Conchata Ferrell credited as playing...
Berta
- Berta: I don't mind your girlfriends throwing an occasional thong or panties into the hamper, I just boil them and sell them at the swap meet. But this broad is taking advantage of my easygoing nature.
- Charlie Harper: Now, to be fair, Lydia does have her positive attributes.
- Berta: Yeah? Well, I ain't hitting any of them attributes, so I don't give a rat's ass!
- Charlie Harper: All right! All right!
- Berta: You know what she said to me, Charlie? She said I need to know my place around here.
- Charlie Harper: Oh, she didn't...
- Berta: Ah, but she did. Is that true, Charlie? Do I need to know my place around here?
- Charlie Harper: No, Berta. We all know your place.
- Berta: And where is that place, Charlie?
- Charlie Harper: Wherever you want it to be.
- Berta: There is only room for one alpha dog in this house.
- Charlie Harper: I know.
- Berta: And, who is that alpha dog, Charlie?
- Charlie Harper: You are.
- Berta: Say it.
- Charlie Harper: You're the alpha dog.
- Berta: Aw, you sweet talker, you.
- [she kisses Charlie on the cheek, looks down and picks up her basket]
- Berta: We'll just pretend that's morning wood.
- Lydia: Oh, Charlie, I almost forgot. I'm serving hors d'oeuvres for an open house tomorrow, so I'll need to borrow Berta for a couple of hours.
- Berta: Say what?
- Lydia: [to Berta] I'm talking to Charlie.
- [to Charlie]
- Lydia: You don't mind, do you?
- Charlie Harper: Mind? Well, uh...
- Berta: You want to borrow me? What am I, a carpet steamer?
- Lydia: I'm not saying I won't pay you. Plus, you can take home all the leftovers.
- Berta: Oh, gee! Why don't you just toss 'em in a big bowl and I'll eat 'em out in the yard!
- Lydia: Well, that's a little uncalled for. I thought I was doing you a favor.
- Berta: You wanna do me a favor? You take the money you were going to pay me, convert them into rolls of nickels, then bend over and -
- [Charlie cuts her off]