Dan Castellaneta: Homer Simpson • Grampa

Mountain of Madness

Homer Simpson • Grampa

Bart Simpson: Sharing is a bunch of bull, too. And helping others. And what's all this crap I've been hearing about tolerance?
Homer Simpson: Hmm. Your ideas are intriguing to me and I wish to subscribe to your newsletter, but I think we have to go to the retreat anyway.

Homer Simpson: You know, Mr. Burns, you're the richest guy I know. Way richer than Lenny.
C. Montgomery Burns: Yes, but I'd trade it all for a little more.

Homer Simpson: [praying] Dear Lord, protect this rocket house and all those who dwell within the rocket house.

C. Montgomery Burns: Is it *supposed* to take this long? What's a good time for a mass evacuation of the entire plant?
Waylon Smithers: 45 seconds.
C. Montgomery Burns: And what's our time so far?
Waylon Smithers: I don't know, sir. This stopwatch only goes up to fifteen minutes.
C. Montgomery Burns: Damn nation! What kind of slowcoaches do I have working for me?
[Homer exits and barricades the door]
C. Montgomery Burns: Ah, there's one of our fellows now.
Homer Simpson: I think I won, Mr. Burns.
C. Montgomery Burns: [sinisterly] Yes, you won, all right. You won more than you bargained for.
Homer Simpson: Whoo-hoo!

Homer Simpson: So, Burns is gonna make us all go on a stupid corporate retreat up in the mountains to learn about "teamwork". Which means we'll have to cancel our plans to hang around here.
Bart Simpson: Teamwork is overrated.
Homer Simpson: Huh?
Bart Simpson: Think about it. I mean, what "team" was Babe Ruth on? Who knows?
Marge Simpson, Lisa Simpson: Yankees.

[Mr. Burns and Homer arrive at a snowy cabin]
C. Montgomery Burns: Well, we have several hours before the others arrive. What say we get comfy?
[flicks the switch on a fuse box]
C. Montgomery Burns: Now we have electricity.
[turns on a propane tank]
C. Montgomery Burns: This propane tank will supply us with heat.
[approaches the door]
C. Montgomery Burns: And this doorknob, properly turned, will allow us access to the cabin.
[goes inside, followed by Homer]
Homer Simpson: No going through the window for us!
[closes the door]

[Homer and Mr. Burns have built snowmen and dressed them in their clothes; they stand in their underwear and draped in curtains, facing the snowmen]
C. Montgomery Burns: Look at them, warm and snug in their finery... mocking us.
Homer Simpson: They're just snowmen, Mr. Burns.
C. Montgomery Burns: Ah, but snowmen have peepers. Peepers to watch. To watch for a moment of weakness, then baff! Comes the knock on the head, then we're down!
Homer Simpson: What do we do?
C. Montgomery Burns: Oh, wouldn't *you* like to know?
[Homer's eyes widen in fear]

C. Montgomery Burns: What a disgraceful display. I've seen more orderly behavior in a Ritz Brothers film. You all need a serious lesson in teamwork.
Carl Carlson: [jabbing his thumb at Lenny] Well, maybe he does, but I don't.
Lenny Leonard: Hey, you take that back.
Carl Carlson: No, you take that back!
[they start fist-fighting]
Homer Simpson: Hit him, Carl! You too, Lenny!

[Homer and Mr. Burns sit on opposite sides of the cabin, glaring into each other's eyes]
C. Montgomery Burns: [thinking] I'm trapped with a madman. Look at him, staring into me, filling my mind with paranoid thoughts.
Homer Simpson: [thinking] Oh, look at his eyes. He's trying to hypnotise me, but not in the good, Las Vegas way.
C. Montgomery Burns: [gasps] I know what he's up to. He's thinking of killing me, then riding my carcass down the mountain to safety. He's truly gone mad if he's thinking that. Well, he can't kill me if I kill him first!
[grabs a fireplace poker as they both stand up]
C. Montgomery Burns: I'll kill you, you bloated museum of treachery!
Homer Simpson: You and what army?
[six ghostly snowman soldiers appear behind Mr. Burns]

C. Montgomery Burns: We must be covered by a thousand feet of snow.
Homer Simpson: It could be *days* before they find us!
C. Montgomery Burns: No books, no radio, no board games... Ah! A Bazooka Joe comic!
[scoffs]
C. Montgomery Burns: I heard that one 75 years ago.
Homer Simpson: We could build snowmen.
C. Montgomery Burns: No, I have a better idea. We could build *real* men *out of* snow.
Homer Simpson: Oh... OK?

[Homer and Mr. Burns sit down low in chairs with their feet upon the table]
C. Montgomery Burns: [sighs deeply] The only hard part... is getting up.
Homer Simpson: [chuckles] Why get up? Here's a move I've been tinkering with.
[points to the other end of the table]
Homer Simpson: Say I want that bowl of dip.
C. Montgomery Burns: Why, you'd have to get up!
Homer Simpson: Oh?
[Homer kicks down on the table, causing the bowl of dip to move towards him until he catches it in his open palm]
C. Montgomery Burns: [very impressed] Sir! I am in your debt.
Homer Simpson: Use it wisely, my friend.
[they toast their champagne glasses; the sound echoes and accidentally causes an avalanche, trapping them inside the cabin]

Waylon Smithers: Each two-man team will work its way through the wilderness to a cabin hidden somewhere on this mountain. The routes are treacherous, so use your maps.
Homer Simpson: [raises his right hand] Uh, I lost my map.
Waylon Smithers: You haven't been issued a map yet. When you arrive at the cabin, there will be a congratulatory party with sandwiches and moderately priced champagne!
[everybody applauds]
C. Montgomery Burns: Now, as an added incentive, the second to last team to arrive at the cabin will receive an hilarious "World's Worst Employee" trophy.
Homer Simpson: Hey, this sounds like fun.
C. Montgomery Burns: And the last team to arrive will be fired.
Homer Simpson: Heh-heh, uh-oh.
C. Montgomery Burns: And to show that I'm not playing favourites, both Smithers and I will be participating. Who knows? *I* might be the unlucky one who gets fired.
[quietly, to himself]
C. Montgomery Burns: Not bloody likely.

C. Montgomery Burns: Did you bring your family, Simpson?
Homer Simpson: Er, yes, sir. I thought I was *supposed* to.
C. Montgomery Burns: Imbecile! Simpson, your family will have to remain here!
Lisa Simpson: Aww!
Bart Simpson: Oh, man!
Marge Simpson: Don't worry, kids. This is a national park. We can have *lots* of fun!
Mountain Ranger: I'm afraid that's no longer true, ma'am. Budget cutbacks have forced us to eliminate anything the *least* bit entertaining.
[pauses]
Mountain Ranger: Well... uh, see ya.
[leaves]