Steve Carell credited as playing...
Michael Scott
- Kelly Kapoor: [after Michael reads out a memo] That's from Ryan? Does it mention if he's seeing anybody?
- Michael Scott: No, it doesn't. I'll find out tonight.
- Stanley Hudson: Yes, please let us know.
- Michael Scott: I kidnapped a kid.
- Dwight Schrute: You had to. What other choice did you have?
- Michael Scott: I could have paid for the pizza.
- Dwight Schrute: Well, yeah.
- Dwight Schrute: I can make more sales than a computer. In fact, I challenge that website to make more sales than me today.
- Angela Martin: Waste of time.
- Michael Scott: What's that, pipsqueak?
- Angela Martin: Waste of time. The website's going to win.
- Dwight Schrute: You believe a computer can beat me?
- Angela Martin: I don't care, but yes.
- Dwight Schrute: Well, I will prove you wrong.
- Angela Martin: I don't care, and you won't.
- Dwight Schrute: You'll see.
- Angela Martin: I won't be watching, and I won't.
- Jim Halpert: [about the delivery kid being held against his will] You need to let him go.
- Michael Scott: Let go our little jerk boy before he has learned his lesson?
- Jim Halpert: Yes.
- Michael Scott: You know what, Jim? The world would be a better place if people were held accountable for their actions.
- Jim Halpert: Yes, but not by kidnapping.
- Michael Scott: I'm not kidnapping him, I'm keeping him until I get what I want.
- Jim Halpert: As a hostage.
- Michael Scott: I think you're overthinking it.
- Jim Halpert: I think you're underthinking it.
- Angela Martin: [to Phyllis about misspelling launch on the party sign] It is awful. You've made this day awful.
- Kevin Malone: Maybe you could just change the U into an A.
- Michael Scott: [speaking in a hushed voice as he approaches the sign] Oh, lunch party.
- Angela Martin: It's supposed to say launch!
- Michael Scott: Okay! Wow! Easy booster seat. Nobody cares about this party anyway.
- Angela Martin: I care!
- Michael Scott: [On the phone] Yes, is Alfredo there? Can I speak to a manager, then? Ok, can you tell the manager that I'm keeping his delivery kid until I get my discount on the eight pizzas I ordered? Yes, I know it is not on the coupon. Also, I would like him to throw in two, three pizzas, uhm, just for our...
- Jim Halpert: [to MIchael] Ransom.
- Michael Scott: ...Trouble. Ok. Alright.
- [Hangs up the phone]
- Jim Halpert: What did he say?
- Michael Scott: He said no.
- Michael Scott: Well, the website is the brainchild of my brainchild, Ryan. It is my brain-grandchild.
- Michael Scott: Are you ready to give me my discount now?
- Delivery Kid: No.
- Michael Scott: Ok, what have you been doing in here this whole time?
- Delivery Kid: What kind of business is this?
- Dwight Schrute: We're a paper company. The best paper company in the whole wide world.
- Michael Scott: Alright, Dwight, knock it off.
- [to the delivery kid]
- Michael Scott: You better think about what you're doing, young man.
- Delivery Kid: You better think about what you're doing.
- Michael Scott: No! I'm an adult, I don't have to think or do anything. You're a kid, you're a little snot-nosed, punk kid who thinks he's better than everybody else. Because he's some hot shot, and you don't know anything about sales. So stop being a disrespectful little jerk.
- Delivery Kid: Sales?
- Michael Scott: Yes, sales, you sell pizza, last time I checked that's called sales.
- Delivery Kid: You're such a loser.
- Dwight Schrute: What did you just call him?
- Delivery Kid: A loser.
- Dwight Schrute: What did you say?
- Delivery Kid: A loser.
- Ryan Howard: And now, from my old hometown, Scranton, Pennsylvania, my former boss, Michael Scott.
- Michael Scott: [Satellite camera switches to Michael at the Scranton office branch] Hey, I think you should know that one of my salesmen beat your stupid computer. So take that, -bleep- !
- Ryan Howard: [laughs and smiles embarrassingly] Always a jokester.