Neil Patrick Harris credited as playing...
Barney Stinson
- Ted Mosby: So let me get this straight. A funeral is the one time you don't suit up?
- Barney: Have I taught you nothing, Ted?
- Ted Mosby: Virtually.
- Barney: Suits are full of joy. They're the sartorial equivalent of a baby's smile.
- Ted Mosby: "Sartorial"?
- Barney: "Of or pertaining to tailors or their trade." Suits are for the living. That's why when it's my time to R.I.P. I'm going out of this world the same way I came into it. Buck naked! Yeah! It's going to be awesome. Open bar for the guys, open casket for the ladies!
- [high-pitched]
- Barney: What uuuuup!
- Barney Stinson: [Superbowl, 2006] I'll give you the Seahawks plus six points for 500 bucks.
- Marshall Eriksen: Are you crazy? Maybe for $50.
- Barney Stinson: [Freaking out] $50? What fun is $50? Why don't we just bet air? God, Marshall!
- [Normal]
- Barney Stinson: Okay, $50.
- Ted Mosby: Marshall, you're on beer detail. Lily, you're making the bean dip. Robin, you're on chips and pretzels. Barney, I'm giving you nothing to do so that you can work on your gambling problem.
- Barney Stinson: Problem? Hey, Superman should really do something about his flying problem. Please! It's not a problem if you're awesome at it.
- Barney Stinson: Emmitt Smith! Thank God!
- Emmitt Smith: I get that a lot.
- Barney Stinson: You gotta tell me! Who won the Super Bowl last night?
- Emmitt Smith: That was last night? You know, once you win two or three of those, it's like... Eh.
- Barney Stinson: But you're Emmitt Smith! What could be more important than the Super Bowl?
- Emmitt Smith: Dance, my friend. Dance.
- Barney Stinson: [Over Mark's casket] Such a waste.
- Lily Aldrin: I know. He was so young.
- Barney Stinson: A hand-stitched, cashmere, double-breasted Dolce & Gabbana. It must be so frightened.
- Marshall Eriksen: [Watching the Superbowl, 2004] Hey, Barney, I bet you 20 bucks that Casey misses this field goal.
- Barney Stinson: I don't bet. Betting's for suckers.
- Marshall Eriksen: Make it like a dollar or something, you know. Who cares? No big deal.
- Barney Stinson: Fine.
- Marshall Eriksen: See, there you go, he made it. You win.
- [Hands Barney a dollar]
- Barney Stinson: Wait. This is mine, just like that? God, that feels good. No, that feels really... good. What else can we bet on?
- Marshall Eriksen: Nothing, it's the halftime show.
- Lily Aldrin: Oh, so lame. Nobody even pays attention. I mean, Janet Jackson, who cares?
- [Everyone leaves]
- Wendy: Oh, God, you didn't hear? Mark died.
- Lily Aldrin: Oh, my God.
- Marshall Eriksen: Oh, my gosh.
- Wendy: The funeral's tomorrow at 6:00, and I know it would have meant a lot to Mark if you came. You guys were his favorite customers.
- Lily Aldrin, Ted Mosby, Marshall Eriksen, Barney Stinson, Robin Scherbatsky: Stay strong. We're so sorry.
- [the waitress leaves]
- Ted Mosby: Who was Mark?
- Marshall Eriksen: No idea.
- Barney Stinson: Not a clue.
- Barney Stinson: [handcuffs himself to Ted's radiator] Ted, swallow this key.
- Ted Mosby: No.
- Barney Stinson: You eat a lot of salads, It'll be out by gametime.
- Ted Mosby: Again, no.
- Barney Stinson: How the hell are you planning on getting in and out of a sports bar without seeing the score? There's TVs everywhere.
- Ted Mosby: Ah, don't worry. I got it all planned out. First of all: I placed duct tape on a pair of sunglasses so I can only see out of two tiny holes. Next, I constructed blinders out of an old cereal box. Top it all off: high-tech noise-reducing headphones I bought when Marshall and Lily first got back together and were doing it a lot. I call it the Sensory Deprivator 5000.
- Ted Mosby: [Watching the Superbowl in 2003] Second down, everyone drink.
- Barney Stinson: Ted, it's not a drinking game if you drink anytime anything happens.
- Barney Stinson: [Barney walks into the apartment and handcuffs himself to the radiator] Hey, take this key and swallow it.
- Ted Mosby: What? No.
- Barney Stinson: Come on, Ted, you eat salads. It'll be out by game time.
- Ted Mosby: Lots more, no.
- Barney Stinson: I'm not messing around, Theodore. I've got a lot of money riding on this game. If I don't handcuff myself to this radiator, I'll check the score. Please take the key.
- Ted Mosby: Fine.
- [Ted grabs the key and walks away]
- Ted Mosby: But only because you didn't think through a bathroom plan, and I think that's funny.