Nick Nolte: Stephen Katz

A Walk in the Woods

Stephen Katz

Bill Bryson: [At night, when a female hiker is loudly singing, in an annoying tone, at a late hour] Tomorrow morning, we get up early, before she's awake, and we get a headstart, and lose her.
Stephen Katz: That's a good idea. Better than my idea.
Bill Bryson: What was your idea?
Stephen Katz: We kill her, and steal her Pop Tarts.

Bill Bryson: So, how are you with bears?
Stephen Katz: Well, they haven't gotten me yet.
[laughs]
Bill Bryson: Well, you know there can't be a black bear within 1,500 miles of Des Moines, Katz.
Stephen Katz: That's what I'm saying, man. Those fuckers keep their distance.

Bill Bryson: We weren't even close, were we?
Stephen Katz: What are you talking about? We did it, Bryson.
Bill Bryson: We never even laid eyes on Mount Katahdin.
Stephen Katz: Another mountain? How many mountains do you need to see?
Bill Bryson: That's one way of looking at it.
Stephen Katz: The only way of looking at it. As far as I'm concerned, we walked the Appalachian Trail. We walked it in the heat, we walk it in the snow, we walked it until our feet bled. We hiked the Appalachian Trail, Bryson.
Bill Bryson: Maybe you're right.

Stephen Katz: Not bad looking, huh?
Bill Bryson: That depends.
Stephen Katz: You know what I look for in a female these days? A heartbeat and a full set of limbs.
Bill Bryson: Well, most people lower their standards as they age.
Stephen Katz: Yeah?
Bill Bryson: You've actually raised yours.

Bill Bryson: Why don't you go out and talk to the guy, huh? I'm sure he's reasonable.
Stephen Katz: That's your plan?
Bill Bryson: [chuckling] I don't need a plan. I'm not being chased.

[after young guys offer to carry Bryson and Katz's backpacks across the water]
Bill Bryson: Nice guys.
Stephen Katz: Yep.
Bill Bryson: I hate 'em.
Stephen Katz: Me, too.

Stephen Katz: [about his whiskey bottle] You know, Bryson, I wasn't actually hiding this. I wasn't lying about being dry either. The thing is, Bryson, I love to drink. Everything about it. I love the taste. And that buzz you get after you've had a couple. I love the smell of the tavern, right down to the urinal cakes. Hmm. But instead of going into the taverns like everybody else, I go home to my little apartment, and heat my TV dinner, and feel all virtuous like I'm supposed to.
[sighs]
Stephen Katz: But you know, night after night it's hard to persuade yourself that you're living a rich and thrilling existence. I mean, if they had a fun-o-meter the needle wouldn't exactly be jumping into the orgasmic zone. You know what I'm saying?
[sighs]
Stephen Katz: I mean, there's just this hole in my life where drinking used to be.
[sighs heavily]
Stephen Katz: I know I can't drink. I mean, one drink will lead to 10. And the next thing, I'll find myself underneath a bridge somewhere.
Stephen Katz: That's why I carry this. To remind myself that I can. Or maybe I carry it in case I can't.

Stephen Katz: [about an amorous young couple] Holy shit. I wish I was still 20.
Bill Bryson: I wish I was still 50.

Stephen Katz: What seems to be the problem?
Beulah: [struggling with the washing machine] I'm having a difficult time removing my panties.
Stephen Katz: Well, luckily you're in the presence of an expert.

Stephen Katz: In your absence, my romantic life has taken a turn for the better. Remember the laundromat? Her name is Beulah.
Bill Bryson: Seriously?
Stephen Katz: Yeah, seriously. And she's got a beautiful body. Buried under two hundred pounds of fat. But then, you know I kinda like a little meat on the bone.
Bill Bryson: Sure, as long as you don't have to remove a wall to get her out of the house.

[last lines]
Stephen Katz: [on a postcard to Bill] Never buy underpants for a woman you don't know.
Stephen Katz: [on a postcard to Bill] Fuckers still didn't get me.
Stephen Katz: [on a postcard to Bill] Bryson, just wondering, what's next?