Tony Shalhoub credited as playing...
Adrian Monk
- Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: Eh... what?... Because Helen Hubbert does not have an alibi it means it couldn't be her?
- Adrian Monk: That's right.
- Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: Her not having a alibi clears her?
- Adrian Monk: That's right. It's the best alibi of all.
- Natalie Teeger: Randy, what we're about to tell you is absolutely confidential; you cannot repeat it to anybody.
- Lt. Randall Disher: Are you in love with me?
- Natalie Teeger: [dumbstruck] What? No!
- Adrian Monk: I think Linda Fusco might have killed her partner.
- Lt. Randall Disher: Can't believe that. There's no way, Monk.
- Natalie Teeger: Am I in love with you?
- Natalie Teeger: Maybe she had a jetpack, like in those James Bond movies.
- Lt. Randall Disher: There's no such thing as a working jetpack. Don't ask me how I know.
- Adrian Monk: Randy, do you have any ideas? One of your crazy theories?
- Lt. Randall Disher: My crazy theories. Like what?
- Natalie Teeger: Like me being in love with you?
- Lt. Randall Disher: Oh, do you think that's crazier than Linda Fusco flying across San Francisco on a jetpack?
- Natalie Teeger: Too close to call.
- Adrian Monk: [about Natalie's motorcycle] Where did you get that?
- Natalie Teeger: From a biker friend of mine. I did him a favor once.
- Adrian Monk: What kind of favor?
- Natalie Teeger: Do you really want to know?
- Adrian Monk: Nuh-uh.
- Adrian Monk: [looking at his stopwatch] Ready, and GO!
- [Natalie steps on the pedals of her motorcycle, and Monk, who isn't hanging on to her, goes flying and sprawls on the grass]
- Natalie Teeger: Are you all right?
- Adrian Monk: [getting to his feet] Wipes.
- Adrian Monk: [pushes the button for the interrogation room speakers because the blinds are crooked] Excuse me, could you fix the blinds, please?
- Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: I don't feel like it.
- Adrian Monk: I wasn't asking you, ma'am, but I'm going to have to ask you to fix the blinds.
- Helen Hubbert: Who is that?
- Adrian Monk: I'm with the F.B.I.
- [pause]
- Adrian Monk: in Washington
- [pause]
- Adrian Monk: D.C., watching you on my computer
- [pause]
- Adrian Monk: screen.
- Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: Don't listen to him, ma'am, he is not in Washington...
- Adrian Monk: Ma'am, I'm going to have to ask you to fix the blinds, and while you're at it pick up the styrofoam pieces scattered about the room.
- Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: He is not a federal agent.
- Adrian Monk: Yes... he, I am.
- Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: No, he's not! He's an ex-cop who hates himself and hates his life, and isn't happy unless
- [shouts]
- Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: everybody else is as miserable as he is!
- Adrian Monk: Miss Hubbert, I'm sure you wouldn't want us to inform the school board about your little drinking problem.
- Helen Hubbert: How, how?
- Adrian Monk: How? We're the FBI, that's how!
- Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: Oh, for God's sakes, he can see the flask in your pocket!
- Adrian Monk: And I'm sure you wouldn't want the IRS to know about your second job. You have been moonlighting as a waitress, haven't you? Have you been reporting all of your tips?
- Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: He's looking inside your purse. He can see your wad of singles!
- [looks towards Monk and Natalie]
- Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: Hey, hey! Mr. FBI-Man!
- [takes a shoe and smudges it against the glass pane of the interrogation room]
- Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: What do you think of that?
- Adrian Monk: Leland, you can put this woman away for the rest of her life, but Linda Fusco will still be guilty.
- [Monk and Natalie walk away]
- Natalie Teeger: We have some great news. We think we know who killed Sean Corcoran.
- Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: That's great! That was fast!
- Adrian Monk: Yeah.
- [in a tone that generally means "very bad news"]
- Adrian Monk: This individual has a motive, owns a shotgun, and had access to the house.
- Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: Well let's pick him up. What's his name?
- [Monk and Natalie look at each other, and try to think for a few seconds, trying to get enough bravery to answer]
- Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: Monk, the suspect has a name, right?
- Adrian Monk: [eventually finishes thinking] Linda. Linda Fusco.
- [Stottlemeyer cracks at this, not understanding Monk's seriousness about the matter]
- Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: That's hilarious. You got me right there.
- [He starts to get into his car]
- Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: See you guys mañana.
- Natalie Teeger: Captain. He's *not* joking. He never jokes.
- Adrian Monk: [referring to video chat] I guess you can't call people in your underwear.
- Natalie Teeger: Sure you can!
- Adrian Monk: Natalie. They would see you!
- Adrian Monk: We are really going to have to haul bottom.
- Natalie Teeger: Haul bottom?
- Adrian Monk: It's biker talk!