Harry Shearer credited as playing...
Smithers • Mr. Burns • Lenny
- Lenny Leonard: Did you hear something?
- Carl Carlson: No.
- Lenny Leonard: Hmm. Did I?
- Carl Carlson: I don't know!
- Homer Simpson: You know, Mr. Burns, you're the richest guy I know. Way richer than Lenny.
- C. Montgomery Burns: Yes, but I'd trade it all for a little more.
- Waylon Smithers: Sir, this can't be right. You assured me this drawing was rigged so we'd be teammates.
- C. Montgomery Burns: Yes, well, frankly you've been a bit of a pill lately.
- Waylon Smithers: Why do we always fight on vacation?
- Carl Carlson: According to the map, the cabin should be right here.
- Lenny Leonard: Hey, maybe there is no cabin. Maybe it's one of them, uh, metaphorical things.
- Carl Carlson: Oh yeah, yeah. Like, maybe the cabin is the place inside each of us created by our goodwill and teamwork.
- Lenny Leonard: Oh.
- [disappointed]
- Lenny Leonard: They said there'd be sandwiches.
- Lisa Simpson: Mr. Smithers! Mister Smithers! I found another hurt shrew. I think this one has a twisted ankle.
- Waylon Smithers: Agh, twisted ank-- Aren't there any *healthy* animals in this forest?
- C. Montgomery Burns: Is it *supposed* to take this long? What's a good time for a mass evacuation of the entire plant?
- Waylon Smithers: 45 seconds.
- C. Montgomery Burns: And what's our time so far?
- Waylon Smithers: I don't know, sir. This stopwatch only goes up to fifteen minutes.
- C. Montgomery Burns: Damn nation! What kind of slowcoaches do I have working for me?
- [Homer exits and barricades the door]
- C. Montgomery Burns: Ah, there's one of our fellows now.
- Homer Simpson: I think I won, Mr. Burns.
- C. Montgomery Burns: [sinisterly] Yes, you won, all right. You won more than you bargained for.
- Homer Simpson: Whoo-hoo!
- [Mr. Burns and Homer arrive at a snowy cabin]
- C. Montgomery Burns: Well, we have several hours before the others arrive. What say we get comfy?
- [flicks the switch on a fuse box]
- C. Montgomery Burns: Now we have electricity.
- [turns on a propane tank]
- C. Montgomery Burns: This propane tank will supply us with heat.
- [approaches the door]
- C. Montgomery Burns: And this doorknob, properly turned, will allow us access to the cabin.
- [goes inside, followed by Homer]
- Homer Simpson: No going through the window for us!
- [closes the door]
- [Homer and Mr. Burns have built snowmen and dressed them in their clothes; they stand in their underwear and draped in curtains, facing the snowmen]
- C. Montgomery Burns: Look at them, warm and snug in their finery... mocking us.
- Homer Simpson: They're just snowmen, Mr. Burns.
- C. Montgomery Burns: Ah, but snowmen have peepers. Peepers to watch. To watch for a moment of weakness, then baff! Comes the knock on the head, then we're down!
- Homer Simpson: What do we do?
- C. Montgomery Burns: Oh, wouldn't *you* like to know?
- [Homer's eyes widen in fear]
- C. Montgomery Burns: Smithers, we need some excitement around here!
- Waylon Smithers: Chinese checkers or domestic, sir?
- C. Montgomery Burns: What a disgraceful display. I've seen more orderly behavior in a Ritz Brothers film. You all need a serious lesson in teamwork.
- Carl Carlson: [jabbing his thumb at Lenny] Well, maybe he does, but I don't.
- Lenny Leonard: Hey, you take that back.
- Carl Carlson: No, you take that back!
- [they start fist-fighting]
- Homer Simpson: Hit him, Carl! You too, Lenny!
- Waylon Smithers: [trekking the mountain alone] How could you do this to me, Mr. Burns, after all I've done for you? Why, if you were here, I'd kick you right in your bony, old behind!
- ['Bony, old behind' echoes through the mountain range]
- C. Montgomery Burns: [to Homer] Why, thank you, Simpson! I have been watching my figure.
- Waylon Smithers: [sarcastically] Oh, great! It's the Bobbsey Twins. Well, take your prying eyes elsewhere!
- [squats down to Bart and Lisa]
- Waylon Smithers: Oh, I'm sorry. It hasn't been a good day. If I don't get to the top of the mountain real soon, I could get fired.
- Lisa Simpson: We'll help you!
- Bart Simpson: I have a watch with a minute hand.
- Waylon Smithers: [stands back up] Ugh. All right, you can come. What time *is* it?
