Jon Cryer credited as playing...
Alan Harper
- Jake Harper: So, when are you gonna be on TV?
- Kandi: I have to pass the audition first. Let's not put the cart before the whores.
- Alan Harper: Horse.
- Kandi: [clears throat] Maybe a little. I've been rehearsing all day.
- Alan Harper: [Charlie is mocking Alan for wanting to go camping with Jake] My life is just one big joke to you, isn't it?
- Charlie Harper: Actually, it's more of a limerick: 'There once was a moron named Al / Who wanted to camp with his pal'. Any chance you can go camping in Nantucket?
- Alan Harper: [Alan is worried that Jake might be losing interest in him as a father] I can't help but feel a little empty inside, like, like a chapter of my life is over.
- Charlie Harper: So, you've still got plenty to look forward to.
- Alan Harper: Y'mean besides work, loneliness and death?
- Charlie Harper: Absolutely. There's memory loss, impotence, adult diapers...
- Charlie Harper: [Charlie grins as Alan glares at him] I'm all you've got, pal.