Colson Baker: Tommy Lee

The Dirt

Colson Baker credited as playing...

Tommy Lee

Photos16

+ 4

Quotes29

Nikki Sixx: How many chicks have you fucked so far?
Vince Neil: Three.
Nikki Sixx: No, not today. On the tour.
Vince Neil: Oh, man. I lost count after that gang bang in Salt Lake City.
[laughs]
Nikki Sixx: That was fun.
Vince Neil: What about you, old man?
Mick Mars: Did you ever stop to think that the slobs who fuck you guys probably fuck every other band who comes through town?
[pause, then Nikki, Tommy, and Vince laugh hysterically]
Vince Neil: Yeah. Yes, they do.
Tommy Lee: Dude, we're like pussy brothers with the whole scene.
[continued laughing]
Mick Mars: I happen to have respect for myself and the females of our species, unlike you animals.

[Tommy enters the dining room and sees his parents kissing]
Tommy Lee: God! Get a room, guys.
Voula: Eat. Eat. You're too skinny.
Athena Lee: Yeah, chicken legs.
Tommy Lee: You got 'em too.
[Athena turns around and notices Tommy wearing her leopard pants]
Athena Lee: Oh my God! Those are my pants. Mom!
Tommy Lee: But... they look so much better on me.
[pointing at his parents]
Tommy Lee: Later, creators!

Vince Neil: When Tommy sits behind his drums, Nikki picks up his bass, and Mars plugs in his guitar, something happens, man.
Nikki Sixx: It's like a weird kind of electrical humidity. You don't just hear it, you feel it.
Tommy Lee: All I can say is we fucking made it, dude.
Mick Mars: I don't know how we're not dead or in jail. We shit on a lot of people and did things that we regret every day. But somehow, we're still here, in it together.
Tommy Lee: That's fate.
Vince Neil: That's family.
Nikki Sixx: And that's Mötley Fuckin' Crüe.

[Ozzy Osbourne arrives at the pool, wearing only a bath robe]
Ozzy Osbourne: Let's have some fucking fun, huh?
Nikki Sixx: Morning, Oz.
[Ozzy approaches an elderly couple]
Ozzy Osbourne: Oh, you guys need some drinks, eh? Well, drinks are on me.
[Ozzy moons the elderly woman with a dollar bill stuck between his buttocks]
Ozzy Osbourne: Take it. Go on! Come on! It's like a piggy bank in there. All right, I'll just leave it there for you.
[the elderly couple leaves in disgust while Ozzy approaches Mötley Crüe]
Ozzy Osbourne: Drinks are on me! Drinks are on me!
Tommy Lee: Morning, Oz.
Ozzy Osbourne: Hey.
Nikki Sixx: I'll take a refill.
[Ozzy flashes the band]
Tommy Lee: Gross!
[Ozzy climbs the lifeguard chair]
Nikki Sixx: I gotta hand it to you, Oz. All these years, and you're still keeping up with us kids.
Ozzy Osbourne: Keeping up with them? I've fucking lapped you, mate! Now come here and have a talk with your Uncle Oz. Come on. Come on.
[the band approaches Ozzy]
Ozzy Osbourne: Now, this is your first real tour, right? I want you to be careful. Have fun, but know when to say when. 'Cause a life full of booze, drugs, and unprotected sex is only gonna fuck you up, man. I mean, you take it too far, and you'll go fucking mad!
[Ozzy jumps off the lifeguard chair]
Ozzy Osbourne: And give me a straw. I fancy a bump.
Nikki Sixx: Oh, man.
Tommy Lee: All right, we're all out of blow, dude.
Vince Neil: Man, we're out.
Ozzy Osbourne: I said I want a bump.
[looking at Tommy]
Ozzy Osbourne: Straw, please.
[Tommy gives Ozzy his whiskey straw]
Tommy Lee: Okay.
[Ozzy smiles, then gets down and snorts a line of ants with the straw]
Nikki Sixx: Oh, fuck.
[Ozzy gets up]
Ozzy Osbourne: You think you're ready for that, man? Do ya? Huh? Do you think you're ready for that?
[Ozzy starts urinating on the pool floor]
Tommy Lee: [waving at the other guests] Sorry.
Ozzy Osbourne: Everybody else has a drink.
[Ozzy gets down to lick his urine, scaring off the other guests]
Tommy Lee: You're a god, dude.
Nikki Sixx: Crazy fucker. Watch this.
[Nikki urinates on the pool floor, but before he gets down, Ozzy shoves him away and licks Nikki's urine off]
Tommy Lee: I can't unsee that!

