Karl Urban credited as playing...
Bones
- Leonard 'Bones' McCoy: Are you actually suggesting they're from the future?
- Spock: If you eliminate the impossible, whatever remains, however improbable, must be the truth.
- Leonard 'Bones' McCoy: How poetic.
- Leonard 'Bones' McCoy: Permission to speak freely, sir?
- Spock: I welcome it.
- Leonard 'Bones' McCoy: Do you? OK, then. Are you out of your Vulcan mind? Are you making a logical choice, sending Kirk away? Probably. But, the right one? You know, back home we have a saying: "If you're gonna ride in the Kentucky Derby, you don't leave your prize stallion in the stable."
- Spock: A curious metaphor, doctor, as a stallion must first be broken before it can reach its potential.
- Leonard 'Bones' McCoy: My God, man, you could at least ACT like it was a hard decision.
- Spock: I intend to assist in the effort to reestablish communication with Starfleet. However, if crew morale is better served by my roaming the halls weeping, I will gladly defer to your medical expertise. Excuse me.
- Leonard 'Bones' McCoy: [as Spock leaves] Green-blooded hobgoblin.
- Leonard 'Bones' McCoy: I may throw up on ya.
- James T. Kirk: I think these things are pretty safe.
- Leonard 'Bones' McCoy: Don't pander to me, kid. One tiny crack in the hull and our blood boils in thirteen seconds. Solar flare might crop up, cook us in our seats. And wait'll you're sitting pretty with a case of Andorian shingles, see if you're still so relaxed when your eyeballs are bleeding. Space is disease and danger wrapped in darkness and silence.
- James T. Kirk: Well, I hate to break this to you, but Starfleet operates in space.
- Leonard 'Bones' McCoy: Yeah. Well, I got nowhere else to go. The ex-wife took the whole damn planet in the divorce. All I got left is my bones.
- Leonard 'Bones' McCoy: How the hell did they do that, by the way? And where did the Romulans get that kind of weaponry?
- Spock: The engineering comprehension necessary to artificially create a black hole may suggest an answer. Such technology could theoretically be manipulated to create a tunnel through space-time.
- Leonard 'Bones' McCoy: Damn it man, I am a doctor, not a physicist!
- James T. Kirk: [on Spock] Who was that pointy-eared bastard?
- Leonard 'Bones' McCoy: I don't know, but I like him.
- Leonard 'Bones' McCoy: Well, congratulations, Jim. We've got no captain and no god-damned first officer to replace him.
- Kirk: Yeah, we do.
- [Kirk sits himself into the captain's chair]
- Leonard 'Bones' McCoy: What?
- Hikaru Sulu: Pike made him first officer.
- Leonard 'Bones' McCoy: You gotta be kidding me!
- Kirk: Thanks for the support.
- Lt. Nyota Uhura: I sure hope you know what you're doing...
- Lt. Nyota Uhura: [sarcastically] ... CAPTAIN.
- Kirk: So do I.
- Lt. Nyota Uhura: [During the Kobayashi Maru test] We are receiving a distress signal from the U.S.S. Kobayashi Maru. The ship has lost power and is stranded. Starfleet Command has ordered us to rescue them.
- James T. Kirk: [clearly enjoying himself] "Starfleet Command has ordered us to rescue them... CAPTAIN."
- Leonard 'Bones' McCoy: [rolls his eyes] Two Klingon vessels have entered the Neutral Zone and are locking weapons on us.
- James T. Kirk: [Smugly] That's okay.
- Leonard 'Bones' McCoy: "That's okay?"
- James T. Kirk: Yeah, don't worry about it.
- Test Administrator: Did he say "Don't worry about it?"
- Test Administrator: Is he not taking the simulation seriously?
- Spock: [on intercom] Dr Puri, report.
- Leonard 'Bones' McCoy: It's McCoy. Dr. Puri was on Deck 6. He's dead.
- Spock: Then you have just inherited his responsibility as Chief Medical Officer.
