Brendon Small credited as playing...
Brendon Small • Dwayne • Walter • Various
- [Brendon and Coach McGuirk are watching the popular new assistant coach, Drew, run the kids' soccer practice]
- Coach McGuirk: Hey Brendon, how come the team never carried me off the field?
- Brendon: We tried, but you were too big.
- Coach McGuirk: Excuse me?
- Brendon: I mean, uhh... too drunk?
- Coach McGuirk: Yes. Yes I was. But I tell you something Brendon, I am every day, that doesn't mean don't carry me off the field.
- Jason Penopolis: My client wants points, and...
- Melissa Robbins: What does that mean?
- Jason Penopolis: It means points. Duh. Lots of 'em. No points, and we walk.
- Melissa Robbins: Stop saying 'points'.
- Jason Penopolis: Points.
- Brendon: What I want is something in here that just says I get final cut.
- Jason Penopolis: And points.
- Brendon: Forget the points.
- Jason Penopolis: No, no, the points are the whole thing.
- Melissa Robbins: [Duane whispers to Melissa] OK, Duane would two cuts. One for him that he gets to approve, and then one for you, a Director's cut.
- Brendon: Director's cut? I like!
- Jason Penopolis: What about points?
- Melissa Robbins: OK, you can have seventeen points!
- Jason Penopolis: Deal! We win, seventeen to nothing.
- Coach McGuirk: Brendon, I know something is going on.
- Brendon: Nothing is going on, Coach McGuirk.
- Coach McGuirk: Hey, I said something's going on, now let me tell you a story, all right? About me. I once went astray myself.
- Brendon: I am not astray.
- Coach McGuirk: Shut up and listen, Brendon. And learn.
- Brendon: Okay.
- Coach McGuirk: Now when I was in college I went through some weird times...
- Brendon: I didn't know you went to college.
- Coach McGuirk: A couple of days I did. Alright, and I ran with a gang. The gang was called the Feelgoods. It wasn't the toughtest gang in the world... it was more like running with the cast of a broadway musical. Very annoying. Alot of freaky interpretive dance stuff - beads, makeup - in other words *drugs*, Brendon.
- Brendon: Coach McGuirk, I am *not* doing drugs.
- Coach McGuirk: You don't remember the Feelgoods, Brendon?
- Brendon: Am I...
- Coach McGuirk: Huh?
- Brendon: No!
- Coach McGuirk: Is that it?
- Brendon: What?
- Coach McGuirk: Denial is the first sign that you've got a problem, Brendon.
- Brendon: No it's not. Denial is the first sign that I *don't* have a problem. That's why I'm denying it.
- Coach McGuirk: That doesn't work that way, Brendon. You can't fool me with your logic. If you're denying doing it that means you're doing it.
- Brendon: You mean like, uh, "He who smelt it dealt it"?
- Coach McGuirk: I don't know from poetry, Brendon. But if you're doing drugs, you're doing drugs and that's bad.
- Brendon: But I'm not doing anything.
- Coach McGuirk: Well you're doing this!
- Brendon: [sigh] Mr. Freckles again?
- Coach McGuirk: Hey, he who's late cleans Mr. Freckle's crap. Alright, bring it in!
- Brendon: Why aren't you coaching?
- Coach McGuirk: I'm letting Drew run the practice. That's what assistant coaches are for, running the practice.
- Brendon: Yeah, I guess.
- Coach McGuirk: Assistant coaches are also for doing my laundry.
- Brendon: You know, the team really seems to like him.
- Coach McGuirk: And getting me food...
- Brendon: Right.
- Coach McGuirk: Buying me lottery tickets...