- Todd Flanders: Mr. Simpson, why did you hurt the dollies?
- Homer: Well, son, your uncle Homer is like 80% of Americans: hopped up on prescription drugs.
- Rod Flanders: But users are losers.
- Homer: You're confusing drugs with "druuuugs!"
- Lisa: I've read that people do strange things in their sleep when they've taken Ambien... I mean Nappien.
- Homer: [after the dog gives Maggie his squeaky toy] Good job, boy. As a reward, we're going to treat your heart murmur, and not just see how it goes.
- Homer: We're not thieves. We're scavengers. Like the beautiful vulture, the heroic tapeworm, and America's sweetheart, the maggot.
- Mayor Quimby: Your sense of civic duty, and this pamphlet that came with the fire extinguisher are the only training you need or shall ever receive.
- Homer: Look at me! I'm stealing five Segways at once. And speaking of segueways, I'm off to my next morally questionable activity.