Mick Mars: Yeah, you're goddamn right I'm old. Old enough to know better... than to waste my time fucking around with a bunch of rug-monkeys. I'm paying child support and sleeping on park benches, so I need to know you're not pulling dick here, 'cause I'm looking to go the distance. And if that's not you guys, let's not waste the fucking time.
Nikki Sixx: I fucking love this weird little guy.
Tommy Lee: He's real, dude.
[Nikki and Tommy high-five each other. Tommy offers a high-five to Mick, but Mick stares at him, and he puts his hand down]
Tommy Lee: Sorry.

Nikki Sixx: So here's my theory, okay? If we want to knock people on their asses, then we've gotta give them a show. The punks, they're doing the minimalist thing, so let's take it in the exact opposite direction. I'm talking, I'm talking a stadium show in the clubs, man. Like, costumes and lights and...
Tommy Lee: Pyro. Flames and shit!
[Tommy sprays a lighter]
Nikki Sixx: Exactly.
Tommy Lee: Explosions.
Nikki Sixx: Exactly! Look, it's a fucking war out there, and the only way we win is by showing these kids something they've never seen before.
Vince Neil: So what do we call this thing?
Nikki Sixx: Where is it? Here.
[Nikki pulls out his notebook with lyrics and Satanic drawings]
Nikki Sixx: You know, it's all about being, like, fucking larger than life.
[Nikki shows them a sheet of paper with a pentagram and the word "XMASS"]
Vince Neil: XMASS?
Nikki Sixx: Yeah.
Mick Mars: On a scale of one to ten, that gets a 1.9.
[Tommy chuckles]
Nikki Sixx: It's a play on Christmas, you know. You can use all the Christ imagery and shit. It'll piss people off and make people think, you know. It... It's got shock value.
Mick Mars: Yeah. I'm shocked by how much it blows.
[Tommy and Vince laugh]
Nikki Sixx: All right then, assholes. You give it a shot, but fucking make it big!
[Tommy gets an idea]
Nikki Sixx: Here. Use my pen, Tommy.
[Tommy starts scribbling on the notebook while chuckling]
Nikki Sixx: What have you got, Tommy?
[Tommy shows a drawing of a penis and the words "The Fourskins". Vince and Nikki laugh]
Nikki Sixx: The Fourskins? Really, Tommy?
Tommy Lee: Yeah. 'Cause we're gonna fuck the audience in the face every night, dude.
Nikki Sixx: Yeah, but can you see that shit on the marquee above the Forum?
Tommy Lee: Okay, you're right. I'm out.
Nikki Sixx: Come on, Mick. You've gotta do better than that.
[Mick shows them the words "Motley Crew"]
Mick Mars: I've been waiting a long time for this day.
Nikki Sixx: All right.
[Nikki grabs the notebook and does some scribbling on Mick's suggestion. He then shows his version of the name to the band]
Tommy Lee: [laughing] That's sick, dude!
Nikki Sixx: Right?
Vince Neil: Yeah.

[Tommy throws up from stagefright]
Mick Mars: Seriously, we're gonna die.
Tommy Lee: I'm okay.
Nikki Sixx: Right, listen up. Come on. Gather round, guys.
[the band gets together]
Nikki Sixx: Look where we are. We've got an old man, a kid drummer, a cover band singer, and a fucking runaway. No one would have thought we'd make it here, so fuck them. Win it all, lose it all, We're Mötley Fuckin' Crüe!
[Tommy howls]
Nikki Sixx: So let's destroy these motherfuckers!
Tommy Lee: Yeah!
Nikki Sixx: Come on!

Doc McGhee: [narration] They weren't like other bands who raised hell because they thought that's what rock stars were supposed to do. Mötley Crüe did stupid things because they were Mötley Crüe.
[a valet is loading luggage in a Mercedes-Benz when a TV falls on the car. He looks up and sees Mötley Crüe from a hotel window]
Tommy Lee: So sorry, man.
Nikki Sixx: What happened?
Tommy Lee: It slipped, man. Right through.
Valet: What the fuck?
[Mötley Crüe start throwing furniture at the car]
Valet: Shit!

