Hugh Laurie credited as playing...
Dr. Gregory House
- Hannah Morganthal: I'm not scared. I'm never scared.
- Dr. Gregory House: [sighs] See? How juvenile was that? You can't feel pain. Nothing left, but pleasure. Why don't you tell me how wonderful that is?
- Hannah Morganthal: It sucks.
- Dr. Gregory House: Better than being in pain all the time. Get in the chair.
- Hannah Morganthal: Every morning, I have to check my eyes to make sure I didn't scratch a cornea in my sleep.
- Dr. Gregory House: Oh, God, stop. I'm in a pool of tears here.
- Hannah Morganthal: I can't cry.
- Dr. Gregory House: Neither can I. Every morning, I check my eyes for jaundice in case the Vicodin's finally shot my liver.
- Hannah Morganthal: I can't run anywhere without examining all my toes for swelling.
- Dr. Gregory House: I can't run.
- Hannah Morganthal: Boys can't hold me for too long because I can overheat.
- Dr. Gregory House: Girls can't hold me for too long because I only pay for an hour.
- Hannah Morganthal: I need an alarm on my watch to remind me to go to the bathroom. Know how many humiliating experiences before I thought of that?
- Dr. Gregory House: Bathroom is fifty feet from my office. Every drink of water, I weigh the pros and cons.
- Hannah Morganthal: After everything I do, I self-check. Mouth, tongue, gums for cuts, count teeth, check temperature, fingers, toes and joints for swelling, skin for bruises.
- Dr. Gregory House: I got shot.
- Dr. Eric Foreman: [about Hannah] She's going to jump off the lobby balcony.
- Dr. Gregory House: You think I can catch her?
- Dr. Gregory House: [to Hannah] Hi, again. And I'm sure I can say this without being condescending, but then you'd get the false impression that I respect you, so... you're a kid, you're scared, you're stalling, Grow up.
- Dr. Eric Foreman: [after House pulls a worm out of a patient] That's gotta be 25 feet long.
- Dr. Gregory House: Dammit! World record's over 60.
- Dr. Allison Cameron: You weren't shot because of leg pain, you were shot because you're a jerk.
- Dr. Gregory House: Some think the two are connected.
- Dr. James Wilson: Oh, it's way more interesting, but instead, I've gotta be your damn conscience. I'm tired of being your conscience. I don't enjoy being your conscience.
- Dr. Gregory House: No one enjoys it.
- Dr. James Wilson: You're studying her.
- Dr. Gregory House: She's actually sick.
- Dr. James Wilson: Which you found out after you took her on.
- Dr. Gregory House: I was curious. Since I'm not a cat, that's not dangerous.
- Dr. James Wilson: I don't think that metaphor was designed to actually warn cats.
- [House walked in on Cuddy's date]
- Dr. Gregory House: [to Don] You two must've met online. Either that or you've got a friend who secretly hates you.
- Don Herrick: Don Herrick. Yeah, we connected through singleballroomdancelovers.com.
- Dr. Gregory House: [to Cuddy] Why would he volunteer that information?
- Don Herrick: Why would I hide it?
- Dr. Gregory House: [to Cuddy] You didn't tell him that anything he said would be held against you?
- Dr. Gregory House: Foreman. Your girlfriend wants to know if you're available for Valentine's. Act surprised. What are you doing down here?
- Dr. Eric Foreman: There's a snowstorm. E.R.'s short staffed. We're all supposed to be here. You're supposed to be here. You're an ass. Act surprised.
- Nurse Wendy: I've planned a surprise getaway.
- Dr. Gregory House: Get away.
- Nurse Wendy: Uh hmm.
- Dr. Gregory House: Get away.
- [Wendy stares]
- Dr. Gregory House: Get. Away.
- Dr. Robert Chase: What do you think you're going to figure out, you think... her lack of pain is somehow the answer to your pain?
- Dr. Gregory House: I think... if you'd stop talking to Cameron, then right now we could be ranking nurses in order of do-ability.