Peter Linz: Walter

The Muppets

Walter

Walter: But Kermit, you have to try! The Muppets are AMAZING! You give people the greatest gift that can ever be given!
Kermit the Frog: Children?
Walter: No, the OTHER gift.
Kermit the Frog: Ice cream?
Walter: No, no, after that...
Kermit the Frog: Laughter?
Walter: YES! The THIRD greatest gift ever!

Walter: ...and then, when he thought they were alone, he said, "There's oil under this theater, see! I'm gonna tear it to the ground, see! Sweet, sweet oil, see!"
Mary: People still talk like that?
Walter: Maybe that's just how he sounded in my head.

[as Gary and Walter prepare to leave for Los Angeles]
Walter: Maybe Kermit will be there!
Gary: I wouldn't get your hopes up, buddy. The Muppets haven't put on a show together in years. I don't think they use the studios for anything but tours anymore.
Walter: I think that's just an Internet rumor, like, "There's a country called Turkey!"
Gary: Walter, how many times do we have to go through this? Turkey is a real place!

Mahna Mahna: [sings] Mahna Mahna
Tex Richman: You're breaking the law! I own that name!
Snowth, Snowth: [the Snowths sing] Doo-doo, do-do-doo, do-do do do do do doo.
Gonzo: [with a bowling ball] Hey guys, I think I finally worked out how to - Whoo-ha!
[Gonzo throws the bowling ball and hits Tex Richman]
Fozzie Bear: 'Oil' bet that hurt.
[Tex Richman starts laughing]
The Newsman: This just in: Richman gives back Muppet theater and name. Change of heart, nothing to do with head injury.
Tex Richman: [sings] Mahna Mahna
Snowth, Snowth: [the Snowths sing] Doo-doo, do-do-doo

Walter: Either way, we've got to find Kermit! He'll know what to do.
Mary: How do we find Kermit? Nobody's seen him in years.
[Gary, Mary, and Walter pass a man selling Hot Star Maps in front of Pink's Hot Dogs]
Walter: [gasp] Wait, stop the car! I have an idea.
[cut to the trio eating some chili dogs]
Gary: These are delicious! Great idea, Walter.

Mary: So, what do we do now?
Gary: I don't see a doorbell, and the house looks empty.
Walter: Gary, throw me over.
Gary: What?
Walter: Gary, just throw me over already!
Gary: Okay. Okay, here we go, OK...
Walter: One, two, three.
Walter: [Walter grunts as Gary gets ready to throw him over the fence] That's good.
Gary: Sorry.
Walter: No, it's good.
Mary: Guys? I think that's an electric fence.
Walter: Mary, it's Kermit the Frog.
Gary: OK buddy, head down.
Gary, Walter: One, two, three!
[Gary tosses Walter into the electric fence, and Walter screams in pain as he falls to the ground]
Mary: It's an electric fence.
Gary: Yep.
Gary: Oh, my gosh. Walter? Walter, buddy? Walter, can you hear me?
Walter: [in a raspy voice] Throw me again.
Gary: No, I don't... I don't think that's a good idea.
Walter: What kind of throw was that?
Kermit the Frog: Excuse me...
[Angelic choir voices are heard as Walter sees Kermit with a glow of light behind him; the lights and voices are actually coming from a bus that says "Good Shepherd Church Choir: 'O sing, ye righteous!' " on the side]
Kermit the Frog: You okay? That was quite a tumble.
[Walter faints]

Walter: Even the sunniest days can have a few clouds in them.
[Walter looks at his reflection in a fun house mirror, making him look taller]
Gary Age 9: [consoling Walter] The ride's bogus anyway. Hey, want to rent a video?
Walter: Yeah, race you home!
Kermit the Frog: And... well. that night... sorta changed everything.
Kermit the Frog: [from archive footage] It's The Muppet Show, with our very special guest star, Mr. Steve Martin!
Walter: I found them -
[Walter gasps]
Walter: - The Muppets.

[singing]
Walter: Am I a Muppet, or am I a man? If I'm a Muppet, then I'm a very manly Muppet.

Gary: [entering Walter's dressing room] Walter, hey.
Walter: Gary. Oh, where have you been? I need you to help me figure out a talent.
Gary: A talent for what?
Walter: For the show. Kermit asked me to do an act in the show. I... I could be a Muppet.
Gary: Wow. Wow, Walter, that's amazing.
Walter: Yeah, but I need to figure out if I have a talent.
Gary: Well, you know what? I'm sure you'll think of something, but right now I actually... I need your help. I'm starting to get the feeling that Mary's upset with me about something, and I don't know what, and I was hoping maybe you would talk to her for me.
Walter: Gary, I'd love to help you out, but I can't leave the theater now. This is important.
Gary: Well, hold on a second. I mean, my life is important, too.
Walter: Yeah, but the whole reason we came here was to see the Muppets.
Gary: No, it wasn't! The whole reason we came here was to take a vacation where I took Mary out to a fancy dinner because it's our tenth anniversary, and then...
Gary: [dawning on him] Walter, what day is today?
Walter: Friday.
Gary: Yeah. Yeah, that's it. This is bad. Walter, this is really bad. I have to...
Gary: [running off] Mary! Mary!
Walter: Wait. Gary, I need you.

[first lines]
Walter: [narrating] That's me, Walter.
Walter: [having a water gun duel with Gary] Where'd - Where'd you go? Oh, there you are.
Walter: I have the best life in the whole world.
[Walter laughs as he squirts Gary]
Walter: That's my brother, Gary. He's the best friend you could ever have.
Walter: [Gary and Walter have their measurements marked in the doorway with a pencil] Yeah, I know what you're thinking: We could be twins.
Walter: Here's where we live: Smalltown... the best town you could ever grow up in.
Walter: Gary and I did everything together.
Walter: [narrating] And as the years passed, my brother was always there for me.
Walter: [playing baseball] I got it! Gary, throw me! Throw me! Aah!
[Gary tosses Walter into the air, and Walter makes the outfield catch]
Walter: We were a great team.
Gary Age 6: Nice job, Walter.
Walter: Thanks, Gary.

Walter: Even the sunniest days can have a few clouds in them.
[Walter looks at his reflection in a fun house mirror, making him look taller]
Gary Age 9: [consoling Walter] The ride's bogus anyway. Hey, want to rent a video?
Walter: Yeah, race you home!

Kermit the Frog: [from archive footage] It's The Muppet Show, with our very special guest star, Mr. Steve Martin!
Walter: I found them -
[Walter gasps]
Walter: - The Muppets.
Walter: [the Muppet Show's theme plays in the background] I guess you could say I was their number one fan.
Walter: [Walter opens his birthday present] Oh, Gary, it's an entire map of the Muppet Studios.
Walter: [Walter shakes the present before opening it, and then he gasps to discover a watch with Kermit the Frog's face on it] And they made all the difference.
Walter: [a kid says 'Trick or Treat!'] Because from then on...
Gary Age 13: Hey, guys.
Laughing Kid, Laughing Kid, Laughing Kid: Oh, hey, Gary. Hey.
Walter: [Walter is wearing a Kermit costume] Hi-ho, guys. Yay!
Laughing Kid, Laughing Kid, Laughing Kid: [the trick-or-treaters laugh at Walter] Is that Kermit the Frog? What is this, 1978?
Walter: Even on the worst days, I knew... that as the years passed...
Kermit the Frog: [archived footage] Cancel that last remark...
Walter: As long as there are singing frogs and joking bears...
[Walter and Gary laugh as they watch reruns of The Muppet Show on VHS cassette]
Walter: Swedish chefs and boomerang fish, the world can be such a bad place after all.