[Tommy approaches Heather Locklear at a party in Vince's house]
Tommy Lee: Dude!
Heather Locklear: Are you talking to me?
Tommy Lee: [offering a glass of champagne] Uh, Tommy.
Heather Locklear: Heather.
[Tommy pulls back the champagne and drinks it]
Tommy Lee: Oh. I know. I know you from TV.
Heather Locklear: Yeah. I, uh, get that a lot.
Tommy Lee: Yeah. The Fall Guy. I love that show.
Heather Locklear: That's not me. The Fall Guy is Heather Thomas. I'm Heather Locklear.
[Tommy nods in embarrassment as he drinks]
Heather Locklear: I know you from MTV.
Tommy Lee: Yeah, well, I get that a lot.
Heather Locklear: Whitesnake, right?
Tommy Lee: Fuck. You're mean. And I think I love you.
[they both laugh]
Tommy Lee: Yep.

[Tommy approaches Nikki at the diner]
Tommy Lee: Hey, that was badass, dude. The show, not the nose, but... nose was pretty badass too.
Nikki Sixx: The singer's an asshole.
Tommy Lee: I know. I saw. Hey, fuck him, though. He deserved it.
[pause]
Tommy Lee: I got your poster on my bedroom wall.
[Nikki stares at Tommy]
Tommy Lee: I can't believe I just said that.
Nikki Sixx: Take the fucking poster down, man. London's over.

Nikki Sixx: My new band is gonna be something nobody's ever fuckin' seen before.
[Nikki circles a classified ad on a guitarist posted by Mick Mars. Tommy points at it with his drum stick]
Tommy Lee: That dude looks pretty cool.
Nikki Sixx: Do you carry those with you everywhere?
[Tommy starts twirling his drumstick with one hand]
Tommy Lee: Yeah.
Nikki Sixx: Where'd you learn to do that?
Tommy Lee: High school marching band. Hey, but I rock too.

[Mick arrives at Nikki's apartment. Tommy helps him unload his amplifier from his car]
Tommy Lee: Whoa, dude. You got it? Here for the audition?
Mick Mars: Yep.
Tommy Lee: Well, I'm Tommy.
Mick Mars: Mick Mars.
Tommy Lee: I'm the drummer.
Mick Mars: Scrawny for a drummer.
Tommy Lee: I used to be in Suite 19, so...
Mick Mars: Shitty band.
Tommy Lee: Hey, man. Did you ever even see us play?
Mick Mars: Suite 19?
Tommy Lee: Yeah.
Mick Mars: Don't need to. Band with a shitty name, ten times out of ten, shitty band.
[looks at Nikki]
Mick Mars: Hey.
Nikki Sixx: Hey, man.
Tommy Lee: What the fuck do you know?
Mick Mars: Been in a lot of bands with shitty names.

Nikki Sixx: So you think you got it?
Mick Mars: Let's just fucking play it.
[the band plays "Live Wire". In the middle of the song, Mick bursts into a loud solo, which puts Rick off guard]
Rick: Whoa! Whoa! Whoa! Hold up!
[the band stops playing]
Rick: Hey, you mind turning it down a little bit, old timer? I can't hear myself. Jesus.
Mick Mars: [turning to Nikki] Fucking hippie ain't gonna make it.
Nikki Sixx: So tell him.
[Mick approaches Rick]
Mick Mars: Listen to me. There's only room for one guitar player in this band, and that's me. So why don't you, uh, pack up your toys and go home?
[confused look on Rick's face]
Rick: Okay, I was here first, all right? Tommy, tell him.
[Tommy drops his drum stick]
Rick: Nikki? Come on.
[Nikki shrugs]
Rick: Really? You're gonna listen to this old dude over me? Then fuck you guys, man!
[Rick unplugs his guitar]
Rick: And your shitty fucking band.
[Rick leaves the apartment in tears]
Tommy Lee: So how old are you, Mick?
Mick Mars: Fuck you, you fucking teenager.

[as Vince prepares for his audition, Nikki hands him a sheet of lyrics]
Nikki Sixx: And we got you some lyrics. This is, uh, "Live Wire".
Vince Neil: Yeah, I like this one.
[Vince notices the concerned look on Lovey's face]
Vince Neil: What's up, babe?
Lovey: I'm just trying to make sure these guys are good enough to play with you.
[the band starts practicing "Live Wire" with Vince when Lovey suddenly gets up and interrupts them]
Lovey: This isn't right! This isn't right! This isn't right!
Nikki Sixx: All right. Stop.
[the band stops playing]
Nikki Sixx: Sorry, what?
Lovey: This music's way too heavy, baby.
Nikki Sixx: Thank you.
Mick Mars: Why don't we just, uh, tune it all down a whole step so that he can...
Tommy Lee: Let's play it faster too.
Nikki Sixx: If you, uh, really stretch out the chorus...
Vince Neil: Uh-huh.
Nikki Sixx: ...and punch the top, man.
Vince Neil: Okay.
Nikki Sixx: Hit this note, right here.
[Nikki points at Lovey]
Nikki Sixx: And muzzle that.
Lovey: [gets up] Hey, fuck you, asshole! He doesn't tell me what to do, so go fuck yourself, motherfucker!
[Mick interrupts Lovey by playing the song, followed by the rest of the band. Vince's vocals get the whole band in sync, impressing Lovey all of a sudden]
Lovey: Holy shit.

