- [Randy drives Stan along a secluded road at night; Stan has a bag over his head so he doesn't see where they're going]
- Randy Marsh: I always knew this day would come, when my son would be brought into the society. Reminds me of the day I was brought in by my father.
- Stan: Grandpa's in it too?
- Randy Marsh: Of course. Marshes have been in The Hare Club For Men for generations. All the way back to the beginning.
- Stan: Dad, do I have to wear this bag over my head the entire time?
- Randy Marsh: You aren't a member yet. You can't know where our secret meetings take place. We're going to a distant location, an old building near the lake about 40 minutes away.
- Stan: [guessing] You mean the old Galveston Lodge?
- [Randy is taken aback at Stan's memory, and so he thinks about what to do next; after a while, he decides to remove the bag and continues driving]
- Randy Marsh: Dammit!
- [Jesus and Kyle are locked in a separate prison cell apart from Pope Benedict XVI's cell; Jesus furiously saws at a chain keeping the door closed with a file in his right hand]
- Pope Benedict XVI: [in remorse] Forgive me, Jesus.
- Jesus: [furious about Bill Donohue] We'll never get out in time to stop him!
- Kyle: Don't you have any superpowers?
- Jesus: [throws the file away] Not as a mortal. Only in death.
- [he pauses for a second]
- Jesus: [realizing] Wait. That's it. We have no choice, Kyle. You're going to have to kill me.
- Kyle: [shocked] What?
- Jesus: Stab me with this.
- [he brings out a small dagger]
- Jesus: If I die, I can resurrect outside the bars.
- Kyle: [reluctant] No way! Do it yourself!
- Jesus: Suicide is blasphemy. There's no choice here, Kyle!
- Kyle: Dude, you don't understand, I'm a Jew. I have a few hangups about killing Jesus.
- Jesus: Just make it quick.
- [he kneels down and hands the dagger to Kyle, then points at his own neck]
- Jesus: [continues] Through the neck. I'll arise again immediately.
- Kyle: [looks at the dagger in dismay] Don't make me do this.
- Jesus: [shouts] My son, there is no time! *Do it!*
- Kyle: [still looking and pondering] Eric Cartman can never know about this.
- Jesus: [still kneeling, looking at Kyle] I understand. And Kyle... Happy Easter.
- [he waits patiently for his moment of death and rebirth]
- Kyle: [pauses, then reluctantly] Happy Easter, Jesus.
- [he stabs Jesus in the throat, and at once Jesus stands up in pain with a gargling scream, his blood spewing everywhere from his throat; still screaming, he walks around for a few seconds while smearing blood on the wall, his screams and groans turning silent, then falls forward to the floor and dies; his halo falls from his head and rolls away with a metallic clink]
- Kyle: [in shock at seeing Jesus' body] ... Jesus?
- [the Marsh family is coloring the eggs at their home]
- Randy Marsh: [singing] In my Easter bonnet, with all the frills upon it, / I'll be the grandest lady in the Easter parade.
- [he finishes coloring the egg and shows it off]
- Randy Marsh: Look at that one, huh? Half-purple and half-yellow with a chickadee sticker. I'm good.
- [sets it into the egg tray and goes for another one]
- Stan: Uh, can I ask a question? Why do we do this?
- Randy Marsh: Wha... what do you mean, "Why do we do this?" It's Easter!
- Stan: Right. So why do we color eggs?
- [Shelley makes a cross face]
- Randy Marsh: Well... so that the Easter Bunny can hide them.
- Stan: Yeah, but why?
- Randy Marsh: Stanley, Easter celebrates the day that Jesus was resurrected after being crucified for our sins.
- Stan: So we dip eggs in colored vinegar and a giant rabbit hides them?
- Randy Marsh: [continues coloring] That's right.
- Stan: You don't see the missteps in logic with that?
- [Randy is unfazed, while Shelley, Sharon and Grandpa Marvin look at Stan disapprovingly]
- Stan: Look, I'm just saying that somewhere between Jesus dying on the cross and a giant bunny hiding eggs there seems to be a... a gap of information.
- Randy Marsh: [becoming cross] Stanley, just dye your goddamn eggs!
- Stan: [leaves his seat] I don't feel like coloring eggs! I don't get it!
