Steve Carell credited as playing...
Michael Scott
- Michael Scott: So I am instituting prima nocta.
- Jim Halpert: [to the camera] Prima nocta, I believe, from the movie "Braveheart" and confirmed on Wikipedia, is when the king got to deflower every new bride on her wedding night. So...
- Michael Scott: I'm sorry. I had a very different understanding as to what prima nocta meant.
- [Michael is grilling steaks for Bob Vance's bachelor party]
- Ryan Howard: Is it the same grill you grilled your foot on?
- Michael Scott: No. Yes, but I got all the foot off of it.
- Ryan Howard: Oh, gross.
- Michael Scott: Guys! Beef, it's what's for dinner. Who wants some man meat?
- Dwight Schrute: I do! I want some man meat!
- Jim Halpert: Michael, Dwight would like your man meat.
- Michael Scott: [to the camera while he's making a film for his future son] And remember, no matter what, I will always love you.
- Dwight Schrute: What if he's a murderer?
- Michael Scott: He's not going to be a murderer.
- Dwight Schrute: Maybe that's how you die?
- Todd Packer: A stripper is Bachelor Party 101. If you don't get a stripper, your party's gonna suck hard.
- Michael Scott: I can't get a stripper here. Sexual harassment.
- Todd Packer: Get one for the girls, too. That evens it out. Like, you know, seperate but equal.
- Michael Scott: So that's what that means.
- Michael Scott: Sort of a guys' night out. A G.N.O., if you will. A gno. Actually, it's more of a guys' afternoon in. A G.A.I. A gay.
- [the girls all snigger]
- Michael Scott: Not... Not... It's not gay. It's just a... It's a bridal shower for guys. A guy shower. An hour-long shower with guys.
- Michael Scott: [to a Ben Franklin impersonator whom he thinks is a stripper] Hello! You wearing a thong?
- Michael Scott: Stripper? Could I ask you a question about women? Should I tell my girlfriend that you danced up on me?
- Elizabeth the Stripper: "Secrets, secrets are no fun. Secrets, secrets hurt someone."
- Angela Martin: Sparkling cider is very good.
- Pam Beesly: I think that's champagne.
- [Angela spits champagne back into her glass]
- Michael Scott: Hello, ladies. Who here is a history buff? Who's a fan of buff naked? Without further ado, the one, the only, the sexy Mr. Benjamin Franklin.
- Ben Franklin: Thank you for that introduction, Mr. Scott, and good afternoon, fine gentlewomen of Dunder Mifflin.
- Michael Scott: Half pants, right, Mr. Franklin?
- Ben Franklin: Knickers in fact, yes!
- Michael Scott: He's in his knickers. Mr. Franklin, I would say you are probably one of the sexiest presidents ever.
- Ben Franklin: Well, actually, I never was president.
- Michael Scott: Yes, but, Ben Franklin was.
- Ben Franklin: Ah. I'm here to teach you a little bit about my life and the era of the founding fathers.
- Michael Scott: And when they came over on the Mayflower.
- [imitates porn music]
- Meredith Palmer: Wait, this is the entertainment?
- Michael Scott: Yeah, alright, so I want you to give him your undivided attention and, Mr. Franklin, if any of these ladies misbehave, I give you permission to spank them. Especially that one.
- [Points to Phyllis]