[the crowd heckles Mötley Crüe as they play their first song]
Drunk Dude: Who's the chick singer?
Vince Neil: Fuck you, asshole!
[Drunk Dude flips Vince and spits on his leather pants. Vince lunges at him, but gets punched in the face by the Drunk Dude. Nikki then hits the Drunk Dude with his bass]
Nikki Sixx: [narration] Are you fucking kidding me? Our first show and it's gonna go like this?
[Nikki jumps at another drunk crowd member]
Tommy Lee: Dude, hey!
[Tommy jumps at another drunk crowd member]
Tommy Lee: [narration] Hell yeah, it's gonna go down like this, dude. Let's kick some fucking ass!
[as Nikki and Tommy brawl with the drunk crowd members, Mick kicks another crowd member before playing his guitar. Vince breaks a beer bottle on the Drunk Dude's head before the bouncers intervene and kick the drunk crowd members out of the club]
First Fan: Fuck yeah! Mötley Crüe! Whooooo!
[the crowd applauds the band before they return on stage]

[Tom Zutaut approaches the band's table and hands his business card]
Tom Zutaut: Hey guys. I'm Tom Zutaut. I work for Elektra Records.
Nikki Sixx: Nice to meet you, bro.
Tommy Lee: Hey, man.
Tom Zutaut: I'd love, uh, the opportunity to talk to you if you have a second.
Tommy Lee: Wanna sit down?
Tom Zutaut: [noticing Tommy holding his cigarette with his lower lip and chin] That's really cool.
Tommy Lee: Sit. Do it.
Tom Zutaut: Thank you.
Tommy Lee: Scoot over.
Vince Neil: Yes, absolutely.
[Zutaut sits next to Vince]
Tom Zutaut: Listen, uh, I've been seeing what you guys have been doing in L.A., and I think, with my help, I think I could really, you know, do something for you...
[Zutaut suddenly feels his pants being unzipped and gets up. A blond woman appears from under the table as the band laughs at him while he zips his pants up]
Tom Zutaut: What is... Oh my God!
Restaurant Groupie: No? Not for you?
Tom Zutaut: No, thanks.
Restaurant Groupie: You sure?
Tom Zutaut: No, thank you.
Restaurant Groupie: Okay.
[Groupie disappears under the table before Zutaut sits down]
Tom Zutaut: Anyway, uh, let's get back to, uh, you know, what I was talking about. So, uh, what do you guys say? Do you want a record deal?
Nikki Sixx: Uh...
[Nikki grabs Tommy's head and bangs it on the table several times]
Tom Zutaut: Is that a yes?
Vince Neil: I don't know if we can trust a dude who turns down a free blowjob.
Tommy Lee: Yeah.
Nikki Sixx: Yeah.

