Dan Castellaneta: Homer Simpson • Mayor Quimby • Blue-Haired Lawyer • ...
Homer Goes to College
The Simpsons
Dan Castellaneta credited as playing...
Homer Simpson • Mayor Quimby • Blue-Haired Lawyer • Admissions Officer • Grampa • Student #2 • Construction Manager • Doug • Itchy • Krusty the Clown
- Bart Simpson: Well, Pop, what are you gonna do?
- Homer Simpson: Something I should have done a long time ago!
- [long pause]
- Marge Simpson: You don't know, do you?
- Homer Simpson: No ma'am.
- Homer: Guys, I'm sorry I got you expelled.
- Benjamin: Don't worry, Mr. Simpson. We can take care of ourselves.
- [the nerds take two steps, and Snake jumps out of the bushes]
- Snake: Uhh, wallet inspector.
- Carl: Okay. Here you go. I believe that's all in order.
- [all nerds hand him their wallets]
- Snake: Oh, I can't believe that worked!
- [runs away]
- Homer: Wait a minute. That's not the wallet inspector...
- [prank calling Dean Peterson]
- Homer: Hello, Dean? You're a stupidhead.
- Dean Peterson: Homer, is that you?
- [looks out window, sees Homer on a pay phone across the street]
- Homer: [looks up, sees the Dean] AAH!
- [runs away]
- Nuclear Physics Professor: Welcome to Nuclear Physics 101. I see a lot of new faces, but you know the old saying: out with the old, in with new-cleus.
- [everyone in the class laughs except for Homer, who looks around in confusion]
- Nuclear Physics Professor: Now, we'll begin by... whoops.
- [the professor drops his notecards. Homer starts laughing hysterically]
- Homer: Oh, did you see that jerk?
- [Homer continues laughing]
- Homer: Dropped his notes!
- [Homer howls with laughter]
- Inspector #2: [on Homer's performance in a test exercise] I'm still not sure how he caused the meltdown. There wasn't any nuclear material in the truck!
- Mr. Burns: Oh, very well. It's time for your bribe.
- [a curtain pulls back, revealing a washing machine and dryer which Smithers gestures to]
- Mr. Burns: Now, you can either have the washer and dryer where the lovely Smithers is standing...
- [pulls out a cardboard box covered with stylized question marks sketched onto it]
- Mr. Burns: Or, you can trade it all in for... what's in this box.
- Inspector #2: The box, the box!
- Inspector #1: Look, Burns. This is a big problem. You can't just throw money at it and make it go away!
- [Mayor Quimby appears, wearing a large fur coat that still has a $5,000 price tag attached to it]
- Mayor Quimby: Gentlemen, I've decided there will be, uh, no investigation, now if you'll excuse me, I'll go away.
- Bart Simpson: Dad, start digging some nerd holes!
- Lisa Simpson: It's bad enough they put their retainers in the dishwasher; can't we do something?
- Homer Simpson: Look, I'm sure we can work something out where we can all live in harmony, right, Marge?
- Marge Simpson: No, I want those geeks outta my house!
- [as the nerds move into the Simpson home]
- Marge Simpson: Mmm...
- Homer: Marge, they don't anywhere else to stay. And they're geniuses! They'll solve all our problems! They'll elevate us to the status of kings on earth!
- Benjamin: Mr. Simpson, we all have nosebleeds.
- Marge Simpson: Oh, for the love of...!
- [Homer is sitting in a nuclear inspection van]
- Inspector #2: Homer, this is an exact replica of your work station.
- Homer: Hm?
- Inspector #2: Now, we're going to simulate a power surge in core sector eight.
- Homer: What the hell are you talking about?
- [the inspectors slam the door of the van shut, and slide open a peephole to watch Homer]
- Homer: [breaking down] What do I do? What do I do? In the name of God, you've gotta tell me!
- Inspector #2: Relax! It's just a simulator. Nothing can go wrong.
- Homer: [to himself] Just poke blindly at the controls until they let you go.
- [he shields his eyes and pushes random buttons, causing the van to shake violently and have a meltdown]
- Inspector #2: No, no! This... can't be happening!
- [Homer has made up the bedroom to look like a stereotypical college bedroom, including making a bookcase with six cinder blocks]
- Marge Simpson: Homer, we have a perfectly good bookcase.
- Homer Simpson: Yeah, but this is what they're doing on campus. Besides, it isn't costing us. I swiped the cinder blocks from a construction site.
- [meanwhile, at a construction site with a sign reading "FUTURE SITE OF CHILDREN'S HOSPITAL", a worker sadly approaches the construction manager]
- Construction Worker: Sir, six cinder blocks are missin'.
- Construction Manager: [mournfully rolls up the blueprints] There'll be no hospital then; I'll tell the children.
- Lisa Simpson: Dad, don't let these application essays throw you. Let's see: "List your three favorite books and how they've influenced your life".
- Homer Simpson: Is "TV Guide" a book?
- Lisa Simpson: No.
- Homer Simpson: "Son of Sniglet"?
- Lisa Simpson: No.
- Homer Simpson: Katherine Hepburn's "Me"?
- Lisa Simpson: No!
- Homer Simpson: Oh, I suck!
- Marge Simpson: Homey, here the responses from the colleges you applied to.
- Homer Simpson: D'oh! D'oh! D'oh! Whoo-hoo! A flyer for a hardware store! D'oh!
- Homer: Dean, I'm really sorry about the running-you-over prank.
- Dean Peterson: Prank?
- Homer: And all those other pranks were my idea, too. *I'm* the one who should be expelled.
- Dean Peterson: Well, I'm touched by your honesty. And, who knows, perhaps I've been a bit of an ogre myself.
- Homer: Yes you have.
- Bart Simpson: [Bart and Lisa holds hands before the TV, as they're about to watch Scratchy getting Itchy for the first time ever] My purpose in life is to witness this moment
- Benjamin: [Benjamin unplugs the TV as Lisa and Bart start screaming in despair] I need the outline for the rock tumbler
- Lisa Simpson, Bart Simpson: Plug it in! Plug it in!
- Benjamin: What, the rock tumbler or the TV?
- Lisa Simpson, Bart Simpson: The TV! The TV!
- [Benjamin plugs the TV again and Itchy and Stratchy is already over]
- Krusty the Clown: Woah! They'll never let us show that again! Not in a million years!
- [Bart and Lisa scream]