- [McCoy looks at a burning medical room full of casualties from the attack]
- Leonard 'Bones' McCoy: Yeah, tell me something I DON'T know!
- James T. Kirk: [still suffering from the vaccine] My mouth is itchy. Is that normal?
- Leonard 'Bones' McCoy: Well, those symptoms won't last long. I'm going to give you a mild sedative.
- James T. Kirk: Oh, I wish I didn't know you.
- Leonard 'Bones' McCoy: Don't be such an infant.
- [He jabs Kirk with a hypodermic needle]
- James T. Kirk: OWW! How long's it supposed to...
- [he suddenly collapses on the bed]
- Leonard 'Bones' McCoy: [Shaking his head] Unbelievable.
- Flight Officer: You need a doctor.
- Leonard 'Bones' McCoy: I told you people I don't need a doctor, dammit - I AM a doctor!
- Flight Officer: You need to get back to your seat.
- Leonard 'Bones' McCoy: I had one. In the bathroom with no windows.
- Flight Officer: You need to get back in your seat, NOW.
- Leonard 'Bones' McCoy: I suffer from aviophobia - it means fear of dying in something that flies!
- Flight Officer: Sir, for your own safety, sit down or else I'll make you sit down!
- Leonard 'Bones' McCoy: Wait a minute, kid. How old are you?
- Pavel Chekov: Seventeen, sir.
- Leonard 'Bones' McCoy: Oh... oh, good, he's seventeen.
- Spock: Doctor... Mr. Chekov is correct.
- Kirk: [highly agitated and suffering side effects from McCoy hypospray] Uhura! Uhura!
- Lt. Nyota Uhura: Kirk? What are you doing here?
- Kirk: The transmission from the Klingon prison planet. What exactly...
- Lt. Nyota Uhura: Oh, my God, what's wrong with your hands?
- Kirk: [waves off the question with his bloated hands] I-i-it's... Look, who is responsible for the attack...
- Lt. Nyota Uhura: What?
- Kirk: ...and was the ship walullaa?
- Lt. Nyota Uhura: And was the ship... WHAT?
- Kirk: [to McCoy] Whass happening to my mouth?
- Leonard 'Bones' McCoy: You got numb-tongue?
- Kirk: NUM-TUNG?
- Leonard 'Bones' McCoy: I can fix that!
- [hurries off to find another hypospray]
- Lt. Nyota Uhura: Was the ship what?
- Kirk: Womulan!
- Lt. Nyota Uhura: What? I...
- Kirk: WOMULAN!
- Lt. Nyota Uhura: Romulan?
- Kirk: Yeah!
- Lt. Nyota Uhura: Yes!
- Kirk: Yes?
- [Bones injects him with another hypospray]
- Kirk: ACK! ACK!
- [trying to say 'stop it']
- Kirk: STAHHMIT!
- James T. Kirk: What are you doing?
- Leonard 'Bones' McCoy: I'm doing you a favor. I couldn't just leave you there looking all pathetic. Take a seat. I'm gonna give you a vaccine against viral infection from Melvaren mud fleas.
- James T. Kirk: OW! What for?
- Leonard 'Bones' McCoy: To give you the symptoms.
- James T. Kirk: What are you talking about?
- Leonard 'Bones' McCoy: You're gonna start to lose vision in your left eye.
- James T. Kirk: Yeah, I already have.
- Leonard 'Bones' McCoy: Oh, and you're gonna get a really bad headache and a flop sweat.
- James T. Kirk: You call this a favor?
- Leonard 'Bones' McCoy: Yeah. You owe me one.
- James T. Kirk: Bones, doesn't it bother you that no one's ever passed the test?
- Leonard 'Bones' McCoy: Jim, it's the Kobayashi Maru. NO one passes the test, and no one goes back for seconds, let alone thirds.
- James T. Kirk: [leaving] I gotta study.
- Leonard 'Bones' McCoy: Study, my ass.
- Leonard 'Bones' McCoy: Three more Klingon warbirds decloaking and targeting our ship. I don't suppose this is a problem either.
- Simulator Tactical Officer: They're firing, Captain.