- Bart Simpson: 12:80. No, wait... wait. What... what comes after twelve?
- Waylon Smithers: One.
- Bart Simpson: No, *after* twelve!
- Waylon Smithers: [disgustedly] Uggghhh!
- [Homer and Mr. Burns sit on opposite sides of the cabin, glaring into each other's eyes]
- C. Montgomery Burns: [thinking] I'm trapped with a madman. Look at him, staring into me, filling my mind with paranoid thoughts.
- Homer Simpson: [thinking] Oh, look at his eyes. He's trying to hypnotise me, but not in the good, Las Vegas way.
- C. Montgomery Burns: [gasps] I know what he's up to. He's thinking of killing me, then riding my carcass down the mountain to safety. He's truly gone mad if he's thinking that. Well, he can't kill me if I kill him first!
- [grabs a fireplace poker as they both stand up]
- C. Montgomery Burns: I'll kill you, you bloated museum of treachery!
- Homer Simpson: You and what army?
- [six ghostly snowman soldiers appear behind Mr. Burns]
- C. Montgomery Burns: We must be covered by a thousand feet of snow.
- Homer Simpson: It could be *days* before they find us!
- C. Montgomery Burns: No books, no radio, no board games... Ah! A Bazooka Joe comic!
- [scoffs]
- C. Montgomery Burns: I heard that one 75 years ago.
- Homer Simpson: We could build snowmen.
- C. Montgomery Burns: No, I have a better idea. We could build *real* men *out of* snow.
- Homer Simpson: Oh... OK?
- C. Montgomery Burns: We should... be... careful... not to speak... unless it's... absolutely... positively... necessary.
- [everyone is gathered around the fireplace; Lenny throws a moose head into the fire; Bart, Lisa and Smithers enter the cabin]
- Lisa Simpson: Mr. Smithers! Mr. Smithers! That moose is on fire!
- Waylon Smithers: [storms in angrily] Fine. Good. I don't care anymore. I'm the last one here. You kids cost me my job.
- Lenny Leonard: You ain't last, Mr. Smithers.
- Waylon Smithers: [sighs in relief] Thank goodness.
- Carl Carlson: Yeah, Burnsy and Homer never made it.
- Waylon Smithers: [looks out the window] Mr. Burns is still out there?
- Lisa Simpson: [gasps] What about our dad?
- [Homer and Mr. Burns sit down low in chairs with their feet upon the table]
- C. Montgomery Burns: [sighs deeply] The only hard part... is getting up.
- Homer Simpson: [chuckles] Why get up? Here's a move I've been tinkering with.
- [points to the other end of the table]
- Homer Simpson: Say I want that bowl of dip.
- C. Montgomery Burns: Why, you'd have to get up!
- Homer Simpson: Oh?
- [Homer kicks down on the table, causing the bowl of dip to move towards him until he catches it in his open palm]
- C. Montgomery Burns: [very impressed] Sir! I am in your debt.
- Homer Simpson: Use it wisely, my friend.
- [they toast their champagne glasses; the sound echoes and accidentally causes an avalanche, trapping them inside the cabin]
- Waylon Smithers: Each two-man team will work its way through the wilderness to a cabin hidden somewhere on this mountain. The routes are treacherous, so use your maps.
- Homer Simpson: [raises his right hand] Uh, I lost my map.
- Waylon Smithers: You haven't been issued a map yet. When you arrive at the cabin, there will be a congratulatory party with sandwiches and moderately priced champagne!
- [everybody applauds]
- C. Montgomery Burns: Now, as an added incentive, the second to last team to arrive at the cabin will receive an hilarious "World's Worst Employee" trophy.
- Homer Simpson: Hey, this sounds like fun.
- C. Montgomery Burns: And the last team to arrive will be fired.
- Homer Simpson: Heh-heh, uh-oh.
- C. Montgomery Burns: And to show that I'm not playing favourites, both Smithers and I will be participating. Who knows? *I* might be the unlucky one who gets fired.
- [quietly, to himself]
- C. Montgomery Burns: Not bloody likely.
- C. Montgomery Burns: Did you bring your family, Simpson?
- Homer Simpson: Er, yes, sir. I thought I was *supposed* to.
- C. Montgomery Burns: Imbecile! Simpson, your family will have to remain here!
- Lisa Simpson: Aww!
- Bart Simpson: Oh, man!
- Marge Simpson: Don't worry, kids. This is a national park. We can have *lots* of fun!
- Mountain Ranger: I'm afraid that's no longer true, ma'am. Budget cutbacks have forced us to eliminate anything the *least* bit entertaining.
- [pauses]
- Mountain Ranger: Well... uh, see ya.
- [leaves]