Nikki Sixx: [narration] Elektra Records signed us to a five-album deal.
[Nikki passes a cymbal full of cocaine]
Nikki Sixx: Tommy, vacuum this mess up.
Tommy Lee: Yes, sir.
Nikki Sixx: [narration] We got a fat cash advance, which meant better drugs and bigger parties.
Tommy Lee: [narration] We were the kings. I mean, look at this place! Everybody wanted to party with us.
Party Goer: Can I get a fucking line, man?
[Mick shoves the party goer away]
Mick Mars: Yeah, right, man. Get the fuck out of here.
Tommy Lee: [narration] I mean, Diamond Dave from Van Halen, right there on our fucking couch!
[party goer approaches David Lee Roth, who is snorting his own cocaine]
Party Goer: Hey, can I get a line of that?
[party goer stumbles and hits the wall, causing a mirror to crash on Roth]
Nikki Sixx: Whoa! What the fuck, dude?
Party Goer: Chill out, asshole. It's cool.
Nikki Sixx: Cool? That is David Lee Roth. How about you show a little respect or get the fuck out?
Party Goer: Make me, motherfucker.
[party goer shoves Nikki, only to get punched by Doc McGhee, who puts him in an arm lock]
Doc McGhee: You fellas are gonna need a manager.
[Doc looks at Roth]
Doc McGhee: Hey Dave.
David Lee Roth: What's everybody looking at?
Mick Mars: [looking at audience] This didn't actually happen. Doc never came to this filthy shithole. We met him at the Santa Monica Civic Center after a show. He also brought his partner, Doug Thaler. Doug's a good guy, and it's kinda shitty he got cut from this movie, but I think this is as good a version as any. So... on with the goddamn show.
Tom Zutaut: Oh, good. You met Doc. He works with James Brown, KISS, you name it.
Mick Mars: Fucking hate KISS.
Doc McGhee: Well, I make them a shitload of money, and I take care of everything they need, which is what I'm gonna do for you.
Nikki Sixx: Oh yeah? And how are you gonna do that?
Doc McGhee: Look, I know what I see up there. Anyone can start a band and crap out a song or two, but not many have the vision to go the distance. And you guys need someone to guide you through the fucking wilderness.
Nikki Sixx: And you're gonna be that someone?
Doc McGhee: You're goddamn right I am.
[pause]
Nikki Sixx: All right.
Nikki Sixx: [narration] This was our fucking moment.

Nikki Sixx: [narration] I spent my whole life chasing ghosts, looking for something I could never find. And here it was right in front of me the whole time... and up on stage with me every night.
[Nikki pays Tommy a visit]
Tommy Lee: Hey, man.
Nikki Sixx: What I did at your wedding...
[pause]
Nikki Sixx: I didn't... know... how to do that. How to be there.
Tommy Lee: W-w-what's up, Nikki?
Nikki Sixx: I was really fucking selfish and I shit on something that was really important to you, and I am really sorry.
Tommy Lee: I know you pretty well, Sixx, so... I kinda get it. And it's okay.
[pause]
Tommy Lee: But can you say that last part one more time for me?
Nikki Sixx: Don't fucking push it, T-bone.
[Tommy laughs]
Tommy Lee: Come in, man.
[Nikki enters Tommy's home]
Nikki Sixx: I heard you and Heather broke up.
Tommy Lee: Yeah. I think she's uh, gonna end up being the one that got away.
Nikki Sixx: I'm sorry, man.
Tommy Lee: I knew I'd get you to say it again!
[laughs]
Nikki Sixx: Fuck you! All right. We're going on a mission.

[Nikki and Tommy meet Mick outside a hospital after Mick's hip replacement surgery]
Mick Mars: Filthy bastards.
Tommy Lee: How's that new hip, dude? Feel like the Terminator now or some shit?
Mick Mars: Touch the chair and I'll terminate you, drummer.
Nikki Sixx: Ready for this, Mick?
Mick Mars: [to his nurse] Thank you.
[Mick gets up from his wheelchair]
Mick Mars: Stop looking at me like that. Let's go get our fucking singer back already.
Tommy Lee: Aye-aye, captain.
Mick Mars: Goddammit.

[Vince is drinking at a bar after losing Skylar]
Bartender: Hey, Vince.
[Vince turns around and sees Nikki, Tommy, and Mick]
Tommy Lee: Hey, man.
Nikki Sixx: Just wanna talk, Vinnie. That's it.
[pause]
Nikki Sixx: Come on, Vinnie.
Mick Mars: Let's talk.
[they move to a table]
Nikki Sixx: I was scared. After what happened with Razzle, I was scared that I was losing the only thing that ever mattered to me.
Vince Neil: Yeah, your band.
Nikki Sixx: No. No. This.
[points around everyone]
Nikki Sixx: This. Look, we went to war together. Shit changes, people change, but I don't fucking care if Mötley Crüe never plays another note. All I want is my fucking brother back. Because this is the only family that I've ever known.
[pause]
Nikki Sixx: Fuck.
Tommy Lee: We love you, Vin. Okay, fuck, I love you.
Nikki Sixx: And I am sorry about Skylar, man.
[Vince breaks down in tears]
Nikki Sixx: Fuck.
Vince Neil: It's against the laws, man. It's against the fucking rules of the universe.
[Mick tries to comfort Vince]
Mick Mars: Hey.
Nikki Sixx: Hey. We got you, brother. We got you, brother. We got you.

Colson Baker: Tommy Lee

The Dirt

Colson Baker credited as playing...

Photos16

Quotes29

More from this title

More to explore

Recently viewed