Hugh Laurie credited as playing...
Dr. Gregory House
- Dr. Gregory House: They're out there. Doctors, lawyers, postal workers. Some of them doing great. Some of them doing lousy. Are you going to base your whole life on who you got stuck in a room with?
- Eve: I'm going to base this moment on who I'm stuck in a room with. It's what life is. It's a series of rooms and who we get stuck in those rooms with adds up to what our lives are.
- [a patient is screaming in agony and running around the ER]
- Pharmacist: Should I get a sedative?
- Dr. Gregory House: No, I'm good, thanks.
- Dr. Gregory House: If you believe in eternity, then life is irrelevant. The same way a bug is irrelevant in comparison to the universe.
- Eve: If you don't believe in eternity, then what you do here is irrelevant.
- Dr. Gregory House: Your actions here are all that matters.
- Eve: Then nothing matters. There's no ultimate consequences. I couldn't live like that.
- Dr. Gregory House: So you need to think that the guy who did this to you is gonna be punished.
- Eve: I need to know that it all means something. I need that comfort.
- Dr. Gregory House: Yeah. Are you feeling comfortable? You feeling good right now? Feel warm inside?
- Eve: I was raped. What's your excuse?
- Dr. Gregory House: It was true.
- Eve: What was?
- Dr. Gregory House: It wasn't my grandmother, but it was true.
- Eve: Who was it?
- Dr. Gregory House: It was my dad.
- Eve: I'd like to tell you what happened to me now.
- Dr. Gregory House: I'd like to hear it.
- Dr. Gregory House: We are selfish base animals crawling across the earth, but because we got brains, if we try real hard we can occasionally aspire to something that is less than pure evil.
- Dr. Gregory House: Why did you choose me?
- Eve: There's something about you. It's like you're hurt too.
- Patient #5: [taking his pulse] Got it.
- Dr. Gregory House: Start counting.
- [pause]
- Dr. Gregory House: How many?
- Patient #5: Twenty-six.
- Dr. Gregory House: Okay... Either you suck at math, or you're gonna die in two seconds.
- [pauses for two seconds, nothing happens]
- Dr. Gregory House: You suck at math.
- Dr. Gregory House: Wake up. It's not as bad as what happened to you, I don't think. I don't know what happened to you. But given how lousy you're responding, I assume it was worse than getting abused by your grandmother.
- Eve: What did she do to you?
- Dr. Gregory House: My parents traveled a lot, and they'd leave me with her. She liked things the way she liked them. And she believed in discipline. She was right, I suppose, because I hardly ever screwed up when she was around. Too scared of being forced to sleep in the yard or take a bath in ice. Your turn.
- Eve: Your parents, they... they never stopped her?
- Dr. Gregory House: I never told them.
- Eve: [to House] I just want to talk.
- Dr. Gregory House: About nothing.
- [Eve nods her head]
- Dr. Gregory House: We talk about nothing, nothing will change.
- Eve: It might.
- Dr. Gregory House: How?
- Eve: Time. Time changes everything.
- Dr. Gregory House: It's what people say. It's not true. Doing things changes things. Not doing things leaves things exactly as they were.
- Dr. Wilson: Tell her the truth.
- Dr. Allison Cameron: [Cut to Cameron] Tell her your life has been good.
- Dr. Gregory House: It hasn't been.
- Dr. Allison Cameron: Tell her anyway. She wants hope. She wants to know that what happened to her wasn't the norm. Things can be okay, which means maybe they can be okay for her again.
- Dr. Eric Foreman: [Cut to Foreman] Tell her your life sucked.
- Dr. Gregory House: It didn't.
- Dr. Eric Foreman: Tell her anyway. She wants to know she's not alone. She wants to know she's gonna survive this, that other people have been through this and worse and come out the other end. She wants to know she's going to heal. Act like... you healed.
- Dr. Robert Chase: [Cut to Chase] Tell her... Keep her asleep.
- Dr. Gregory House: Thanks. You've all been a huge help.
- Dr. Lisa Cuddy: I'll pay you $10 for every patient you diagnose without touching. You pay me $10 for every one you have to touch.
- Dr. Gregory House: You're making this into a game for me from which I can only conclude this isn't a game for you.
- Dr. Lisa Cuddy: No.
- Dr. Gregory House: Why? You think if I deal with enough people, I'll find some humanity?
- Dr. Lisa Cuddy: Yes.
- Eve: [When it's discovered that Eve is pregnant] I don't wanna terminate.
- Dr. Gregory House: You wanna keep the baby.
- Eve: Abortion is murder.
- Dr. Gregory House: True.
- [nods]
- Dr. Gregory House: It's a life and you should end it.
- Eve: Every life is sacred.
- Dr. Gregory House: Come on, talk to me. Don't quote me bumper stickers.
- Eve: It's true.
- Dr. Gregory House: It's meaningless.
- Eve: It means every life matters to God.
- Dr. Gregory House: Not to me, not to you. Judging by the number of natural disasters, not to God either.
- Eve: You're just being argumentative.
- Dr. Gregory House: Yeah! I do do that. What about Hitler? Is his life sacred to God? Father of your child? Is his life sacred to you?
- Eve: My child isn't Hitler.
- Dr. Gregory House: Either every life is sacred or...
- Eve: [shouts] Stop it! I don't wanna chat about philosophy!
- Dr. Gregory House: You're not killing your rape baby because of a philosophy.
- Dr. Gregory House: [to Cuddy while dropping off folders to the Nurse's Station] Diagnosis. Prescription. You owe me 30.
- [Goes to an exam room with a very attractive female patient. Returns later. Quietly to Cuddy]
- Dr. Gregory House: I owe you 10.
- Dr. Gregory House: You gotta get me out of this. There's nothing to diagnose. There's nothing...
- Dr. Lisa Cuddy: You only tested her for STDs?
- Dr. Gregory House: I had seven morons who forgot their raincoats. It's all they asked for, so I didn't waste the lab's time, why?
- Dr. Lisa Cuddy: I wasted their time. She's pregnant.
- Dr. Lisa Cuddy: [to House] You are going back to the clinic or jail.
- Dr. Gregory House: You perjured yourself to keep me out of jail. How are you...?
- Dr. Lisa Cuddy: I only did that because I thought you were getting clean.
- Dr. Gregory House: So it's do clinic duty or go to jail.
- Dr. Lisa Cuddy: Yes.
- Dr. Gregory House: Then it'll be finish your paperwork or go to jail. Help with fundraising or go to jail. Do your job or go to jail. I think I'd rather go to jail.
- Dr. Gregory House: [to House] Why do you want me?
- Eve: I don't know.
- Dr. Gregory House: [shrugging] I don't wanna treat you.
- Eve: You're just saying that so I'll see the psychiatrist.
- Dr. Gregory House: True, 'cept for the word "just."
- Dr. Gregory House: He's eight years old and he swallowed something stuck to a fridge? Darwin says, let him die.
- Kid: Eight.
- Dr. Gregory House: And he swallowed something stuck to a fridge. Darwin says, let him die.
- Dr. Gregory House: [to a patient overly concerned with personal grooming] I'm wearing a rumpled shirt and I forgot to brush my hair this week. You've got Athlete's Foot in your nose. I'm ready to be judged.
- Dr. Gregory House: [enters Cuddy's office] I need someone to cover a patient.
- Dr. Lisa Cuddy: House, you committed to...
- Dr. Gregory House: She was raped. You think I'm the doctor for her?