Michael Weston credited as playing...
Private Brian Dancer
- Private Brian Dancer: Can you sign this picture? I promise I'll put it up in my barracks.
- Dr. Elliot Reid: Do you want me to start with how I still can't walk straight and then segue into an anecdote about how you played my tush like a bongo until I cried out in pleasure-pain?
- Private Brian Dancer: What?
- Dr. Elliot Reid: All your army buddies are going to see it. I assume you want it filthy.
- Private Brian Dancer: Oh no, filthy's fine.
- Dr. John 'J.D.' Dorian: [narrating] After Elliot told us that she had attempted suicide, I had to ask the question that was on everybody's mind.
- [out loud]
- Dr. John 'J.D.' Dorian: Was it because I broke up with you?
- Dr. Elliot Reid: No, J.D.
- Dr. John 'J.D.' Dorian: Oh, good, good, good, good.
- Dr. Elliot Reid: I'm not even sure why I did it. I guess things just catch up with you, you know... you get lonely, you're not happy with what's happening in your life and...
- Dr. John 'J.D.' Dorian: ...an amazing guy breaks up with you...
- Dr. Elliot Reid: J.D., this is not about you! I was 16!
- Private Brian Dancer: So, how'd you try it?
- Nurse Carla Espinosa: Brian!
- Dr. Christopher Turk: Please, you're dying to know...
- Nurse Carla Espinosa: No, I am not! When Elliot...
- Dr. Elliot Reid: Carla... it's fine. I was all into poetry back then, you know... Sylvia Plath and Virginia Woolf... I know, shocker. Well, they both killed themselves. Plath stuck her head in the oven, but that was not an option for me because every time my head gets hot I need to pee, and I was not about to be found lying in a puddle of my own urine. Not again... not after the prom fiasco...
- Dr. Perry Cox: If you're still not sure why you tried to off yourself, I'm starting to get a pretty clear picture over here...
- Dr. Elliot Reid: So, I decided to do it like Virginia Woolf: I walked into a lake and tried to drown myself. Got up early on a Saturday, put on my bikini...
- Private Brian Dancer: Whoa... why would you wear a bikini?
- Dr. Elliot Reid: Oh, my one-piece was in the back of Coach Pongetti's car. That story informs this one, but I'm not going to tell it... Anyhow, I swam out to the middle of the lake and I couldn't bring myself to go under, so I just started, you know, floating around, waiting to get tired and then... Bam! Bam! Bam! Bam! I got hit in the head by four oars as our school's rowing team passed by and then they just picked me out of the lake and took me home.
- Nurse Carla Espinosa: [realizing Turk's gonna fart] Oh no... Turk, I know that look... don't you dare toot while Elliot is baring her soul.
- Dr. Christopher Turk: But baby, the pressure's building. No one on Earth is this uncomfortable.
- Dr. Perry Cox: [writing on a prescription pad] Here is the name of a really good therapist.
- Private Brian Dancer: Look I know. You think I owe it to myself...
- Dr. Perry Cox: Please! Who cares about you? Never mind the fact that we've been busting our asses trying to take care of you every day for the last three weeks. I mean for God's sake, if I had known back then that you were just gonna go ahead and give up, I'd have saved myself a huge hassle, smothered you with a pillow, and spend all my extra time catching up on Newbie's pathetic blog.
- Dr. John 'J.D.' Dorian: [thinking] Oh my God, he referenced me in a tough love speech! Stop smiling!
- Dr. Perry Cox: So no Brian, no. You don't owe anything to yourself, but... you damn sure owe each one of us.
- Private Brian Dancer: [humbly taking the note] Fine. I'll call him.