Jeff Dunham credited as playing...
Self • Walter • Sweet Daddy Dee • Bubba J • Peanut • José Jalapeño on a Stick
- Walter: How long've you been married?
- Jeff Dunham: Fifteen years.
- Walter: You'll see.
- Jeff Dunham: See what?
- Walter: Remember when you said, "'Til death do us part"?
- Jeff Dunham: Yeah.
- Walter: Later you'll realize you were actually setting a goal.
- Jeff Dunham: You know, you don't have to do this.
- Walter: Yeah, I could get a real job.
- Jeff Dunham: [chuckles] What would you do.
- Walter: I wanna be a greeter at Wal-Mart.
- [audience laughs]
- Walter: What the hell's so funny?
- Jeff Dunham: At Wal-Mart, what would be your opening line?
- Walter: Oh.
- [clears throat]
- Walter: Welcome to Wal-Mart, get your shit and get out!
- [audience laughs]
- Walter: Have a nice day.
- Jeff Dunham: Anything else, Walter?
- Walter: I don't know. Last night, I couldn't find a place to park anywhere near this stinkin' joint. Then some jerk pulled up in a brand-new Mercedes, goes right in the handicap spot. He got out of the car and there was nothing wrong with him! Don't you hate that?
- Audience: Yeah!
- Walter: So I ran his ass over. I made an honest man out of him. Then his mother got out on the other side and started swinging her crutches at me! Took her out with the door.
- José Jalapeño: Do not drop me, Señor.
- Jeff Dunham: I won't drop you, José.
- José Jalapeño: I will then be José Jalapeño On The Floor.
- Peanut: Do a little tap dance and we got salsa!
- Jeff Dunham: That's terrible!
- Peanut: Not with the right kind of chips it's not.
- Jeff Dunham: Stop it! I'm sorry, José.
- José Jalapeño: It's okay.
- Jeff Dunham: Okay.
- José Jalapeño: I kick his ass later.
- Peanut: I'll turn your ass into guacamole!
- Jeff Dunham: Stop it.
- Peanut: I'll stir you with your own stick!
- Jeff Dunham: Stop it.
- Peanut: [makes a stirring motion with his arm] This is the way we stir the guac! Stir the guac! Stir the guac! OLÉ!
- Jeff Dunham: [softly, to Peanut about José] You were supposed to have taken him to the spa.
- Peanut: [whispering] I took him to the spa!
- José Jalapeño: He put me in the vegetable steamer.
- [Peanut stares as everyone laughs]
- Peanut: It's the same thing!
- Jeff Dunham: It's not the same thing!
- Peanut: It is too! It gets hot and then it gets steamy and then it goes "ding"!
- Jeff Dunham: [to Walter about his wife] Did you guys get into another argument this morning?
- Walter: Yeah.
- Jeff Dunham: What happened?
- Walter: I don't know. She rolled out of bed, jumped on her menstrual cycle, and ran my ass over.
- Jeff Dunham: Never heard it put quite that way before.
- Walter: Oh, it even has a sound. It goes, "Nag, nag-nag-nag, nag, nag, nag, nag, nag, nag, biiiitch, bitch-bitch, bitch-bitch!"
- Walter: My wife and I heard that coffee's good for your sex life.
- Jeff Dunham: Coffee?
- Walter: Yeah.
- Jeff Dunham: Is it?
- Walter: No. It kept me awake through the whole damn thing! I actually had to participate. Doctor said it's bad for my heart, too.
- Jeff Dunham: All the caffeine?
- Walter: No, seeing my wife naked.
- Jeff Dunham: That's awful.
- Walter: Oh, you've seen her, too?
- Jeff Dunham: So, is coffee good for the sex life or not?
- Walter: I don't know. But, they're never gonna let us back into that Starbucks again.
- Walter: [answering questions submitted by the audience] "What is it that I gag when I brush my tongue but not when I give my boyfriend oral sex?" Well, obviously, the toothbrush is bigger.
- José Jalapeño: Purple bastard.
- Peanut: Mexican condiment.
- Jeff Dunham: A condiment?
- José Jalapeño: I do not use them.
- Peanut: You don't?
- José Jalapeño: And neither did your mother.
- [laughter]
- Jeff Dunham: [talking about Walter's wife] She's a lovely lady.
- Walter: She's getting old.
- Jeff Dunham: Well, women age like... like fine wine.
- Walter: She's aging like milk!
- Sweet Daddy Dee: Is there one other brother in the house tonight?
- [sees a black man]
- Sweet Daddy Dee: Oh! Yo, dawg, RUN!
- [audience laughs, including black man in question]
- Sweet Daddy Dee: Start up the car! I'll see you after the show!
- Jeff Dunham: What's your favorite beer?
- Bubba J.: An open one.
- Jeff Dunham: How do you know when you drink too much?
- Bubba J.: I run out.
- Jeff Dunham: So did you date for a while?
- Bubba J.: Yup.
- Jeff Dunham: You propose?
- Bubba J.: No, her daddy did that.
- Jeff Dunham: How did that happen?
- Bubba J.: I went over to her house one night, was supposed to pick her up at seven, showed up at seven thirty. Her daddy was out on the porch with his shotgun, he said, "Hey, Bubba J! Guess who else is late?"
- Jeff Dunham: How long have you been married?
- Walter: Ah, what is it now? Uh, 46 years.
- Jeff Dunham: Ah. What was the happiest moment of your life?
- Walter: Forty-*seven* years ago.
- Jeff Dunham: [Sweet Daddy Dee calls him a ho] I'm not a whore.
- Sweet Daddy Dee: What do you do for a living?
- Jeff Dunham: Make people laugh.
- Sweet Daddy Dee: Make 'em feel good.
- Jeff Dunham: Right.
- Sweet Daddy Dee: You the ho.
- Jeff Dunham: That's not right.
- Sweet Daddy Dee: Why do you do what you do?
- Jeff Dunham: Why? Because I enjoy it and it's the best way I know to make money.
- Sweet Daddy Dee: You the ho!
- Jeff Dunham: Wait a minute, what if I said I do it ONLY because I enjoy it?
- Sweet Daddy Dee: You the dumb ho. Ha-HAAA!
- Sweet Daddy Dee: Let's make an analogy here.
- Jeff Dunham: An analogy?
- Sweet Daddy Dee: If we were foods, I would be a fine summer wine that would divine anytime.
- Jeff Dunham: Ah. What about me?
- Sweet Daddy Dee: Every good wine needs a cracker.
- Sweet Daddy Dee: [about NASCAR] What kind of three-and-a-half hours is this? Look, they're making a left turn! Oh, they're making another left turn! Oh, they're making another left turn! I wonder what's gonna happen next? Let's go to commercial! Come back in ten minutes, you ain't gonna miss a fucking thing!
- Jeff Dunham: The drive from the valley?
- Peanut: Was bad as hell!
- Jeff Dunham: Traffic?
- Peanut: Sucked like hell!
- Jeff Dunham: Drivers?
- Peanut: Angry as hell!
- Jeff Dunham: And you?
- Peanut: Were scared as hell!
- Jeff Dunham: Parking?
- Peanut: Sucked more like hell!
- Jeff Dunham: So?
- Peanut: We're in hell!
- [looks out at audience]
- Peanut: And these are our hellmates! Think about it, next time somebody tells you to go hell, you come right here!