Hugh Laurie credited as playing...
Dr. Gregory House
- Dr. Gregory House: [to a kid] Can you say "Crikey Mate"?
- 12 year old boy: Crikey Mate.
- Dr. Gregory House: Perfect. Now, no matter what I say, you'll agree with me, okay?
- 12 year old boy: Okay.
- Dr. Gregory House: Nicely done.
- [to a foreign man]
- Dr. Gregory House: You, disagree with everything I say.
- Hamid: Sorry, not understand.
- Dr. Gregory House: That's close enough.
- [to a woman]
- Dr. Gregory House: And you - get morally outraged by everything I say.
- [House writes the symptoms on a white board]
- Sour Faced Woman: That's permanent marker, you know.
- Dr. Gregory House: Wow, you guys are good.
- Dr. Gregory House: [to a parent about her crying daughter] Give her twenty milligrams of antihistamine. Could save her life 'cause if she doesn't shut up, I'll kill her.
- Dr. Lisa Cuddy: [looking up exasperated] Delivering goodwill to yet another continent.
- Keo the Flight Attendant: [a passenger, Pang, looks sick] Sir, are you all right?
- Dr. Gregory House: [bluntly] He's drunk.
- Dr. Gregory House: [Pang vomits] See?
- Keo the Flight Attendant: [asks something from Pang in Hawaiian]
- Peng: [mutters something in Korean]
- Keo the Flight Attendant: Does anyone speak Korean?
- [no one replies]
- Keo the Flight Attendant: Is anyone a doctor?
- Dr. Gregory House: [sharply] Yes!
- [gets up]
- Dr. Gregory House: I'll go get her.
- Dr. Gregory House: [having checked Cuddy's heartbeat by pressing his ear against her chest] Heart is fine, breasts are firm.
- Dr. Lisa Cuddy: And the room service thing was just spiteful.
- Dr. Gregory House: I was hungry.
- Dr. Lisa Cuddy: $300 for a bottle of wine.
- Dr. Gregory House: I was thirsty.
- Dr. Lisa Cuddy: $120 on video services.
- Dr. Gregory House: I was lonely.
- Dr. Gregory House: Nobody speak Korean on this flight?
- Dr. Lisa Cuddy: I assumed you did.
- Dr. Gregory House: I know how to ask him if his sister's over eighteen. I just don't think that's gonna help.
- Dr. Gregory House: Look that way.
- [points to the side]
- Joy the Blonde: Why?
- Dr. Gregory House: Because you're going to throw up, and I don't want it on me.
- [she throws up]
- Dr. Gregory House: Condoms. He has focal limb paralysis.
- 12 year old boy: His legs got paralyzed by a condom?
- Dr. Gregory House: No, by cocaine. Was inside the condom, is now spreading through his digestive tract.
- Sour Faced Woman: [doesn't like the graphic description] Eww.
- Dr. Lisa Cuddy: You think he's a mule.
- Dr. Gregory House: I think he's a jackass. We're gonna have to operate.
- 12 year old boy: [enthused] Cool.
- 12 year old boy: What's extension of pastory?
- Dr. Gregory House: It's when you're molested by a priest's cousin.
- Dr. Lisa Cuddy: [to Keo] Tell the captain to drop as low as he can under five thousand feet.
- Keo the Flight Attendant: We're at thirty eight thousand. We...
- Dr. Lisa Cuddy: Peng's got the bends.
- Dr. Gregory House: Went diving yesterday. Like an idiot, he surfaced too quickly. Like a bigger idiot, he boarded a flight which is pressurized to 8,000 feet above sea level. Low pressure is killing him. Tell the pilot to dive until we can club baby seals out of the window.
- Dr. Gregory House: [to Joy] You're pregnant.
- Joy the Blonde: I'm what?
- Dr. Gregory House: Explains the nausea, abdominal pains, fever. And why you're stuffing your 36Cs into a 34B bra.
- Dr. Gregory House: [to Cuddy as he examines her] Need to get a better look at your rash.
- Dr. Lisa Cuddy: Use your imagination.
- Dr. Gregory House: Fine. Shall I go with "Lifeguard Cuddy" or "Mother Superior Cuddy"?
- Dr. Gregory House: [to the passengers over the P.A. system on the airplane] Yo! Listen up! Bad news is you have an illness. The good news is, it's not meningitis.
- [the passengers sigh in relief]
- Dr. Gregory House: It's not fatal. It's just embarrassing. It's conversion disorder. More commonly known as mass hysteria. It happens often in high anxiety situations, especially to women. I know it sounds sexist, but science says you're weak and soft. What can I do?
- Dr. Lisa Cuddy: [to House] Thank you.
- Dr. Gregory House: I saved your life. You owe me.
- Dr. Lisa Cuddy: I wasn't sick.
- Dr. Gregory House: But you didn't know that. You owe me.
- Dr. Lisa Cuddy: I know it now.
- Dr. Gregory House: Your mind convinced your body to get a rash, photophobia and vomit. How'd you know it wouldn't have shut down your cold, cold heart next?
- Dr. Lisa Cuddy: [smiles; shakes her head] I don't owe you.
- Dr. Gregory House: You're mean.
- Dr. Gregory House: [as he examines the rash on Peng's leg] Thin leg. It's been in a cast.
- Dr. Lisa Cuddy: So?
- Dr. Gregory House: So it could be radiation poisoning.
- Dr. Lisa Cuddy: From a broken leg?
- Dr. Gregory House: From the X-rays they took of it.
- Dr. Lisa Cuddy: He could break every bone in his body and still not have enough x-rays to cause radiation sickness.
- Dr. Gregory House: Unless those X-rays were performed in Wankoff, North Korea by a 3rd-grade dropout with a 50-year-old imager.