- James T. Kirk: Alert Medical Bay to prepare to receive ALL crew members from the damaged ship.
- Lt. Nyota Uhura: And how do you expect us to rescue them when we're surrounded by Klingons, Captain?
- James T. Kirk: [not taking anything or anyone seriously] Alert Medical
- Leonard 'Bones' McCoy: Our ship's being hit. Shields at sixty percent.
- James T. Kirk: [nonchalantly] I understand.
- Leonard 'Bones' McCoy: [exasperated] Well, should we - I dunno - fire back?
- James T. Kirk: [pulls an apple out of nowhere and starts munching] No.
- Leonard 'Bones' McCoy: Of COURSE not.
- [the entire simulation suddenly shuts down, then starts back up]
- Test Administrator: What is this? What's going on?
- James T. Kirk: Hm. Arm photons. Prepare to fire on the Klingon warbirds.
- Simulator Tactical Officer: Yessir.
- Leonard 'Bones' McCoy: Jim, their shields are still up!
- James T. Kirk: Are they?
- Leonard 'Bones' McCoy: [checks again] No... They're not.
- James T. Kirk: Fire on all enemy ships. One photon each should do. Let's not waste ammunition.
- Leonard 'Bones' McCoy: Target locked and acquired on all warbirds. Firing.
- [the simulation shows the birds being destroyed one by one]
- Simulator Tactical Officer: All ships destroyed, Captain.
- James T. Kirk: Begin rescue of the stranded crew.
- James T. Kirk: [grandstanding his victory] So! We've managed to eliminate all enemy ships, no one on board was injured AND the successful rescue of the Kobayashi Maru crew is... underway.
- [takes a large bite out of his apple]
- Security Officer: [McCoy is half-carrying a loopy Kirk after injecting him with a vaccine. Kirk is scanned] Kirk, James T. He is not cleared for duty aboard the Enterprise.
- Leonard 'Bones' McCoy: Medical code states "The treatment and transport of a patient is to be determined at the discretion of his attending physician" - which is me! - so I'm taking Mr. Kirk aboard, or would you like to explain to Captain Pike why the Enterprise warped into a crisis without one of its senior medical officers?
- Security Officer: As you were.
- Leonard 'Bones' McCoy: [irritably] As YOU were!
- Leonard 'Bones' McCoy: [to Kirk] Come on!
- [He drags Kirk onto the ship]
- Kirk: [Bolts out of bed suddenly from being sedated] Lightning storm!
- Leonard 'Bones' McCoy: Ah, Jim, you're awake. How do you feel?
- [He looks down, suddenly growing alarmed]
- Leonard 'Bones' McCoy: Good God, man!
- Kirk: What? AH!
- [He yelps and raises his hands, which are now twice their normal size]
- Kirk: What the hell's this?
- Leonard 'Bones' McCoy: A reaction to the vaccine, dammit! Nurse Chapel, I need 50 cc's of cortizone!
- Nurse Chapel: Yes, sir!
- [He starts scanning Kirk while Kirk replays Chekov's message]
- Pavel Chekov: [on the computer] ... appeared to be a lightning storm in space.
- Kirk: Bones! We gotta stop the ship!
- [He takes off running down the hall]
- Leonard 'Bones' McCoy: [running after him] Jim! I'm not kidding, you need to keep your heart rate down!
- [he fumbles through a first aid kit while Jim accesses another computer console]
- Kirk: Computer, locate crew member Uhura.
- Leonard 'Bones' McCoy: You know, I haven't seen a reaction this bad since med school!
- Kirk: We're flying into a trap!
- [He starts running again]
- Leonard 'Bones' McCoy: Dammit, Jim, stand still!
- [injects him yet again]
- Kirk: [yelps in pain] OW! STOP THAT!
- [he runs through the engine room, looking for Uhura]
- James T. Kirk: Where are we?
- Leonard 'Bones' McCoy: Medical Bay.
- James T. Kirk: This isn't worth it.
- Leonard 'Bones' McCoy: A little suffering's good for the soul.