Quotes

The Nativity

[Robert's halo has fallen off his head onto the floor; he tries to point it out to Vanessa, Annie and Dennis as the three shepherds]
Robert: [as Gabriel] Halo.
[Vanessa, Annie and Dennis stand there, confused]
Robert: Halo.
Dennis: Hello.
Robert: No! Halo!
Dennis, Vanessa, Annie: Hello.
Robert: No! Halo - over there!
[the three go over to where he pointed]
Dennis, Vanessa, Annie: Hello.
Robert: No! On the floor!
[the three lie down on the floor]
Dennis, Vanessa, Annie: Hello.
Robert: No! Halo! Halo!
Dennis: Is it me you're looking for?
Robert: No! The round sparkly hat, all right? Give me my round sparkly hat!
[Trevor the stage manager tries to pass him a sequined hat]
Robert: No, not my personal one! The halo!

Dennis: [trying - and failing - for the third time to introduce himself to Joseph and Mary as an innkeeper in Bethlehem] Hello. I'm... I'm...
Sandra: [muttering in exasperation] Jesus Christ... .
Dennis: I'M JESUS CHRIST! THE SAVIOUR IS BORN!

Chris: I should also inform you that a fire alarm test was scheduled to happen in our studio tonight. I did email the BBC to try to have it moved, but they said they would rather disturb our broadcast than one of their empty studios. I called their bluff and after a frank exchange, we will now be having two fire alarm tests tonight.

[the BBC has stopped funding the Cornley Polytechnic Drama Society's Plays of the Week, forcing the society to turn to corporate sponsorship for money]
Max: [as Joseph, worrying about finding money to buy a donkey] Faith is all we have. We must put our trust in God.
Sandra: [as Mary] Or perhaps we should consider a small business loan allowing us to expand our range of products.
Max: But would the interest not cripple us?
Sandra: Not at the 3.4% variable APR offered exclusively by Brookshaw Corporate Finance.
Max: Now that's a miracle!

Sandra: [as Mary] But I can't have a child. I'm a virgin.
Robert: [as Gabriel] I've been sent to tell you that you've been impregnated remotely.

[the Three Wise Men visit Mary and Joseph in the stable]
Max: [as Joseph] And look - three shepherds approach also.
[a cut-out of Vanessa, Annie and Dennis as the Three Wise Men appears outside the door]
Max: Oh, it's not shepherds. It's more Wise Men.
Chris: Mary, Joseph, and the Six Wise Men awaited the birth of the baby Jesus. The shepherds had decided to sit this one out... unless they were on the tab on the other side.
[taking the hint, Sandra pulls a rope that reveals another cut-out of Vanessa, Annie and Dennis as the Wise Men]
Chris: Nope. No shepherds, just nine Wise Men.
Vanessa: It's like Mensa in here.

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