- Randy Marsh: What is wrong with him?
- Sharon: Well, he's just getting older, Randy. Maybe he's figured out the Easter Bunny isn't real.
- [continues dyeing her eggs; Randy slams his palms down on the table angrily, and Sharon is taken aback]
- Randy Marsh: [rising up to leave] You know so little!
- [Kyle is fingerpainting at his house when a doorbell rings, and he goes to answer it and opens the door]
- Stan: [unkempt, gasping and holding Snowball the rabbit] Help.
- Kyle: What happened?
- Stan: My dad's in a rabbit-worshiping cult called the Hare Club for Men, they protect the secret of Easter but before they said what it was they were attacked by ninjas and put me in charge of Snowball.
- Kyle: ...I'm kind of fingerpainting right now.
- Stan: [enters anyway] Dude, they took my dad away. They even shot one of his fellow hares. And now they're after me! Do you know anything about Easter? What is the connection between Jesus and rabbits and colored eggs?
- Kyle: Dude, I'm Jewish. I have no idea.
- [Stan and Kyle escape from Professor Teabag's mansion that was ransacked by ninjas, while holding Snowball]
- Kyle: So what now?
- Stan: If the pope has my dad... I have to give him what he wants.
- Kyle: You aren't just gonna hand Snowball over?
- Stan: What choice do I have? There's nobody left who can help us!... Wait... unless... maybe there is.
- [he hands Snowball to Kyle]
- Stan: Here, hold this.
- [walks some distance from Kyle and prays]
- Stan: Jesus, I know we haven't talked in a long time, and I know that every time you appear we end up killing you somehow, but... I don't know what to do. And I could really use your help.
- [he waits for a long time, hoping his prayer can be answered, but there's no sign of Jesus]
- Kyle: [looking down at Snowball] I think the rabbit just crapped on my jacket.
- [the Mall Easter Bunny sits in a chair taking requests for Easter gifts from the kids; Cartman is seated on the Bunny's lap]
- Cartman: And I want a Baltor soldier doll for Easter, and five Crash-'n'-Go RC cars, you got that? Do you have that?
- Mall Bunny: [confused] Uhh, don't you think that's...
- Cartman: [angry] No no! You don't ask me questions! You are a rabbit! I am a human! So if you don't bring me what I want for Easter, I can fuckin' kill you!
- Aide: Smile!
- [she takes a picture and Cartman hops off]
- Cartman: [leaving] Bye, Easter Bunny!
- [at Stan's room, Randy explains things to his son]
- Randy Marsh: I wanted to keep this from you, Stan. I really wanted to wait until you were older, but... you just had to keep asking questions!
- Stan: Why were those other rabbit guys chasing me?
- Randy Marsh: We have to be careful when we think somebody's onto us.
- [turns around to face Stan]
- Randy Marsh: We are all part of a secret society, Stan. A very ancient, very important society of men, who follow the Way of the Rabbit, and protect the secret of the Easter Bunny. We are called... The Hare Club For Men.
- Stan: [not impressed, but curious] Does Mom know about this?
- Randy Marsh: Duh, it's The Hare Club For Men! Chicks wouldn't understand.
- Stan: *I* don't understand!
- Randy Marsh: I belong to a secret society that has been around for thousands of years! Our identities have to be protected!
- Stan: Could... could you take off the ears, please?
- Randy Marsh: Stan, you don't seem to understand how serious this is! The secret of Easter that we protect is something that could rock the foundation of the entire world!
- Stan: So what is the secret of Easter?
- Randy Marsh: I can't tell you. You have to be allowed into the society first, but... but perhaps... it's time.
- Jesus: This is exactly why I put a rabbit in charge of the Church, Benedictus. Because men are so easily led astray. St. Peter was a rabbit and a rabbit should be Pope.
- Bill Donohue: Kill him!
- Pope Benedict XVI: What?
- Bill Donohue: He goes against the Church. He must die!
- Pope Benedict XVI: All right, that does it, Bill! I'm pretty sure that killing Jesus is not very Christian.
- Randy Marsh: Stanley, I'm so proud of you. You've learned so very much this Easter.
- Stan: Yeah, I learned not to ask questions. Just dye the eggs and keep my mouth shut.
- Stan: That's my boy.