Hugh Laurie credited as playing...
Dr. Gregory House
- Dr. Gregory House: Gifts allow us to demonstrate exactly how little we know about a person and nothing pisses off a person more than being shoved into the wrong pigeonhole.
- Dr. Gregory House: Lies are like children: they're hard work, but they're worth it because the future depends on them.
- Dr. Lawrence Kutner: [referring to a wrapped box on House's desk] Who's that from?
- Dr. Gregory House: Santa, obviously, 'cause you know I worship him. No wait, I mean Satan. I always get them confused.
- Dr. Gregory House: The notion of picking one time of the year to be decent to other people is obscene because it's actually validating the notion of being miserable wretches the rest of the year.
- [House hands Wilson back his iPhone]
- Dr. James Wilson: I've been looking for this all morning.
- Dr. Gregory House: Did you look in the box on my desk?
- Dr. James Wilson: Have you ever considered channeling your powers to, I don't know, bring peace to the Mid-East?
- Dr. Gregory House: I couldn't do that.
- Dr. James Wilson: But if they ever got it, you could screw it up.
- Dr. Gregory House: Yeah, that's more where my powers lie.
- [Melanie is a prostitute]
- Melanie: No rash on my labia. Do you need to take a look?
- Dr. Gregory House: I'm saving my money for a Red Ryder BB gun.
- Dr. Gregory House: You talk to your kid about sex so she'll think you're being open about everything. Keeps her from asking questions about the things you don't wanna talk about.
- Dr. Gregory House: Who told you that it would be a good idea to put up superficial representations of a hypocritical season celebrating a mythical figure?
- Dr. Gregory House: [when told that his patient doesn't lie] This is going to be a tough case. I know almost nothing about alien physiology.
- [House is dismissing Wilson's attribution that a Christmas miracle has occurred]
- Dr. Gregory House: Oh, don't ruin it. Don't pin this on Christ. He's got enough nails in him.
- Dr. Gregory House: [in reference to reindeer antlers on Wilson's head] Would you take off that hat?
- Dr. James Wilson: It's Christmas. It's a reindeer.
- Dr. Gregory House: It's a moose on a Jew.
- Dr. Gregory House: [House is returning Wilson's iPhone] Oh, by the way, your mom called. Your dad's dead.
- Dr. Gregory House: [to Thirteen] You have a genetic defect, you choose to ignore it. This woman has a genetic defect, chooses to butcher herself to be safe. Yet what you claim to be fascinated by, is her honesty. Interesting.
- Thirteen: You claim to want the truth and then you screw with people who actually live by it. Pathetic.
- Jane: [to House] I have to lie because she trusts me?
- Dr. Gregory House: If you show doubt, the placebo treatment won't work.
- Jane: If it's just depression, that's good news, right?
- Dr. Gregory House: [nods his head] A lot of great medications.
- Jane: So why can't we just give her those? Why do we have to lie to her?
- Dr. Gregory House: Because we might be wrong. And those medications take a long time to work and since your mom's condition is declining, there's a chance the drugs won't tell us anything until it's too late.
- Jane: My mom's not depressed.
- Dr. Gregory House: Maybe she's hiding it from you.
- Jane: [shakes her head] No. She wouldn't...
- Dr. Gregory House: Just doing what every good mom does. Protecting her child from bad news that she can't do anything about.
- Jane: My mom's never lied to me.
- Dr. Gregory House: You don't know how to lie. You don't know how to tell when you're being lied to.
- Jane: Maybe you're right...
- Dr. Gregory House: I know...
- Jane: I was lying. I know how to lie. I just won't do it to my mother.
- Dr. Gregory House: [to Maggie] A mother who's going to die doesn't refuse a donor test because it might hurt. She refuses when she knows it won't match which tends to happen when mother and daughter aren't mother and daughter. I could do DNA tests, if you'd rather keep lying to me.
- Maggie: I never wanted kids. I love them, but with my genes... I knew this woman, a drug addict. She got pregnant, didn't want to have an abortion, but she also didn't want her daughter to ever know who her real mother was. What she was. I promised never to tell.
- Dr. Gregory House: A promise to an addict is worth more than a promise to your daughter?
- Maggie: It'd be cruel to tell her.
- Dr. Gregory House: Right. She lives a lie, you get to die a hypocrite.
- Dr. Gregory House: It's child abuse.
- Dr. James Wilson: Honesty?
- Dr. Gregory House: There's a reason that everybody lies. It works. It what allows society to function, it's what separates man from beast.
- Dr. James Wilson: Oh, I thought that was our thumbs.
- Dr. Gregory House: You wanna know every place your mom's thumb has been?
- Dr. James Wilson: I'm sorry I missed rehearsal. Am I taking the "truth is good" side? Don't you usually take that part?
- Dr. Gregory House: Lies are a tool, they can be used either for good. No, wait, I got a better one. Lies are like children. Hard work, but they're worth it, because the future depends on them.
- Dr. James Wilson: You are so full of love--or something.