Rainn Wilson credited as playing...
Dwight Schrute
- Dwight Schrute: I've seen this kid before. He's one of the kids that sneaks onto my farm and steals my hemp.
- Delivery Kid: Yeah, I know that guy. He's that farmer that grows really crappy weed.
- Michael Scott: I kidnapped a kid.
- Dwight Schrute: You had to. What other choice did you have?
- Michael Scott: I could have paid for the pizza.
- Dwight Schrute: Well, yeah.
- Andy Bernard: [about Angela] I hear she's single and ready to mingle. I'm thinking about making a play for her. What do you think? Crazy, right?
- Dwight Schrute: I think it's inappropriate to date someone you work with.
- Andy Bernard: Isn't that part of the fun?
- Dwight Schrute: No. I think you should date Kelly.
- Andy Bernard: She works here, too. How is that any different?
- Dwight Schrute: She works in the annex. You're also welcome to date Toby.
- Dwight Schrute: I can make more sales than a computer. In fact, I challenge that website to make more sales than me today.
- Angela Martin: Waste of time.
- Michael Scott: What's that, pipsqueak?
- Angela Martin: Waste of time. The website's going to win.
- Dwight Schrute: You believe a computer can beat me?
- Angela Martin: I don't care, but yes.
- Dwight Schrute: Well, I will prove you wrong.
- Angela Martin: I don't care, and you won't.
- Dwight Schrute: You'll see.
- Angela Martin: I won't be watching, and I won't.
- Andy Bernard: And then I will say something positive like "Kudos," or "Job well done."
- Jim Halpert: Or, "Zip-a-dee-doo-dah!"
- Andy Bernard: I can't tell if he's mocking me.
- Dwight Schrute: Just ignore him.
- Andy Bernard: I can't do that. It's really hard for me to let things go.
- Jim Halpert: I was mocking.
- Andy Bernard: Thank you.
- Dwight Schrute: I just feel like we need something more to acknowledge when I make a sale.
- Andy Bernard: Yes! Like a chime or a bell.
- Jim Halpert: Or a gong.
- [after getting instant messages from "the website"]
- Dwight Schrute: It appears that website has become alive. This happens to computers and robots sometimes. Am I scared of a stupid computer? Please, that computer should be scared of me. I have been salesman of the month for 13 out of the last 12 months. You heard me right. I did so well last February that corporate gave me two plaques in lieu of a pay raise.
- Dwight Schrute: [Irate that Kelly is buying from the computer that he is competing with] What're you doing? I am in the fight of my life against this computer and every sale counts!
- Kelly Kapoor: But you get to put the paper in this little shopping cart and then it says 'Thanks for shopping at Dunder Mifflin!'
- Dwight Schrute: Damn it, Kelly, it knows! It knows what you did!
- Darryl Philbin: Who knows?
- Dwight Schrute: [Snatches ream of paper from Darryl and yells at Kelly] Return it! Return it now!
- Darryl Philbin: [Snatches the ream back] Hey! How about instead of yelling at our sweet little Miss Kapoor over five hundred sheets of paper you get back to your desk, start sellin' multiple reams, like a man.
- Dwight Schrute: Y-you don't understand. Okay, if this makes the difference
- [points at the ream of paper]
- Dwight Schrute: I'm gonna tell it that YOU were responsible.
- Darryl Philbin: [with a threatening voice] Who's "it"?
- Dwight Schrute: I am not a bad person. When I left Staples, I took some of their leads with me but I never intended to use them. What did I intend to do with them? Who knows? Maybe keep them as a souvenir. Maybe use them.
- [Dwight suspects the new website has become self-aware through instant messages Pam is sending]
- Dwight Schrute: [typing] How do I know this isn't Jim?
- Pam Beesly: [typing] What is a Jim?
- Michael Scott: Are you ready to give me my discount now?
- Delivery Kid: No.
- Michael Scott: Ok, what have you been doing in here this whole time?
- Delivery Kid: What kind of business is this?
- Dwight Schrute: We're a paper company. The best paper company in the whole wide world.
- Michael Scott: Alright, Dwight, knock it off.
- [to the delivery kid]
- Michael Scott: You better think about what you're doing, young man.
- Delivery Kid: You better think about what you're doing.
- Michael Scott: No! I'm an adult, I don't have to think or do anything. You're a kid, you're a little snot-nosed, punk kid who thinks he's better than everybody else. Because he's some hot shot, and you don't know anything about sales. So stop being a disrespectful little jerk.
- Delivery Kid: Sales?
- Michael Scott: Yes, sales, you sell pizza, last time I checked that's called sales.
- Delivery Kid: You're such a loser.
- Dwight Schrute: What did you just call him?
- Delivery Kid: A loser.
- Dwight Schrute: What did you say?
- Delivery Kid: A loser.