Steve Carell credited as playing...
Michael Scott
- Michael Scott: Oh, and another fun thing. We, at the end of the night, are going to give the check to an actual group of Boy Scouts. Right, Toby? We're gonna...
- Toby: Actually, I didn't think it was appropriate to invite children since it's... You know, there's gambling and alcohol, and it's in our dangerous warehouse and it's a school night... And, you know, Hooters is catering. You know, is that enough? Should I keep going?
- Michael Scott: Why are you the way that you are? Honestly, every time I try to do something fun or exciting, you make it not that way. I hate so much about the things that you choose to be.
- Michael Scott: I am no longer your boss. Lady Fortune is your boss.
- Stanley: Will Lady Fortune give me a raise?
- Michael Scott: Shut it, shut it, shut it.
- Michael Scott: There are certain topics that are off-limits to comedians: JFK, AIDS, the Holocaust. The Lincoln Assassination just recently became funny. I need to see this play like I need a hole in the head. And I hope to someday live in a world where a person could tell a hilarious AIDS joke. It's one of my dreams.
- Michael Scott: Okay, you know what? I will not donate my winnings to Comic Relief, since apparently, it doesn't exist. I am going to donate to Afghanistanis with AIDS.
- Jim Halpert: Nope. I think you mean the aid to Afghanistan.
- Michael Scott: No, I mean Afghanistanis with AIDS.
- Phyllis: Afghani.
- Michael Scott: What?
- Phyllis: Afghani.
- Michael Scott: That's a dog.
- Pam Beesley: No, that's Afghan.
- Michael Scott: That's a shawl.
- Dwight Schrute: Wait, canine AIDS?
- Michael Scott: No. Humans with AIDS.
- Creed: Who has AIDS?
- Jim Halpert: Guys, the Afghanistananies.
- Michael Scott: Okay, you know what? No. No. AIDS is not funny. Believe me, I have tried.
- Michael Scott: Hey, Carol, how goes the real estate biz? Is it real good?
- Pam Beesley: It's still me.
- Darryl: [explaining to Michael why he doesn't want fire-eaters in the warehouse for Casino Night] We just have a lot of stuff down there that could be stolen.
- Michael Scott: That's ironic.
- Darryl: What?
- Michael Scott: That *you* are afraid.
- Darryl: Why? 'Cause I'm from the hood?
- Michael Scott: Dinkin flicka.
- Darryl: [to film crew] I taught Mike some phrases to help him with his interracial conversations. You know, stuff like, "Fleece it out." "Going mach five." "Dinkin flicka." You know, things us Negroes say.
- Michael Scott: Give me some.
- [Mike and Darryl do choreographed handshake]
- Darryl: [laughing] Oh, yeah, I taught him a handshake, too.
- Michael Scott: Why are you here?
- Dwight Schrute: When Darryl was coming, you said you wanted me here for protection.
- Michael Scott: Not. I said, not that.
- Michael Scott: Love triangle. Drama. All worked out in the end, though. The hero got the girl. Who saw that coming? I did.
- Michael Scott: Jan and I understand each other. The romance thing is sort of on hold for the time being, but we've remained good friends. Good friends with privileges. Not now, someday.