Alexander Skarsgård credited as playing...
Sgt. Brad 'Iceman' Colbert
- Cpl. Ray Person: Look at this shit, how come we can't ever invade a cool country, like chicks in bikinis, you know, how come counties like that don't ever need Marines, I'll tell you why, it's lack of pussy that fucks countries up, lack of pussy is the root fucking cause of all global instability, if more hajis were getting quality pussy, there'd be no reason for us to come over and fuck em up like this, cause a nutbusting haji, is a happy haji.
- Sgt. Brad 'Iceman' Colbert: Ray, how much ripped fuel have you ingested.
- Cpl. Ray Person: I'm on it like a mother fucker Brad, haha!...
- Sgt. Brad 'Iceman' Colbert: Well, no more of that shit...
- Evan 'Scribe' Wright: An interesting theory though.
- Cpl. Ray Person: Yeah, yeah, you should quote me on it, you know what, you should definitely quote me on it, this whole thing comes down to pussy! Look, if you take the Republican Guard and comp their asses for a week in Vegas, no fucking war!
- Evan 'Scribe' Wright: So the war is not about oil or WMDs.
- Cpl. Ray Person: No, in the opinion of this Marine, its about pussy.
- Evan 'Scribe' Wright: And its not about Saddam.
- Cpl. Ray Person: No, Saddam is just part of the problem, if Saddam invested more in the pussy infrastructure of Iraq than he did in his fucking gay ass army, then this country would be no more fucked up than say, Mexico.
- Sgt. Brad 'Iceman' Colbert: Ray, please shut up... thank you.
- Evan 'Scribe' Wright: AAA batteries, dip, Skoal, Copenhagen, baby wipes, flavored pringles in a can and adult diapers. As requested. Why do you need me to get all of this stuff?
- Sgt. Brad 'Iceman' Colbert: In the infinite wisdom to whoever runs the military post exchange store, they won't sell this stuff in quantity to military personnel. But, for civilians like yourself, the sky is the limit.
- Evan 'Scribe' Wright: And why is that?
- Cpl. Josh Ray Person: To Keep us angry. If Marines could get what they needed when they needed it we would be happy and wouldn't ready to kill people all of the time. The Marine Corps is like America's Pitbull. They beat us, mistreat us and every once in awhile, they let us out to attack someone.
- Sgt. Brad 'Iceman' Colbert: Trombley, why are you wasting food?
- Lance Cpl. Harold James Trombley: I'm going to shoot me a dog.
- Sgt. Brad 'Iceman' Colbert: No Trombley you aren't. We don't shoot dogs, we shoot people.
- Sgt. Brad 'Iceman' Colbert: Our first contact with armed Iraqis and we wave them off like bitches.
- Cpl. Gabe Garza: I had a beautiful head shot.
- Sgt. Rodolfo 'Rudy' Reyes: We all did brother.
- Cpl. Josh Ray Person: You know what happens when you get out of the Marine Corps? You get your brains back.
- [Colbert sees Espera's team working on a Humvee]
- Sgt. Tony 'Poke' Espera: Hey. All my hoses are rotted out. I got Dirty Earl workin' it.
- Cpl. Jeffrey 'Dirty Earl' Carisalez: Got a mess of blown donkey dicks.
- Sgt. Brad 'Iceman' Colbert: We're on a short string here, Poke.
- Sgt. Tony 'Poke' Espera: I just got this bucket five days ago, dawg. This is like Gilligan's Island. They're givin' us rocks and coconuts to make radios with.
- Cpl. Jeffrey 'Dirty Earl' Carisalez: Shit. Even the gaskets are gone, man. Back home, they're drivin' around in Mercedes-Benz SUVs, pickin' up their poodles at the dog cappuccino stand. And here we are invading a country with ghetto hoopties.
- [he spits]
- Cpl. Jeffrey 'Dirty Earl' Carisalez: It's depressing.
- [Person walks up and thrusts a hose between Carizales' legs]
- Cpl. Ray Person: [in a goofy voice] My friends, I bring you gifts!
- Cpl. Jeffrey 'Dirty Earl' Carisalez: The fuck? Where the fuck you find those?
- Cpl. Ray Person: I had to suck an officer's cock to get these.
- Cpl. Jeffrey 'Dirty Earl' Carisalez: See? That's some exploitive shit. You been exploited by your betters. You know what we need in America, man, is a holiday where once a year, the blue-collar man gets to go into the home of the white-collar man, eat his food, sleep in his bed, and fuck his shit up.
- Cpl. Ray Person: Jeff, you realize you're a communist?
- Cpl. Jeffrey 'Dirty Earl' Carisalez: Fuck I am.