Woody Harrelson credited as playing...
Tallahassee
- Bill Murray: [dying] Is that how you say hello where you come from?
- Columbus: Oh, my God. Oh, my God, I can't believe I shot Bill Murray.
- Tallahassee: Mr. Murray?
- Bill Murray: I'm just Bill, I think, now.
- Tallahassee: Bill?
- Bill Murray: Yeah?
- Tallahassee: [pokes at Bill's wound] I don't think we're gonna be able to stitch this.
- Bill Murray: Ah. That's still tender.
- Tallahassee: You think you might pull through?
- Bill Murray: No.
- Columbus: If it means anything now, I am so sorry. It was just instinctive.
- Bill Murray: It was my bad. I was never a very good practical joker.
- Little Rock: So do you have any regrets?
- Bill Murray: "Garfield," maybe.
- Little Rock: Who's Bill Murray?
- Tallahassee: I've never hit a kid before. I mean, that's like asking who Gandhi is.
- Little Rock: Who's Gandhi?
- Tallahassee: I'm not great at farewells, so, uh, that'll do, pig.
- Columbus: That's the worst goodbye I've ever heard, and you stole it from a movie.
- Tallahassee: Goddamn it, Bill fucking Murray! I had to get that out. I don't mean to gush. This is so surreal. I mean, you probably get this all the time. Maybe not lately, but I'm such a huge fan of yours. You know, I swear, I've seen every one of your movies a million times. I even loved your dramatic roles and just everything. Six people left in the world and one of them is Bill fucking Murray. I know that's not your middle name. I've been watching you since I was like... Since I could masturbate. I mean, not that they're connected.
- Tallahassee: [discovers Hostess truck filled with Sno-Balls] Sno-Balls? Sno-Balls? Sno Balls? Where's the fucking Twinkies?
- Columbus: I love Sno-Balls.
- Tallahassee: I hate coconut. Not the taste, consistency.
- Columbus: [eats a Sno Ball] Fresh.
- Tallahassee: Oh, this Twinkie thing, it ain't over yet.
- Tallahassee: [referring to Wichita and Little Rock, who previously hijacked them] They're in the back, aren't they?
- Little Rock: [pops up holding shotgun] Just me.
- Columbus: I'm really sorry. She was like a crouching tiger...
- Tallahassee: You got taken hostage by a 12 year old?
- Columbus: Well, girls mature faster than boys. She's way ahead of where I was at that age.
- Little Rock: Twelve's the new twenty. Gun please.
- Tallahassee: Like you would ever use that thing
- [Little Rock shoots in the air]
- Tallahassee: Don't kill me with my own gun.
- Columbus: Take away a man's son, you've truly given him nothing left to lose.
- Tallahassee: I haven't cried like that since "Titanic."
- Tallahassee: Are you fucking with me?
- Columbus: Uh, no. You should actually limber up as well. Especially if we're going down that hill. It is very important.
- Tallahassee: I don't believe in it. You ever see a lion limber up before it takes down a gazelle?
- Tallahassee: [to Columbus] You're thinking about fucking Wichita!
- [ignores Columbus' taken-aback "no" gesture]
- Tallahassee: Hey, wish granted. She's spent the last twenty-four hours fucking us both.
- Tallahassee: Bill Murray, you're a zombie?
- [Wichita hits Bill in his back with a golf club]
- Bill Murray: [cries in pain] Ow, I'm on fire! Ouch!
- Tallahassee: You're not a zombie, you're talking and... You're okay?
- Bill Murray: The hell I am.
- Wichita: I'm sorry. I didn't know it was... It was "you" you.
- Tallahassee: Are you...? What's with the get-up?
- Bill Murray: Oh, I do it to blend in. You know. Zombies don't mess with other zombies. Buddy of mine, makeup guy, he showed me how to do this. Corn starch. You know, some berries, a little licorice for the ladies. Suits my lifestyle, you know. I like to get out and do stuff. Just played nine holes on the Riviera. Just walked on. Nobody there.
- Tallahassee: [Columbus kisses Wichita] Finally got to first base. Not bad for that scrawny little spit-fuck.
- Columbus: You know there's a place untouched by all this crap?
- Tallahassee: Back east, yeah?
- Columbus: Yeah. Yeah. You heard the same thing?
- Tallahassee: Out west, we hear it's back east. Back east, they hear it's out west. It's all just nonsense. You know, you're like a penguin on the North Pole who hears the South Pole is really nice this time of the year.
- Columbus: There are no penguins on the North Pole.
- Tallahassee: You wanna feel how hard I can punch?
- Little Rock: Have you heard about Pacific Playland? There are no zombies there.
- Columbus: The amusement park?
- Little Rock: Yep!
- Tallahassee: That place totally blows!
- [Little Rock and Wichita shoot Tallahassee angry looks]
- Tallahassee: ... my mind. Just fun for the whole family.
- Columbus: [Columbus sprays Tallahassee with perfume, Tallahassee turns around and glares at Columbus] Okay. Let me begin my three-part apology by saying that I think you're a wonderful human, with great potential.
- Tallahassee: It's okay... But FYI, I have beat wholesale ass for a whole lot less than that.
- Columbus: I'm sure.
- Tallahassee: You get, uh...
- [cocks his head]
- Tallahassee: 45% power.
- Columbus: Thank you.
- Tallahassee: [Tallahassee punches Columbus in the arm, and Columbus knocks over a lamp] There you go.
- Little Rock: No Twinkies.
- Tallahassee: Shit! fuck!
- Wichita: See, I told you we should have gone to Russell Crowe's! No one listens to me!
- Tallahassee: Here's the deal: I'm not easy to get along with, and I'm sensing you're a bit of a bitch.
- Columbus: Are you one of these guys that tries to one-up everybody else's story?
- Tallahassee: No. I knew a guy way worse at that than me.
- Columbus: [in voice-over] You see, He was in the ass-kicking business and...
- Tallahassee: [Tallahassee, in flashback, rounds corner holding two chainsaws and wearing a welding mask, flips mask up] ... business is *good*!