Dan Castellaneta credited as playing...
Homer Simpson • Grampa • Krusty the Clown • Estonian Dwarf • Mayor Quimby • Hans Moleman • Itchy • Michael Caine • Lee Majors
- [Mr. Burns shows Bart "CCTV" footage of the Simpsons to prove that they no longer love him]
- Actor Homer: [stilted] I do not miss Bart at all.
- Actress Marge: I am glad he's gone.
- Actor Lisa: As am I.
- Actor Homer: [drops sandwich] B'oh!
- Bart: It's probably my imagination, but something about them didn't seem quite right.
- Mr. Burns: Really? Excuse me for just a moment.
- [Mr. Burns walks from the control room out into a studio where cameras have been set up along with a fake living room of the Simpsons' place]
- Mr. Burns: [clapping for attention] People, that was all wrong! Homer Simpson doesn't say "B'oh", he says...
- [checks script]
- Mr. Burns: "D'oh!"
- ["Marge" and "Homer" take off their rubber masks to reveal a cigarette-smoking actress and someone who looks suspiciously like Michael Caine]
- Michael Caine: Sorry, M.B., but I'm having trouble with this character. Is he supposed to have some sort of neurological impairment, like "Rain Man" or "Awakenings"? I mean, what the hell am I doin' here?
- Actress: And this dialogue has none of the wit and sparkle of "Murphy Brown".
- ["Lisa" pulls off her mask to reveal a cigar-smoking, male Estonian Dwarf]
- Estonian Dwarf: Hey, you know we're getting into golden time?
- Mr. Burns: Yes, well, do it right, or you'll all go back to doing "Come Blow Your Horn" at the Westport Dinner Theater.
- [the actors collectively groan as Mr. Burns returns to the control room]
- Mr. Burns: [to Bart] Alright, then. Let's see what the Simpson family is up to, now.
- [turns the monitor back on to show the "family"]
- Actor Homer: [drops sandwich again] Duh-oh!
- Bart: [sadly] Hmm. That's them, alright.
- Homer: [attempting to get Bart out of Burns' mansion] Or what? You'll release the dogs, or the bees? Or the dogs with bees in their mouths and when they bark, they shoot bees at you? Well, go ahead! Do your worst!
- Deprogrammer: Mr. and Mrs. Simpson, your son has clearly been brainwashed by the evil and charismatic Mr. Burns.
- Marge Simpson: Are you sure you can get him back for us?
- Deprogrammer: Absolutely. I'm the one who successfully deprogrammed Jane Fonda, you know.
- Marge Simpson: What about Peter Fonda?
- Deprogrammer: Oh, that was a heartbreaker. But I did get Paul McCartney out of Wings.
- Homer: You idiot! He was the most talented one.
- Lisa Simpson: Hey! Mom, Bart's throwing peas!
- Marge Simpson: Bart, don't throw peas at your sister.
- Bart: Mr. Burns throws peas at Smithers.
- [Throws another pea at Lisa]
- Lisa Simpson: Ow! That was a big one!
- Marge Simpson: Homer, say something.
- Homer: Okay. Lisa, quit getting in the way of your wealthy brother's peas.
- Bart: [Groans] Oh, yuck. Meat loaf. My most hated of all loafs.
- [Gives it to Santa's Little Helper]
- Homer: [Gasps] That was the end piece! That's it! Being abusive to your family is one thing... but I will not stand idly by and watch you feed a hungry dog! Go to your room!
- Bart: No! This family stinks! Mr. Burns nurtures my destructive side. I'm suffocating here.
- Homer: Bart, you listen!
- Bart: Oh, go eat some flowers!
- [Throws a bunch of flower at Homer]
- Homer: [Screams] My secret shame.
- [Marge fantasizes about Bart graduating from Harvard; at the commencement, Lee Majors appears next to her in the crowd]
- Lee Majors: Hello Marge, I'm Lee Majors. Will you come away with me?
- Marge Simpson: Uh... sure.
- [Lee takes her in his arms, and they lift off into the sky, accompanied by a sound effect from "The Six Million Dollar Man."]
- Marge Simpson: [opens her eyes] I've got to stop fantasizing about Lee Majors... oh, one more.
- [She closes her eyes, and the sound effect is heard again]
- Bart Simpson: Um... I think I'd like to go home.
- Mr. Burns: If you stay, you can have anything you want to eat, even some sort of gelatin dish. It's made from hooves, you know.
- Bart Simpson: Okay... I want pizza. And I want it served by Krusty the Clown!
- [Time passes. Krusty bursts into the room in a sweatband and shorts holding Bart's pizza]
- Krusty: Hey-hey! It's Krusty the Pizza Man!
- [does his laugh as he hands the pizza to Bart; he then turns to Burns]
- Krusty: All right, where's my 400 bucks?
- Bart Simpson: Hey, wait. How can you be here when your show's on live?
- Krusty: Ah, I just threw on an old rerun. No one will know the difference.
- [cuts to an episode of "Krusty the Clown" with Krusty juggling to happy clown music. He is then handed a piece of paper from an off-screen crew member]
- Krusty: [addressing the audience] Children, remain calm. The Falkland Islands have just been invaded. I repeat, the Falklands have just been invaded!
- [pulls down a map of the Falklands]
- Krusty: The disputed islands lie here, off the coast of Argentina.
- [At Burns' mansion, Krusty groans]