Dan Castellaneta credited as playing...
Homer Simpson • Marty • Grampa • Barney Gumble • Johnny • Itchy • Krusty the Clown • Sideshow Mel • Homer's Conscience • Rex • Robert Frost • Bill Clinton • Groundskeeper Willie • 'William Henry Harrison' • Police Voice • Black Weasel
- [Chief Wiggum pulls over Homer]
- Homer: Something wrong, Officer?
- Chief Wiggum: Yep, got a taillight out.
- Homer: Where?
- Chief Wiggum: [strikes Homer's taillight with his baton] Right there.
- Homer: You know, one day, honest citizens are gonna stand up to you crooked cops.
- Chief Wiggum: [nervously] They are? Oh, no! Have they set a date?
- [on the radio]
- Radio Announcer #1: Doin' the Monster Mash with ya on this beautiful Valentine's Day.
- Radio Announcer #2: Marty, why did you play that song today? There must be thousands of love songs.
- Radio Announcer #1: Well, it's kind of a love song. All the monsters enjoying each other's company, dancing, holding their evil in check.
- Radio Announcer #2: You played the wrong record, didn't you?
- Radio Announcer #1: Why are you doing this to me?
- Milhouse Van Houten: [as Lincoln] I thought that Civil War would never end. Now to soothe my head with an evening at Ford's Theater.
- [doors behind him are kicked open]
- Milhouse Van Houten: Oh, no! John Wilkes Booth!
- Bart: [wearing Terminator sunglasses and carrying a Nerf gun; a la Schwarzenegger] Hasta la vista, Abey.
- [instead of following the historical script, Milhouse leaps on Bart, and they struggle for the gun]
- Homer: Come on, boy - finish him off!
- Bart: [backstage, the children scream and run as Bart stalks them with his Nerf gun] You're next, Chester A. Arthur!
- [He opens fire with ping-pong balls, before Ms. Hoover grabs him]
- Bart: [normal voice] Unhand me, Yankee!
- Krusty the Klown: Is this your girlfriend, Ralph?
- Ralph Wiggum: Yes, she is. I love Lisa Simpson, and when I grow up I'm going to marry her.
- Lisa: [erupting] Noooooooooooooooooooooooo! Now you listen to me! I don't like you, I never liked you, and the only reason I gave you that stupid valentine is because nobody else would!
- [At breakfast, Marge puts a plate with the food spelling out "I Love You" in front of Homer]
- Marge Simpson: And this is for my huggy-bug, in honor of this special day.
- Homer: [thinking] Special day! Oh, what have I forgotten now? Now, don't panic. Is it Bacon Day? No, that's crazy talk!
- [Marge's smile fades]
- Homer: [thinking] She's getting impatient, take a stab at it!
- Homer: [aloud] Happy... Valentine's Day!
- Marge Simpson: Oh, thank you, dear.
- [kisses him]
- Homer: Woo hoo!
- Krusty the Klown: Hey, kids! Don't forget to watch my 29th Anniversary Show, featuring clips like this one of Sideshow Mel, whacked out on wowie sauce!
- Sideshow Mel: [drunk] Everyone's always kissing your ass! Well, I'm not afraid to tell you, you're a...
- [beep]
- [towards the end of the President's Day pageant]
- Principal Skinner: And now our evening comes to an end...
- Homer: Woo hoo!
- Principal Skinner: ...with a thorough retelling of the life of George Washington.
- Homer: D'oh!
- Groundskeeper Willie: [choked up] I did not cry when me own father was hung for stealing a pig, but I'll cry now.
- Krusty the Clown: Now for my favorite part of the show!
- [tries to read cue cards]
- Krusty the Clown: What's that say?
- [the cards are moved closer]
- Krusty the Clown: Talk to the audience? Oh, God, this is always death.
- Homer: Apu, you gotta help me! I need a Valentine's gift for my wife!
- Apu: Perhaps this might be appropriate?
- [Apu takes out a box of chocolates in a heart-shaped box]
- Homer: Yes! You saved my life. How much?
- Apu: One hundred dollars.
- Homer: *What*? That's highway robbery, I won't pay it!
- Apu: Oh, I think you will.
- Homer: Forget it, pal!
- [Homer starts to leave the store, Apu hums peacefully]
- Homer: All right!
- [slaps the money on the counter]
- Homer: But I'll never shop here again!
- Apu: [thinking] If he discovers the discount supermarket next door, all is lost.
- Apu: [aloud] Nickel off on expired baby food.
- Homer: Sold!
- [last lines; on the radio]
- Radio Announcer #2: Hey, hey! Bill and Marty here wrapping up a beautiful Presidents' Day.
- Radio Announcer #1: To George and Abe and all the rest, here's a special song just for you.
- [starts playing "Monster Mash"]
- Radio Announcer #1: Doggone it!
- Principal Skinner: Good evening, everyone, and welcome to a wonderful evening of theater and picking up after yourselves. We begin with a tribute to our lesser-known Presidents.
- Mediocre Presidents: [group of students singing] We are the mediocre Presidents. You won't find our faces on dollars or on cents. There's Taylor. There's Tyler. There's Fillmore and there's Hayes. There's William Henry Harrison.
- William Henry Harrison: I died in thirty days!
- Mediocre Presidents: [singing] We are the adequate, forgettable, occasionally regrettable, caretaker Presidents of the U.S.A.!
- Krusty the Klown: Ah, let's look at some clips...
- [black-and-white segment showing Robert Frost reading "Stopping By Woods On A Snowy Evening."]
- Robert Frost: "He will not see me stopping here, to watch his woods fill up with snow..."
- Krusty the Klown: Hey, Frosty! You want some snow, man?
- [He pulls a bellrope, and an avalanche of fake snow is dumped on Frost]
- Robert Frost: [same meter] We discussed this, and I said "no."
- Marge: What do you say to a boy to let him know you're not interested?
- Marge: Well, honey...
- Homer: Let me handle this, Marge. I've heard 'em all.
- [ticking off on his fingers]
- Homer: "I like you as a friend", "I think we should see other people", "I no speak English"...
- Lisa: I get the idea.
- Homer: "I'm married to the sea", "I don't want to kill you, but I will"...
- Marge: Honey! Lisa, I'd tell this boy you're flattered, but you're just not ready for this sort of thing.
- Lisa: Thanks, Mom.
- Homer: And if that doesn't work- six simple words: "I'm not gay but I'll learn."
- Lisa: Dad, is it right to take things from people you don't like?
- Homer: Sure, it is, honey. You do mean stealing, don't you?
- Lisa: Well, actually, it's not as bad as stealing, but my conscience is bothering me.
- Homer: Your conscience? Lisa, don't let that pushy little weenie tell you what to do.
- Homer's Conscience: Homer, that's a terrible thing to say.
- Homer: Oh, shut up.
- Homer's Conscience: Yes, sir.