Seth MacFarlane credited as playing...
Peter Griffin • Brian Griffin • Stewie Griffin • Glenn Quagmire • Tom Tucker • Jake Tucker • Captain Seamus • Elephant • Church Goer #3 • Sheriff • Business Man #1 • Dallas Houston • Skater • Edward • Dick Cheney • Texan Audience Member #2
- Peter Griffin: If you're watching a TV show, and you decide to take your values from that, you're an idiot. Maybe you should take responsibility for what values your kids are getting. Maybe you shouldn't be letting your kids watch certain shows in the first place if you have such a big problem with them, instead of blaming the shows themselves.
- [pauses then looks to the camera]
- Peter Griffin: Yeah.
- Brian Griffin: [answers the phone] Hello? Oh, hi, Jillian.
- Jillian: Brian, I'm reading TV Guide. Can you explain how these cheers and jeers work again?
- Brian Griffin: Uh, well, the "cheers" is when they generally approve of something on television and "jeers" is when they find some sort of fault with it, uh...
- Jillian: Oh! See, yeah, I'm not quite - We can't do this over the phone! You're gonna have to come over.
- Brian Griffin: I can't come over! We're still on the run because the town thinks Stewie's possessed.
- Jillian: No, they don't! Didn't you hear? They stopped chasing you weeks ago.
- Brian Griffin: What? I have to go!
- [starts to hang up the phone]
- Jillian: Wait! Wait! I have another question: How do I know if I'm Jewish?
- Brian Griffin: Are you Jewish?
- Jillian: No.
- Brian Griffin: There you go, sport.
- Jillian: Thank you!
- [Brian hangs up the phone]
- Peter Griffin: You know that Chuck Norris is so tough, that there is no chin behind is beard, it's only another fist.
- Brian Griffin: That's ridiculous.
- [he finds Chuck Norris behind him. then a fist come out of his beard and punches out Brian]
- Brian Griffin: So, Stewie, how do you feel now that you are a girl?
- Stewie Griffin: I feel right, Brian. I feel right.
- Peter Griffin: Hey, Lois, did you say something?
- Lois Griffin: Oh, just that I think you're gonna love this cake.
- Stewie Griffin: [undercover in drag] None for me, thanks; it's gonna go straight to my vagina.
- Stewie Griffin: [aside to Brian] That's what girls worry about, right? Having big vaginas?
- Tom Tucker: Coming up, a local claims to have spotted Big Foot. We've got the exclusive interview here.
- Redneck: I was about to bone my girlfriend, but suddenly she yelled. I looked up and it was Big Foot?
- Tom Tucker: So what did you do after that?
- Redneck: I went back to bone her, but the mosquitoes went crazy and she said there was no way.
- [Lois has brought Stewie, who is disguised as a girl, to a toddler beauty pageant]
- Stewie Griffin: What the hell are we doing here? What is this place?
- Lois Griffin: Welcome to your first toddler pageant, Stewie. This is what you do in Texas.
- Stewie Griffin: Ah, yes... lovely. A first-class ticket to a semen-covered death in the basement.
- Jillian: How do I know if I'm Jewish?
- Brian Griffin: Are you Jewish?
- Jillian: No.
- Brian Griffin: There you go sport.
- Stewie Griffin: I could disguise myself as Brittany Spears. I'm already standing in urine and hate the person I'm with.