Trey Parker credited as playing...
Stan Marsh • Eric Cartman • Mr. Mackey • TV Announcer • Doctor • Cesar Millan • Jimmy Valmer
- Eric Cartman: What the hell is this? Skinless chicken, boiled vegetables and salad? This is just like Auschwitz!
- [Stan, Kyle, Kenny and Butters are playing Monopoly at Stan's place when Cartman comes in]
- Eric Cartman: [gloomy] Hey guys, I've got some pretty big news.
- [sighs]
- Eric Cartman: I ran away from home.
- [the boys just keep on playing like nothing happened]
- Eric Cartman: Yeah, my Mom just doesn't care for me anymore, so I moved out. She didn't even try to stop me. It's gonna be tough living on my own. But I'll get by, somehow.
- Stan Marsh: [without looking up from the Monopoly board] You can't stay here.
- Eric Cartman: [angrily] Maybe you didn't hear me! I ran away! I don't have anywhere to sleep, I'm out on the streets!
- Kyle Broflovski: [also not looking up] You're not staying at my house either.
- Eric Cartman: All right, that's fine! Butters, I'll crash with you.
- Leopold 'Butters' Stotch: No, my parents won't let me bring homeless people home anymore.
- Eric Cartman: [angrily] Well, what do you guys expect me to do? Stay at Kenny's house? His family is totally poor, I'm not staying with poor people!
- [silence]
- Eric Cartman: All right, I'll stay with Kenny, let's go, man.
- Kenny McCormick: [muffled and not looking up either] Fuck you.
- Eric Cartman: Ha! Well, I guess now we see just how supportive friends can be! When the chips are down, you won't even lend a hand! I'll just go sleep on the streets somewhere, in the cold, probably get mugged and gang-raped by some minorities! You guys will be sorry when I turn up dead!
- [leaves]
- Leopold 'Butters' Stotch: [moves his pawn] Whoopee! J & R Railroad!
- Mr. Mackey: Mrs. Cartman, we have had it with your son's behaviour, m'kay? Little Billy Turner is now being treated at the hospital!
- Liane Cartman: Eric, why would you do such a thing?
- Eric Cartman: [insincere] I'm sorry I handcuffed Billy Turner's ankle to the school flagpole.
- Mr. Mackey: You know that's not the point.
- Eric Cartman: [rolls eyes] Okay, I'm sorry I handcuffed Billy Turner's ankle to a flagpole and then gave him a hacksaw. And then told him I had poisoned his lunch milk and that the only way he could get to the antidote in time would be to saw through his leg.
- Liane Cartman: Eric, that was very naughty.
- Eric Cartman: Well, he called me chubby!
- [Nanny Stella puts Eric on a stool]
- Nanny Stella: Whenever you are naughty, Eric, you're going to sit on this stool for five minutes.
- Eric Cartman: [looks around] And what exactly keeps me on the stool?
- Nanny Stella: It's the time-out stool, you can't get down until the time is up.
- [pause, then Cartman jumps off the stool]
- Eric Cartman: [sarcastic] Wow! How did I do that?
- Eric Cartman: Could I... perhaps have... *two* megarangers?
- Liane Cartman: Yes, darling, you can have whatever you want!