin: I was breastfeeding Stewie, and he bit me again. I think he might have even broken the skin.
- Brian Griffin: I see. Um... maybe I should, uh, you know, uh, look at it. Uh... I, uh, I-I have seen a lot of medical shows.
- Lois Griffin: [flashing him without a second thought] You see, the areola is very tender here. And I think one of his new teeth may have bitten down right on a duct.
- Brian Griffin: [taking the view in] I'm sorry, what?
- Lois Griffin: I don't know what to do, Brian. Breastfeeding's just so painful since Stewie's teeth are coming in. Now I know how Alec Baldwin feels when he feeds his brothers.
- [cut to Alec breastfeeding his brothers]
- Brian Griffin: Well, maybe it's time to wean Stewie.
- Lois Griffin: Oh, I suppose it would make my life easier. You know what? I'll give it a try. Thanks, Brian.
- Brian Griffin: No problem. Uh, a-a-any other problems you have, too, like, for example, ar-around your underpants that you want me to take a look at, I can... I can take a look at-a-at that, too.
- Lois Griffin: Huh?
- Brian Griffin: Please pull down your underpants.
- Joan the Maid: Hi, I'm Joan. I'm, uh, your maid for the week.
- Peter Griffin: [loudly as if she doesn't understand] Me Peter. You maid.
- Joan the Maid: Um, I do speak English.
- Peter Griffin: You maid clean for me, Peter. You clean Peter mess.
- Lois Griffin: Peter, stop it.
- Stewie Griffin: All right, whip 'em out, woman. It's time for the afternoon meal.
- Lois Griffin: My goodness, Stewie. I guess you're hungry.
- [opening her shirt, he begins to suck on her nipple]
- Lois Griffin: Honey, not so rough this time. Mommy's very sore.
- Stewie Griffin: And by the way, let's be clear. I only like you as a friend.
- Lois Griffin: I know it's different than you're used to, but you'll see. It's just as good.
- Stewie Griffin: Yes, that's what we were promised about Jim Belushi some 25 laugh-free years ago.